Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband determines my mood

33 replies

Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 16:58

Hi there. Looking for advice or am I over reacting? Married to dh for 12 years we have 2 young children 10 and 7 . I am a sahm and he works really hard manual job. He’s great round the house, always helping out. Washing, cleaning manual jobs can’t complain at all. But I feel like he’s just not interested in the kids at all. Like he has no time. I do football, gymnastics, swimming he takes them to karate one night a week and feel like he resents that I have one hour to myself that whole week! Anyway my son today was upset didn’t want to go (he’s very shy) so joined karate to build confidence and dh is like “stop being a wimp you be fine” and tells me not to “mard him” he does this a lot saying I fuss the kids ect but I just love them and want the best for them. He says I will “ruin” them being too nice. Makes me doubt myself as a mum. Also if I suggest a park at weekend or play centre he will pull his face. If we go for a meal he has a few drinks then will get mad at the kids when they say I’m bored ! Like why do they wanna sit in a restaurant for 3 hrs it’s boring because you want to have a drink.
he says we never have “us” time but if I’m honest I don’t want us time. If I seen he was a caring loving dad I maybe would but the way he speaks to the kids sometimes it makes me so sad. He sometimes speaks to his mum and dad disrespectful because they don’t come round enough but his mum has health issues and I understand but makes me sad how he talks to them at times. He constantly makes digs about my family or people around us. I find him draining and I’m on edge lately if I say anything to piss him off. In other words I’m drained . Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 17:00

The final straw for me to write my post…. They was running late for karate and my daughter wanted to read her dad a poem she wrote and instead of saying read it in the car or when we get back he was like “hurry quick what quickly quickly” makes me sad. Also if my son is upset he will only come to me for comfort never his dad. And if dad says “what’s up” it’s like my son gets really nervous :(

OP posts:
Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 17:01

My dad was never like this. But my mum was. And now I’m really close to my dad but still really scared to upset my mum with any situation. And I’m worried my children will be like this with their dad! Is this normal..

OP posts:
Friendofdennis · 06/11/2024 17:03

That’s really sad to read. I don’t have any advice other than to continue to be the loving mother you are. Perhaps others will have some advice regarding your partner. I am so sorry

livelovelough24 · 06/11/2024 18:20

I am very sorry to hear this OP and it is very sad. You have young kids, it seems, and the whole life ahead of you. Ask yourself this question:" Do I want the spend the rest of my life living like this?". There, that is your answer.

Take care, you can do this.

MerlotMisery · 06/11/2024 18:29

Show him this post. He will regret being this way when the children are older.

Also it is important to try to fit in "us" time. Life is an exhausting treadmill if it's just hard work, housework and running around after the kids. Some special couple time could help to recharge and give him a more positive outlook on life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/11/2024 18:30

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Do not see spend the rest of your life living
like this with such a fun sponge.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/11/2024 18:32

He knows how he is acting and he does not care. Do not show him your posts, you need a safe space to record your thoughts.

Mrsttcno1 · 06/11/2024 18:36

It doesn’t sound great OP.

The only thing I would say if I was trying to be really generous is could he be burnt out from working so hard and so there just isn’t anything left to give? It doesn’t excuse the behaviour but it would go some way to explaining it and if that is the case then you can discuss and take steps to resolve that issue whatever they may look like.

Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 18:38

MerlotMisery · 06/11/2024 18:29

Show him this post. He will regret being this way when the children are older.

Also it is important to try to fit in "us" time. Life is an exhausting treadmill if it's just hard work, housework and running around after the kids. Some special couple time could help to recharge and give him a more positive outlook on life.

This is my worry. He will regret it. And I think I will resent him for this. I think I already do.

OP posts:
unsync · 06/11/2024 18:38

Are you scared of him? Do you modify your behaviour so you don't upset him?

MerlotMisery · 06/11/2024 18:41

Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 18:38

This is my worry. He will regret it. And I think I will resent him for this. I think I already do.

As the other poster above said, it sounds like classic burnout. Do let him know that you feel this way and how much it pains you when he is so unkind and impatient.

Does he take time to do things that make him happy and bring him joy? Basically anything that will help him recharge and be more present and patient for the children. Encourage him to make time for this if not.

Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 18:42

unsync · 06/11/2024 18:38

Are you scared of him? Do you modify your behaviour so you don't upset him?

Not scared no. But I feel like I’m not who i used to be. He says I’m too nice.. I attract weirdos! Just because I’m friendly. I used to be really confident and outgoing now I’m quite anxious to be honest but think it’s just drained me the past few years. I just wish he idolised the kids more. He finds play centres, parks anything kids enjoy to be mundane but always suggest going for food so he can have a beer then he’s relaxed and happy! But that’s not dad life that’s single life to me..

