DH refusing to deal with ED

[Bounty9]

Name change because I’m a bit embarrassed tbh and am on here quite a lot.

DH is 30, I am 31. Sex has never been mind blowing in the 10 years we’ve been together but it also hasn’t been terrible. He’s always finished relatively quickly but makes me finish first so it didn’t particularly matter.

We had DD 2.5 years ago, and since then our sex life has dwindled, as it does. Except for the last year he’s had ED. At first he would lose an erection halfway through but now he loses it before he even comes near me. I asked if he would go to the doctor but he won’t, he says he just gets in his head about it, and he won’t take viagra because he thinks it’s for older people.

To be honest I’m somewhere in between being worried for him and sexually frustrated, we haven’t been able to have sex for 6 months now.

How on earth do I convince him to speak to someone? I feel like it’s driving us apart.

Are you sure there's nobody else?

I genuinely don’t know where he would find the time for anyone else, he works 10 hour days as on a 9 day fortnight (when he looks after DD), nothing is pointing towards that, no gut feeling - but I guess not impossible?!

Does he watch porn? Men who develop a porn habit can end up with ED. Check his internet search and see if you don’t know.

He's probably very tired and stressed. Both can cause erectile dysfunction.

It can just happen, there doesn't have to be someone else or porn but he should go get checked by the doctor. I'd expect it to take a while for him to do that though unfortunately

Does he go to the gym could it be steroids?
It can indicate heart problems.

He is young to experience this.

If he can't come up with an alternative possibility he needs to see a GP. It's important.

He's got options - but he's choosing not to take them.
So either he's not interested in you - or he's not interested at all.
It sounds like sex was never a big deal for him?

I've been through this with my partner. He was exactly the same. He didn't initially go to the GP but ordered viagra online. It worked and things obviously really improved. He now takes the unbranded daily version of Cialis as we found taking a tablet before you anticipated sex was killing the mood!
Now he's confident again as it works and you can be spontaneous. Highly recommend! Just have a conversation about it. Good luck

Is he overweight, does he drink????

This was my husband, no obvious reason why.. until I found out he had a secret gambling addiction which was causing the extreme stress and ED was a side effect

What prevents him from continuing to satisfy you, even if he is suffering ED?

Is sex only based around him being able to get it up?

Is he scared of getting you pregnant again? I had an ex with 2 kids to a previous relationship and he was so scared of having more children that he sometimes struggle with ED and delayed ejaculation.

You need to sit him down and explain that you understand it's frustrating and embarrassing for him but sex is important to you. If he's still willing to have an intimate relationship then he needs to get viagra or you're well within your rights to walk away from the relationship.

Maybe mention he can get viagra or cialis without going to the docs, you can order them online through Boots.

I'd recommend cialis as it just helps when in the mood, he may just need to get his confidence back. Sometimes it's subconscious

Thank you everyone, we sat down this morning and had a really open discussion after a bit of an awkward moment last night and me getting upset.

It’s ridiculous we never actually linked the two, but 18 months ago I had a miscarriage. It was a surprise pregnancy. He thinks that it’s linked to the fear of me falling pregnant again, despite the fact I’m on the pill.

He has agreed to try viagra, in the hopes it will help with the anxiety in the mean time. Although I think if it’s in his head, it’s going to take a bit more than a pill.

Thanks so much everyone - I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid in not connecting the dots.

It might be worth speaking to a counsellor about the miscarriage. Also, if you don’t plan on having any more children, there are other options. He could have the snip. It’s a relatively easy thing for a guy to do. And he could also wear a condom as well as you being on the pill. Honestly! What is it with men who would rather avoid sex rather than get the snip or wear a condom?

You also need to consider that he might have a problem with his prostate and he should have this checked out.

Really glad you've sat down and talked it all out. I'd definitely encourage him to speak to a counsellor about his worries xx

Here’s the porn police, again.

studies have shown that porn has very little to do with ED. If it did , 75% of men would be impotent.

in fact, there are more studies to show that porn can be beneficial for men with ED.

I think once it's happened a couple of times it's very likely does get into your head.

Hopefully you can get around to being intimate and satisfied without penetration. If the tablets don't help then he does need to get his health checked out just in case.

Studies are very mixed on this, there are some that say it helps, some that say it hinders. There is no fixed conclusion on it.

Mine takes viagra (ED is probably caused by his heart condition or the medication he takes for it). I’m not over the moon about it as it makes me not initiate sex as we can’t be spontaneous but it does work well and sex life is good. I hope yours will try it too.
i didn’t know there was a daily pill, I’ll get mine to look into it

I could say, “oh here comes the pro-porn brigade”. You’re talking about normal use of porn. I’m talking about porn addiction. Two very different things. If it’s so harmless, why are there entire communities on Reddit supporting addicts in their recovery? Why, in the marriage subreddit’s, are there constant posts from women looking for support because they’re self esteem is being destroyed since their husbands cannot stop watching porn, to the point it’s become detrimental to their relationship, often meaning he can’t get it up for normal sex with his wife? It seems to be pretty common and becoming increasingly so.

I’m not going to get into yet another porn debate and derail this thread,

it depends on the type of porn and the frequency but to say porn alone is a cause for ED is wrong.

When I got ED, I was advised by my urologist to watch porn to stimulate fresh blow flow to the penis ( I wasn’t in a relationship )

What is it with men who won't go to see the bloody doctor?! You see it all the time on here.