Recovering from narcissistic abuse

[AmberExpert]

Just feeling really low at the moment and need a bit of a handhold and some support please.

I left my partner a few months ago, I only started to realise towards the end of the relationship that he was a narcissist and I'd been in a toxic, narcissistic relationship. Reading up on this I could see it had been the classic love bombing, then the triangulation with other women then the discard. It was absolutely awful and to be honest I still can't believe it happened. I went from being a strong, independent person to a shell of myself.

I'm starting to rebuild my life, but it just feels so hard at the moment. We are completely NC, but in my head I'm reliving all the good times and happy memories. I'm already imagining him moving on and living his best life with someone new. I know I'm seeing a lot of it through rose tinted glasses and it's not the truth, but everything seems like a hard slog at the moment and I feel scared I won't ever feel like my old self.

I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom or success stories to cheer me up.

Thank you x

Hope you’re ok…… ❤️
it’s so hard . And lonely. And I know how you feel. It happened to me. And for a year i was ok then I thought he had “changed” we got back together and after a few months it went back to how it was. I felt so stupid and such a fool. Please don’t make the same mistake twice and waste anymore of your life!! They can’t and don’t change.. You will meet someone who you can be totally yourself with and not have to worry what you say or walk on eggshells! Wishing you all the happiness in the world. Xxx

Hi, this sounds awful. My ex husband had some narcissitic traits, but to be honest it wasn't so much he was a narcissist (let's be honest, the term is used far too broadly) just an abusive t**t.

It does get better. You need the time and space to actually see life after him. If you're still thinking about him so much, was leaving him the right decision, or do you think things could have gone better/differently? As if so, I guess you have to choose whether to reach out and reconcile and give it another go, or, be clear that you've moved on and ho from there.

Speaking as someone with guilt of past relationships.....I do wish I had reached out and maybe tried harder to reconcile. It does haunt me. And I have to live with that now. That said, if you find peace, things do get better

@Booshbishpa sorry you went through this too, its just awful isn't it. I've moved away from where we lived so the chances of us seeing each other are very, very slim. Which does make things easier. As for meeting anyone else, I can't even comprehend that at this moment in time. The thought of being able to trust anyone, I just can't imagine it. Sounds like you are on the other side and starting to heal, that's good and I wish you every happiness too xx

@TheNewHazelQuail it was definitely the right decision to separate. I didn't know much about narcissistic behaviour until towards the end of the relationship but he was definitely a narcissistic. From what I've read I'm in a trauma bond, which is common in abusive relationships. I know in my head leaving was the right thing, it's just giving the heart time to catch up. It's just hard at the moment xx

Right now his new partner will be typing up a similar heartache on some other forum... THEY DO NOT CHANGE FOR THE NEXT PARTNER. He is dishing out the same triangulation (probably flexing you to them) right now. Write down all the dog shit things he did and said, and whenever your brain leaps to "the good times", read it out loud!!

I had a brief friendship with a person with narcissistic tendencies and the abrupt discard absolutely knocked for me six. I can’t imagine how painful it would be recovering from a long term romantic relationship.

I was going to suggest reading up on trauma bonds, and why breaking them is so difficult, but I can see that you’re already doing that.

There are plenty of kind, good, clever people who fall victims to narcissists, they’re incredibly skilled at manipulation.

It will hurt and you need to take time to grieve, but in time you will feel nothing but relief that this person is out of your life.

@woebetide8 I've got a list, it's a long one! I do read it back very often and it does help. I just wish I could fast forward another year or two when hopefully he'll be a distant memory.

Thank you @TheMagicDeckchair it's an awful experience whether it's with a friend or a romantic partner. I still can't believe I fell for it, but I did hook line and sinker. I know he will have moved on, there were a couple of other women in background as I left, and even though I know he'll be treating them the same eventually it still haunts me thst he'll be living his best life and I'm still here licking my wounds and wondering what the hell happened.

Hi lovely, I am sorry you’re going through such a hard time. If it helps, I understand where you are. I was meant to marry mine last month and called it all off due to the same realisations; I’d been in denial for a long while. It’s so overwhelming, but I hope with distance and time comes clarity. Please reach out if you need to chat x

Here are a few things that (slowly) have helped me to start rebuilding my own identity, much of which I think is lost in these relationships:

• journaling
• therapy if possible (trauma related could help, are there deeper rooted reasons as to why you may not feel you deserve better?)
• podcasts on such relationships may help to understand what happened and how it affects you
• positive self affirmations (you can find some good ones on Spotify)
• lots and lots of support from those you love, have you got that?
• any hobbies you lost sight of? Anything new you may like to try?
• exercise!
• medication has done me wonders, I know that’s not for everyone
• self care (nutritious food, a massage, going out with friends, going for a swim)
• let the emotions come. Eventually, a little anger may help!! How dare someone treat you in such ways

phew, as you can tell, I’ve been pulling out all of the stops. I hope this is a little bit helpful x

@justfindingmyway thanks so much for your post, and I'm so sorry this happened to you too. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must have been to call off the wedding. We weren't married and had only been together a few years, and that was hard enough.

