Sister in law just said she has ordered our niece something for her birthday, from her, her husband, me and my fiance??

[dublinderby34]

I mean, i don't know if to be grateful or feel a bit uneasy. She is fairly controlling over my fiance as it is, now she is ordering birthday presents for our nephew and asking for half the money from my fiance and saying its from us? It takes the fun out of us looking/going shopping together for our nephew.

should i reply and say ok thanks but we have something in mind for christmas? what the hell do i even reply to this??

i agree - so what do you suggest i reply? thanks but leave us out of xmas as ihave some cute ideas and i love xmas shpping and wrapping presents etc?

You could just say ‘well we didn’t agree to that did we Liz?’ And see what she comes back with.

that would cause WW3

Maybe say:
"Oh hasn't realised we had decided on joint gifts 🙈 I was looking forward to the shopping! Is it ok to just come from you?"

Oh god. We’ll go with a softly approach as you’ve suggested but I don’t see why you should be so anxious when she’s the one overstepping… sometimes you have to be calmly bold and curious. ‘Oh why did you do that then Liz? We’ve already got some things on order…’ (innocent wide-eyed blinking face…)

That is annoying but also quite helpful. Just let your fiance deal.

Well if it’s got to be done, it’s got to be done.

As its your partners sister (I think) I’d tell him first though in case he has a better idea. But it’s infantilising that she takes over your present choosing and that would make me FUCKING ENRAGED.

Sorry I'm confused. Is it your niece or nephew that a joint present has been bought for? Or both?

Is the gift something that you know your niece/nephew (you keep changing it) particularly wants?
If she/he really wants a specific item that costs - say - £40 and the two couples get it as a joint gift , wouldn't that be a better gift than two £20 gifts that the child might not be interested in?

Is there a history of your dp and his sister buying a joint Christmas present for their nieces/nephews?

If so I'd let it go and stay out.....
My 2 younger sisters buy my Dd a joint Xmas present - always have as they can get one bigger gift that she really wants. I also prefer it as otherwise she would end up with a lot more plastic 'tat' (that she loves but clutters my house!).

If it's a standing tradition for them to do it this way I don't see the issue. If not it's a bit presumptious but still not a bad idea

In fact I'd prob stay out regardless as it's up to your dp whether or not he's happy with it or not

I really can't understand why people would be raging or enraged about this situation. Annoyed, yes. Exasperated, yes. But raging? No.

“but i need to ask her mum what she would like for xmas”

No you don’t.

Who gets to hand over the gift? I wonder.
i would just say no o-she must have had the money or couldn’t have bought it.

Has sil bought neice/nephew gifts on behalf of your fiance before you got together? Might be this suited him in the past. If it doesn't suit now your partner should gently ask her not to bother going forward.

If the present is within budget and something neice/nephew will enjoy i would leave it this year. If it is over budget or not something you would want to gift then I would expect fiance to discuss with his sister.

Is this the first time this sister has done this? Is she used to buying presents on behalf of her brother because he's a man and men don't remember/haven't got a clue etc? If so, then personally I'd just let it go on this occasion - assuming it didn't cost £10,000. Also, if she's soon to be your sister in law and it would cause WW3 I think there may be better hills to die on in the future.

Three weeks ago you didn’t even live in the same country as your fiancé. Your age doesn’t change the fact that its not your niece, it’s your partner’s niece.
Leave him to deal with it, you haven’t mentioned him and what he wants once.

I think this is a great response (I definitely wouldn't be so polite, but I get you don't want it to kick off)

First of all, you need to speak to your husband to be. Find out if this is established behaviour between him and his siblings. He might not want to change it. There might have been a discussion amongst siblings to get this one thing. For example the child wanted an expensive gift and the siblings agreed to go halves.

If that is not the case then agree on what to do. And don’t bother with cover stories. Just straight up say that you want to buy presents as a couple unless otherwise agreed. Your choice as a couple as to whether you go along with the current proposal or tell her you won’t be contributing.

Nip this in the bud. Get your fiancé to have a word and tell her she's overstepping and in future to ask first.

Is it your niece or your nephew?

people like this go nuclear because that is how they get what they want

LET her go nuclear. stay calm and keep the message simple, 'thanks SIL, but I've already sorted out gifts, so wont be contributing to this.

if and when she kicks off repeat the message. I've already sorted out what I'm buying, but thanks. I don't believe in joint gifts so won't be chipping in for gifts in future'

If actually be grateful and it would save me a job. But as this is your partners family I think it's up to him to deal with it.

Also could have been done like this historically also.

Ask what it is and why she didn't ask you first. You already had presents in mind
She doesn't have to know you haven't asked your other sister yet.

Then text your sister at the same time asking what they want

Anyone else suspect they've probably done it like this for yonks, brother has been a lazy nob who just leaves it to sister.

Now OP has joined the party & the rules have changed but nobody knew of her cute ideas & love of xmas shopping.

So DSIL carried on as she always has & was happy to find something, brother remains oblivious & OP is miffed.

Have a conversation with the fiancée that you love Xmas & want to be involved or DIY next year, but if the above is accurate YABU to be cross with SIL - it's how their family works.