Husband determines my mood

[Booshbishpa]

Hi there. Looking for advice or am I over reacting? Married to dh for 12 years we have 2 young children 10 and 7 . I am a sahm and he works really hard manual job. He’s great round the house, always helping out. Washing, cleaning manual jobs can’t complain at all. But I feel like he’s just not interested in the kids at all. Like he has no time. I do football, gymnastics, swimming he takes them to karate one night a week and feel like he resents that I have one hour to myself that whole week! Anyway my son today was upset didn’t want to go (he’s very shy) so joined karate to build confidence and dh is like “stop being a wimp you be fine” and tells me not to “mard him” he does this a lot saying I fuss the kids ect but I just love them and want the best for them. He says I will “ruin” them being too nice. Makes me doubt myself as a mum. Also if I suggest a park at weekend or play centre he will pull his face. If we go for a meal he has a few drinks then will get mad at the kids when they say I’m bored ! Like why do they wanna sit in a restaurant for 3 hrs it’s boring because you want to have a drink.
he says we never have “us” time but if I’m honest I don’t want us time. If I seen he was a caring loving dad I maybe would but the way he speaks to the kids sometimes it makes me so sad. He sometimes speaks to his mum and dad disrespectful because they don’t come round enough but his mum has health issues and I understand but makes me sad how he talks to them at times. He constantly makes digs about my family or people around us. I find him draining and I’m on edge lately if I say anything to piss him off. In other words I’m drained . Am I over reacting?

Do you think he would be willing to address this problem? Through some parenting classes, or just reading and listening to podcasts?

He might need to hear it from a man (sigh) to understand just how much of a turn off it is for women when a man isn’t shaping up as a dad. It’s a skill set like any other, especially if his role models aren’t great,

I think you can do it. Start planning a new independent future. Do it in small manageable steps so you don’t feel overwhelmed e.g. one day you could research getting back into your area of work. Another day you could research housing or how it would work to live with parents temporarily. Another day, you could research what you need to do legally and money wise to split. I think there s a site called Wikidivorce that has lots of help. You can also look on/ask on the relationships board here to find out how other women managed a split and came out the other side.

I feel you deserve better - you’re a good person. You will never make this man understand child psychology. He doesn’t get it and he never will. Just think how he’ll treat them as teenagers when the children become stronger - willed. It’s a potential minefield.
Best Wishes

If your kids are at school and you are a sahm why are you only getting an hour to yourself?
To be honest if I was working full time in a hard job I wouldn't expect to have to do the evening clubs if only one parent was needed and one didn't work in the day.He's probably exhausted.
I think he probably needs some time to himself before he burns out.
It could be the reason he is so snappy and short with the kids. It's not acceptable but sometimes there are reasons that need looking at.

Not to minimise what you're saying regards how he speaks to your children for example, as posters above have addressed this, but maybe he doesn't have much energy left after work and housework and it sounds like he wants something enjoyable with his family after all that work. And maybe you need to find something to do outside of the home without the kids to find perspective and 'remember who you are', if you don't already, so you can on the whole determine your own mood.

My kids are home schooled. They have tutor once a week for 2 hours and I do the rest so I’m with them 24/7 apart from the hour he does karate. X

Oh ok, I missed that part, thanks for clarifying. Has he always been like this with the kids? It could still be burnout. Does he get any time to himself or just the two of you together?
When I am stressed and working long hours I find it hard to be patient. I wouldn't speak to my kids like your husband does but I know I am more ratty and snappy.

OP, your husband is a grumpy bully who is emotionally abusing his children.
Do not think for one minute your children are not well aware that their father has zero time or interest in them.
Despite your efforts anxiety and depression are rife in adulthood when children are bullied, emotionally dismissed and belittled.

This is a selfish man.
Time for you to contact your family and look at your options.
You need to look at returning to work.
At least if you return to your home country the children's schooling will not be interrupted.

I think contacting Women's aid might be helpful for you.

Yeah he goes out about twice a month for drinks with work or his friends! I’m fine with that. He used to go gym every day but has a slight injury at the minute . Goes watching football. X