OP posts:
Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 18:43

He would love some “us” time keeps saying date night but it fills me with dread. His behaviour and the way he is a dad makes me really not want to be alone with him. I just don’t find anything nice about him at the moment other than he works hard and helps around the house. That makes me sound awful doesn’t it :(

OP posts:
Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 18:45

If he was an amazing dad and put his kids first and played with them and have them his time it would make me want to spend time with him. But he just gets stressed and is painfully impatient with them. I feel like i over compensate for him so much I do adore the kids and probably smother them a lot but like I said I do over compensate. Then he comments “your too soft leave them” :(

OP posts:
MerlotMisery · 06/11/2024 18:46

Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 18:43

He would love some “us” time keeps saying date night but it fills me with dread. His behaviour and the way he is a dad makes me really not want to be alone with him. I just don’t find anything nice about him at the moment other than he works hard and helps around the house. That makes me sound awful doesn’t it :(

You need to tell him this.

Mrsttcno1 · 06/11/2024 18:48

Do you both get some free time/alone time OP? Again it’s not an excuse but I think it’s really hard to be an amazing parent AND work full time in a demanding job AND do the house stuff unless you also have some time to fill your own cup, it’s spinning lots of plates and inevitably one thing suffers.

Communication is key here if you do want to move forward.

Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 18:51

Feel like we have been here before and talked it through and I’ve spoken to him about his patience ect it great for a few months then slowly just goes back to square one again!

OP posts:
Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 18:52

Just feel like if my 7 year old boy cries and gets told to “stop being a wimp” and “man up” instead of a cuddle and a chat what affect that might have on him when he’s older! He will feel like he can’t show any emotion. He’s the nicest most loving child and I don’t want his dad to have an effect on that. X

OP posts:
Easipeelerie · 06/11/2024 18:57

He’s unkind to the children and to you and he makes you anxious. I think you’d be happier just you and the children. Is that a possibility? Is it something you could make happen?

Easipeelerie · 06/11/2024 19:01

His dad isn’t actually teaching your son to “man up” by being unkind to him. He’s actually teaching him the opposite, as your child will grow up anxious and will learn to hide his feelings. This will then be perpetuated in the next generation. If he is treated calmly, kindly and gently, he will be safe and that will help him to grow up to be a good man (that to me is real manning up!).

Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 19:04

Easipeelerie · 06/11/2024 19:01

His dad isn’t actually teaching your son to “man up” by being unkind to him. He’s actually teaching him the opposite, as your child will grow up anxious and will learn to hide his feelings. This will then be perpetuated in the next generation. If he is treated calmly, kindly and gently, he will be safe and that will help him to grow up to be a good man (that to me is real manning up!).

👏🏼 this is what I try and tell him all the time :(

OP posts:
Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 19:06

Easipeelerie · 06/11/2024 18:57

He’s unkind to the children and to you and he makes you anxious. I think you’d be happier just you and the children. Is that a possibility? Is it something you could make happen?

It could be. Just wouldn’t know where to start! I’m a sahm mum and he’s always been in control of finances. Not in a controlling way it’s just always been that way. My mum and dad live abroad I could go and stay with them a few months while I get sorted as I have no other family here. No savings. No job. I’m in a rut to be fair. Wouldn’t scare me being a single mum I just feel like I wouldn’t know where or how to start or go about it. I suppose it’s scary. Like I say I used to be outgoing / confident im a bit of an anxious worrier now x

OP posts:
Beastiesandthebeauty · 06/11/2024 19:07

Maybe try a date night just to get some break time but have a kids thing scheduled in. Will he do football with them or something similar ? Lego ? Is there any of his hobbies that can involve them

Booshbishpa · 06/11/2024 19:08

Beastiesandthebeauty · 06/11/2024 19:07

Maybe try a date night just to get some break time but have a kids thing scheduled in. Will he do football with them or something similar ? Lego ? Is there any of his hobbies that can involve them

If it’s watching football with them or playing ps5 with them that’s fine. Lego - no. Board games - no. Going to the park - no. He moans if my nephew or neice come to stay as it makes me children happy he’s just a bit of a miserable grump! Didn’t expect him to be this kind of dad. X

OP posts:
Beastiesandthebeauty · 06/11/2024 19:11

Aww I'm so sorry =( my first husband wouldn't take our kids out ever but he was abusive pos. My current husband struggles with bits like soft play and role play ( cafe ect ) but he finds a way to bond with all that's what I was hoping for your husband xx

Swipe left for the next trending thread