Is he flirting??

[Blimey97]

I feel like I'm going mad. DP and I have been having some issues for a while (unrelated to this). We've been trying hard to work on things but recently, I've been feeling jealous of his relationship with another woman. This woman is much older than my partner, so I don't know if I'm being ridiculous. I need some insight. So they were friends for a little while but recently they've grown closer and massage every day. Good morning messages etc. He's sat next to me messaging her before so I've caught glimpses. Anyway today I just felt something was off so I went down his phone and saw good morning message with a kiss emoji. Then I scrolled up and felt sick because he was saying how he missed her, and a nickname she was giving him made him "feel mushy 🥰". Comments about how she must want a hug from him etc. I kind of exploded and told him how I felt about this. Obviously I betrayed his trust by going down his phone which I will admit but I would have never known he was crossing a line otherwise. He claims he only sees her as a friend and was not flirting. But is he being truthful?? He seems genuine but I would never dare to talk to a male friend like that. I don't know what to do as I don't feel I can trust him anymore..

No, that's flirting alright.

He claimed he didn't do it intentionally and he didn't realise. He's not the type to go around flirting with other women either, so I don't know what to think.

That would be the end for me. It's very disrespectful to your relationship to do this.

I’m so sorry yes that is flirting. Sending you a virtual hug. I’ve been through this and it is like a punch when you see the message . X

He is the type because he's doing it.

Talking about mushy feelings and hugs and so forth 🙄. Sure, right, he didn't realise. 🙄

Do they see each other in person much?

The fact he is are messaging Good morning means he is thinking about her as soon as he wakes up. And yes those messages you saw are flirting and he is in emotional affair territory.
He is overstepping boundaries for someone supposed to be in a committed relationship.

About once or twice a week but they only see each other briefly. It's weird because I've met her and she seems nice, never ever suspected anything before. But now I just feel sick and confused.

Also he's now said sorry and that he feels he was crossing a line and that he won't send any messages like that again because it's not worth losing me over it. I'm not sure how I'm meant to feel!?

I just think if I was sending messages like that to his brother for instance wouldn't that be completely inappropriate!? He said he would be fine with it. Hmm.

Bollocks, that's flirting.

I feel that going through someone's phone habitually is a breach of trust but I don't agree with it being used as a method to stop any line of questioning if caught actually sending incriminating messages, which these are. Ethically it's tough if I'm saying the ends justify the means but if something is found that's dodgy then no, I don't think it can be wormed out of that way. I suppose I'm saying I think it's quite case by case whether it's ok to snoop as a last resort. You HAVE found something following your suspicions. It's all very well to say 'just leave if you suspect'. Well, a major relationship isn't always like that. You do want to see something solid.

Anyway. Musings aside.

Those messages aren't suitable for married man to send to a woman who isn't his wife (or relative if you're a lovey type of family). They give and accept the impression of being emotionally available.

It was intentional. Does he send his boss, mates, the mechanic hearts and good morning messages?

Ask him to start explaining himself and stop obfuscating. It's the least you deserve.

Again, bollocks. Because it's not sexually explicit he's trying to wriggle out of what it really is, which is flirting/ over familiar/ emotionally too close etc. Of course it wouldn't be ok it you were just sending it to his brother out of nowhere, but he thinks he can get away with it because you may conceivably send it to your brother or sister if you had that relationship i.e. its not sexual or passionate so he thinks he can continue along that line instead of addressing whatever really happened. It may not even be much. Perhaps just the texting got too familiar when drunk or bored. But he needs to admit that, not play it down.

He’s crossed a line and yet would also be fine if you were doing it, which is it? He’s obfuscating and minimising. He wouldn’t be fine with it, it’s inappropriate and would soon escalate. He should cut contact with her now ideally.

Definitely flirting, no question

Also I’m sorry this is happening to you OP. I’ve been there and it sucks. The initial messages in my case were similar to what you describe. ‘Can’t wait to see your beautiful face’ and similar, not sexual but not appropriate. Then it escalated to sexual content and it was with someone I never would have thought in a million years.

It's weird. I don't think he's attracted to her at all. BUT I think he was really enjoying the attention and enjoying the flirting? Which is still bloody awful? Not sure I can see past that. He said he's staying friends with her etc. He's going out with her next week with a couple of others.

He's said he "won't make the same mistake twice" and won't send anything like that again. But the fact he sent it in the first place is still bothering me!!!!

He is overtly lying to you. You really might as well decide to believe him or “your own lying eyes” because he definitely knows what he is doing.

OP he knows what he is doing. That’s obviously flirting and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s already crossed into an affair.

It should bother you especially as things hadn’t been good between you. My husband refused to stop seeing the person . We went to counselling and it helped us to separate . Seems extreme over some messages but if he can’t put you first by stopping g seeing her your relationship does not matter to him enough xx

How do you feel about him going out with her?

I don't know. It seems the flirting only takes place over messages not in person. They're never usually completely alone in person.

An affair isn’t always with someone you are particularly attracted to, and they can start unintentionally. If a line gets crossed it’s perilous.

I feel like I need a break but I have nowhere else to go. I'm stuck :(

Do you have someone to talk to about it irl?

Not really. I don't have many friends or family. And tbh I don't want to involve others in this mess at the moment.