Husband upset over being out a little longer while getting groceries.

[Mommabear12660]

Hey ladies!
I need some advice. The past two evening I have been out for a couple hours (one for a ladies group, other for groceries). My husband just got a new job, but up until then I’ve been basically single parenting. Him not getting home until 7pm. Now he gets home at 5 PTL! After the ladies group I got home at 9pm. He wasn’t upset. The next evening I was suppose to get groceries during the day but got too exhausted (I’m a SAHM and homeschool.) I had made sourdough, done chores around the house and homeschooled our son. So I told him I needed to go when he gets home. Makes it easier since I won’t have the kids. He was upset about it and told me I shouldn’t have got it done while he was at work. But I had to go so I said I’ll try to be quick. Fast forward I decided to go to two extra stores and was enjoying being alone. I got home by 9pm. He was extremely upset and showed it. So far to bring up the fact I’m on antidepressants and shouldn’t be because postpartum shouldn’t last this long (random, I know). He brings that up ever so often idk why, the medication has helped me function. Anyways we haven’t been able to resolve the conflict. I told him I feel like he’s trying to parent me and that we are adults. Going to two extra stores shouldn’t cause all of this..

Lots of women on this thread horrified that a man has to look after his own children inconveniently and that a woman might want to take some time out for herself

maybe a minor communication failing re the grocery shop but presumably not for the girls night

his is not your boss

If my DH was three hours when he said he would be quick, I'd be worried something had happened, which may come out as annoyed/upset when he did return.

Why have you made the decision to homeschool, when you have depression, which gives you less freedom, and more isolation? I wonder if you are hiding from the world due to some ND? Have you ever been assessed? If no signs of that, then maybe it's exuberance over having some time to yourself that you never got when he worked longer hours. He may have found it a shock 2 days running, but really he should enable you to have some 'me time' on at least a weekly basis. There is more to life than just being at home all the time. Do you have any friends or family who babysit so you can go out together? You need to share time outside the home to keep your relationship healthy

@Opentooffers I decided to homeschool before I experienced depression, with my second baby. It was a complete shock what I went through. I homeschool for my children - I love them. I love to be around them. I’m not apposed to public school. I’ve considered it. We also go to a co-op and are involved in the community church. So I’m not hiding from the world, but I understand sadly that’s what people are going to assume about me. I do have multiple other friends who homeschools, and so does my sister in law.

No, he is her partner. You communicate with your partner and let them know what's happening. He wasn't upset about the ladies group. The OP specifically says that.

Yes, both me ane my husband are capable of doing bedtimes by yoursleves without complaint but I would be annoyed if I husband said one thing and did another.

They homeschool

@stilleasy its very common to homeschool where I’m from so I’m surprised at your responses. It’s like I’m an alien lol

What is PTL? And what is PBJS?

My spidey sense says you're not from our side of the pond? Am I right?

The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are (thankfully IMO) unheard of in the uk
Homeschooling is the exception rather than the norm
Most families I know get their shopping delivered and would rather pluck their eyeballs out than take a 3+5 year old for a full shop. Or maybe thats just me.

I’m a SAHM to a 3 and 4.5 year old with a DH who works insane hours. I find there’s a real unspoken understanding that even when he is here it’s not ok for me to go ‘off duty’ or abscond. I think I’ve gone out on an evening literally no more than 5 times a year since the kids were born and that includes to run errands or shop. It’s just not a thing. DH pops out on an evening a fair bit and thinks nothing off ‘im just nipping for a pizza’ etc!

I find my time is always heavily accounted for whilst his isn’t and it’s annoying because he’s not really caused that and doesn’t stop me it’s just how it is. He did acknowledge the other day (when I was unwell and had to stay home with the kids) that he doesn’t like looking after them (neither do I it is verY hard)

But it sounds as though until recently she did bedtime and dinner alone every night.
He sounds comtrolling

She's been doing that for years.

Now the boot is on the other foot it's suddenly a problem?

Yes it's just you.

And PB&J sandwiches are perfectly fine

@Toothpastestain im giggling so hard right now 😂 PTL = praise the Lord. PBJ is peanut butter jelly sandwich. But mine is fancy since I make my own bread so no hate 🤣

And yes I’ve been doing everything kid related by myself for year while my husband figured out his work situation Which I deeply respect! It’s just hard.

You need a very stern voice and a very clearly expressed expectation that this man stops taking the piss. Sit him down and make it clear that you are serious about him pulling his weight as a parent. Earning money and working insane hours isn't a get out of jail free card.

As an aside, are the insane hours all spent actually working? Saying this because I know two men whose wives found out they were not at the coalface when they said they were, and this had been going on for years. No other women were involved - just skiving off from the parenting shift with colleagues who never questioned how their wives were managing to get two or three small children fed, bathed, and off to bed night after night on their own.

@Thehonestbadger awe I feel that. It’s a challenge for sure. I’m hopeful we will find our groove as a family.

@Babyboomtastic I 80% of the time take the kids with me. Sometimes it’s horrible, other times it’s really lovely and we make a fun/learning day out of it. I just did not have the energy for it this time. This is not a common thing for me to do.

You need to talk together.

He should accept that you get time to yourself every week. He can have time to himself too. But the idea that he can rely on you there every weekday evening needs to be knocked on the head.

If you find grocery shopping or sitting in the library or going to a movie on your own or out to a women's group two evenings a week out of seven an enticing prospect that would help you decompress, then he needs to accept that. He could also find a hobby or a men's group or take up exercise two evenings a week.

He needs to step up his evening parenting game.

@mathanxiety 100% thank you! It’s hard to balance that and spending time together as a couple when I have times of feeling drained.

It's horrible because if what it says about your situation and about the character of your husband.

You definitely need to feel free, and there's nothing wrong with that feeling.

What's horrible is that someone would whine about you having free time just to inhabit your own head two evenings a week.

You need to recharge, to feel like a fully human person in your own right and not just someone defined by her function in the family and in the home. He should not resent this.

Sorry to say this, but no wonder you're feeling depressed.