Honestly- does you or your partner ever get nasty in arguments?

[Grotint]

Honestly? Just trying to gauge what’s ‘ok’
I don’t but my current partner can at times and previous ones too.

No we don’t. I did with my bf when I was 20, I was emotionally very immature and at the end of our relationship it had devolved to shouting out of frustration.

What do you mean by nasty? Shouting, insults? Are you arguing a lot - why, about what?

I try to frame disagreements as conversations, but sometimes my partner can be very sensitive and perceive things as criticism, that alone is tiring enough.

Define 'nasty'. I would say the worst for us (and we do argue!) is getting a bit loud and those old 'you always do xyz' phrases but generally once we've cooled off we both apologise and try to resolve / move on. Never, ever, ever do we scream or name call or belittle or hit or throw things. I don't think it ever crosses either of our minds to do so and I'd like to think (although I recognise insidious escalation of unwanted behaviour can wreak havoc with intentions so not downplaying this for anyone) neither of us would tolerate it from the other.

No, but my XH did and it was part of the reason I divorced him, along with the deflection of “but I say things I don’t mean” afterwards.
The worst was, it did only ever get worse- accepting that he “just said stuff” once in an argument was permission to “just say stuff” a little bit worse the next time.

I will never be spoken to like that again. It is spoken I know for a fact would be an instant dumping.
The whole dynamic with the new person is completely different (but we’ve only been together about a year!)

In 20 years we have never called each other names or said something to try and hurt each other.

I can think of maybe 5 occasions where voices have been raised, usually because One of us has dismissed the others concerns, but the fact it's even happened is usually a wake up call to the other that they're not engaging the other properly, so the shouting only ever lasted a few seconds.

Things like “I can’t stand you” not necessarily name calling but hurtful comments like that

Yeah, this. In 20 years, we've shouted a bit in annoyance but thats very rare (probably happened 3 or so times in 20 years) and neither of us have ever called the other one a name or told the other to fck off or anything like that. For me, calling me names or cursing at each other is an absolute deal breaker.

I wouldnt feel safe in a relationship where someone can do that and then expect everything to go back to normal once the argument is over.

The only relationship I've been in where there were comments like this was an absolute wreck and ended very painfully. I look back on it regretfully. It was not a good relationship.

In my marriage there has never been anything like this and I can't imagine it.

Nope, never, though we rarely argue anyway, it’s not in either of our temperaments.

No never in 35 years. Raised voices very occasionally (a handful of times in all those years) which was calmed down very quickly with a ‘please don’t raise your voice, let’s talk about this calmly’.

We’ve never called each other names, sworn or got properly angry. Ever. I don’t think I’d cope at all well with that way of disagreeing to be honest and it would really upset DH so I wouldn’t do it either. Even when we’re disagreeing we’re still basically on the same team, we’re not against each other.

Yep and have since very early on. It's why I think we will end up divorced although we are so compatible in so many ways and love each other. There are so so many things he has said I will never forget or forgive and I'm sure he feels the same. It's not like I'm angry all the time but sometimes I feel like in ten years I have never felt truly relaxed or trusting in our home. He gets personal very fast. Always blames it on me too. Usually unfairly imo.

If you cannot stand each other then split

If you cannot stand each other then split
If one of you cannot stand the other they should walk away for good
Do not put up with it any more

No, never. I've obviously felt annoyed sometimes by him / vice versa / occasionally we need space but never have I felt I couldn't 'stand' him or said such a thing, he has never said this either. I would be very unsettled if he did and would expect him to be too, if I did. As a PP said, even when disagreeing, we are still ultimately on the same team. I think also mutual respect is a huge factor, arguably as or more important than love to be honest. Without it, not sure relationship will last (or at least, not last happily).

Absolutely never. No name calling or statements. The only thing we might say is "you're being really rude" and we say this rather than "you're always so rude". As the truth is, they are only being rude for a couple of seconds, and not always. Once you say something, you can't take it back.

The question is if they can't stand you then why the fuck are they still with you? So this statement is either true and they like the high they get from putting you down or they say this to hurt you, either way it isn't good.

An argument or disagreement should only be about that issue. There should be no name calling, no belittling comments and no bringing in something from the past. Have a look at YouTube for The Gottman Institute and Jimmy on Relationships, they tell you what a healthy relationship looks like. How you resolve conflict within a relationship is the key to a relationship surviving. Gottman has a 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse video on the 4 key behaviours that pretty much guarantee your relationship will not last. Definitely worth a watch.

When disagreeing each person needs to remember they are supposed to love and care for the other person, you are meant to be a team tackling issues together. Habits are very hard to break though so if this is how they have always communicated it may be hard. I grew up in a very shouty household, our parents shouted at each other, we as children shouted at each other. I remember being at someone else's house as a teen and they had a very calm conversation and I suddenly realised not everyone shouts and screams in each other's faces.

I can have a vicious tongue in an argument. I can say some awful things when we argue but I don't mean them. I'm like a caged animal.

I always apologise afterwards and this was in the past, I'm much kinder now.

My DH can, he has a nasty side, it's only if he drinks he can't control himself. We're a teetotal household so it's like once a year.

Somehow I manage to not use the below the belt comments even when dealing with him in full-blown arsehole provocation mode. There are some topics I just won't go too no matter how provoked I am. I only raise my voice at him if he is doing something that could effect the kids..I think the children are my weakness in that regard, I find it so hard to control myself when it's about them 😅

Sadly my marriage was bad in this way and I'm divorced now. My ex used to use could language in our arguments which really unsettled me because I never grew up up around swearing, that wasn't the reall issue though it was the things that he would say, he fought dirty, I'm sure I said bad stuff too but he kind of hit below the belt, I still remember to this day some of the awful things that he said to me in the last few years of our marriage, it could not have hurt more if he had hit me physically. He told me that I had no friends, no hobbies, no life, that I was pathetic, and "fucking stupid" and a bad person, and that the reason our marriage was falling apart was because I came from a broken home. Utterly awful - still hurts to this day 😢

Never. We don’t argue though and haven’t had more than a disagreement which makes him go quiet. He’s never raised his voice, swore or name called me.

No, never. And yes, people can help themselves. It's bullshit when they say they can't.

No, we rarely fight, and when we do, it's never shouting or personal. If we find tempers flaring, we tend to park it, go do our own thing for a bit and then revisit it in a calmer state.

Any disagreement is usually approached by both of us hearing each other out and seeing where we can find common ground.

You'll always remember the names you were called or the personal insults long after you've forgotten what the fight was about. I don't think i could share my life with someone who used nastiness and insults to "win".

No, that kind of thing isn't acceptable to me.

I don't mind a passionate argument with raised voices and a few exasperated comments. I will not tolerate name calling, mimicry, screaming and outright yelling, invading personal space, below the belt personal attacks, contempt, derision or anything of that ilk.

If your partner is capable of acting like they genuinely hate you, I recommend leaving.

Angry sometimes but never insults or saying cruel things to hurt.

Maybe "I can't believe you did something so stupid" but never "I can't stand to be around you fat bitch".

I've had 'I can't stand you when you are like this' and me right back at him too. But that's been during a particular time of terrible stress when we were both, looking back, just lashing out at a situation not each other. But it didn't feel like that at the time.

As a general rule though we try and talk stuff through before it gets to that stage. And if we are having a proper ding dong it's usually because one of us is hungry...

So no, it's probably not right or normal for you to be feeling this way.