To be honest it was easier at first, but seems to be getting harder.

Thank you for your list, I'm doing some of these things. I especially find the journalling really helpful. Cathartic almost. And I'm on medication, reluctant at first but I'm sure it's helping.

I'm here if you need to chat too. Take care x

Thank you. Starting over at 34 is the hardest part, if I had a crystal ball that life will be ok after this, I’d skip into the future. And by ‘ok’ I guess I mean knowing when the time is right I’ll meet someone wonderful xx

@justfindingmyway I've got 20 years on you, and feel like I should have known better. But it's not easy and these men are manipulative and clever. I'll be honest I can't ever imagine being in a relationship again, but you are still young and I really hope you find your Mr Wonderful xxx

I don’t think anyone can prepare you for thinking other people can be so cruel until you see it first hand and have lived it. It is sad that our eyes have been opened. Thank you for that, I am wondering at this point whether it’s just men, regardless of their age. That sounds bitter I know, it’s just how the hurt has made me feel x

I can assure you, from first hand, personal, empiric experience, that, no, it is not just men - I am still experiencing it and trying to find the strength and courage to break free.
My thoughts are with all those who have been, or, indeed, still are, affected by a relationship with a narcissistic partner. It is a miserable, agonising experience

Sorry that you are going through this too. I pray that we can heal from this and that this path leads to a brighter future

As others have mentioned, they just repeat the cycle with the next partner. They do not change.
Please remember that he never loved you and it was just a game. I always remind myself of this when my ex is kind to me or tries to win me back. It isn't genuine, the cycle will just repeat itself over and over.
I promise that it will get easier.

On the whole "he's out there living his best life" thing. Try and remember that it's not really that is it? It's a personality disorder manifesting in abusive behaviour patterns being inflicted on unsuspecting women.

Evicting them from your life is easier than purging them from your brain. That takes time. Remember you are the better person. You might be a bit battered and bruised from your run in with him, but you can and will recover from this.

I've been there too op, it's going to realistically take a year. Accept that, feel the feels and cry and take the ups and downs as they come. Pour all your energy into loving yourself, treat yourself the way you want to be treated, find hobbies you love, invest time in your friendships and trust me, in a year you'll be the happiest most fulfilled version of yourself and you will look down on this scum for the shit he is on your shoe. I've never been happier, it was hard work to pull through it but worth every minute 🥰

@thingymijigi and that's the thing, knowing he didn't really love me....that it was all part of the game. Rinse and repeat, again and again. My head knows that. It really does. Just the heart needs to catch up. And I know that he will just he the same with the next one, and the next. Rinse and repeat....

@unsync thank you, I love the evicting from your life is easier than from your brain. That is so true, so true. My life from the outside looks so much different. But the life in my head is still the same. But I know uts early days, and you're right I am battered and bruised and it'll just take time.

@teenmaw I'm sorry you've been through this shit show too. God it's just the worst isn't it? But so happy to hear you are out on the other side. Gives me hope.

I'm 7 months in, so I know its early days. I'm trying to find the balance between throwing myself into doing something ALL the time, keeping busy and not having a minute. But I know I need to sit with it, feel it and ride the wave. Know I can cope with these feelings and manage them rather than masking them.
Here's to a better future for us all.

i have just come out of this exact type abusive relationship. Left my marriage of 25 years for him too. Now he’s moved on with someone else - well there was also months of overlap I realise. Guy was insane I think - but hurts like hell right now.
how are YOU doing now a few months on from your post? Sounds like we’re the same age and I feel the same. Love to hear from you

Hey @SarahSmithson I'm doing ok thank you. I have more better days now and the intrusive thoughts of him are fewer. I don't wake up and think about him like I used to at first.

I've just had my year anniversary of leaving and I feel positive about the future. I'm living on my own and love that. Don't want another relationship happy to be by myself.

I'm sorry to hear you've been through it too. 25 years is a long time, and it will hurt like hell but I promise you it will get better, it really will. In fact it'll be so much better, you'll look back and think how far you've come.

Here if you need anything x

I love to hear from people after they’ve gotten out of a rubbish situation. How are you now? Are you thriving more? What has life held for you since leaving? Hope the way forward is much, much brighter