Once bitten, always shy

[Lollyp2]

I started a fight yesterday.

My DH got a text from his female friend who he has been touchy with previously.

She was inviting us for dinner soon but I will be working so obviously my DH will be attending by himself.They will be 3 of them.My DH, his friend and his friends GF who sent the text out.

My DH told me about it ( possibly coz I would have found out anyway) and my memory of the past ( my DH and the OW being touchy flared up).

I became very emotional and almost began crying because when my DH was touchy feely with her, he didn't apologise when I brought it up until I threatened to leave.
In my emotions I told him to go for the dinner but to "keep his hands to himself" given previous history.
This upset him so much.

How can I forget what happened while they still carry on being touchy?
The way he looks at her and keeps asking his guy friend about her worries me.

Why can't he just leave them alone and concentrate on mending our relationship?

Is this the woman your DH went on swimming dates with OP?
The woman that he calls darling and other affectionate names when they message each other?
From your other threads your DH doesn't have any boundaries with other women.
So it's not surprising you aren't happy about this latest date he is going on.
It just seems such a one sided relationship OP when he is giving other women the attention he should be giving to you, his wife.

Yes it's her.
I am sort of reassured that her BF will be there but he is always there even with the subtle touchy-feeliness going on.
I am surprised how he doesn't notice.
It must be that he trusts his friend so much that he is blind to what's happening.

I cannot bring it up with him (OW's BF) coz he may think I am crazy accusing my DH and his GF of having something going on.

I feel really helpless. My family live out of Brussels and we are mixed race relationship so I fear that if I spoke to his friends they would not believe me.

I don't have many friends here and find myself hanging out with his family and friends.
People think he is great so I am sure if I spoke to anyone about what's been happening they would probably not believe me.
I have spoken to my family but all they can do is ask me to speak to him which I have done to no avail.

Is this the one that gifted her a naked woman picture and plays with her hair ?

@Beastiesandthebeauty
Yes this is the one he wanted to gift that picture through her BF.My DH offered her BF the picture for an early Christmas gift which he declined.

Yes this is the OW who he had his hands in her hair twice while sat next to her.

And you're still complaining about him because...?

You don't trust the guy (and probably for good reason).

It's no way to live.

You'd probably find yourself happier in the long run if you let go of the relationship.

@Summerhillsquare
Sorry I am asking for advice and not complaining.
I feel devastated yet we have only been married for 7 months.

@category12 the trust is so hard to build up again.
Too much happened at the same time.
I am trying to forgive my DH for hair touching , a woman on his lap , kissing an older woman on the lips.

He sounds awful.

Why do it to yourself?

Life's too short to spend it tying yourself into knots "forgiving" someone who feels just fine about getting physical with other women repeatedly.

Cut your losses, go home.

I mean, if he was serious about fixing things, he wouldn't make it about him being upset that you don't trust him to keep his hands to himself, he'd be trying to reassure you. And he'd probably give the invitation a miss this time until you can go too or things are better between you.

Basically it seems like he's stroppy that you're upset he's all over other women like a rash.

Will you keep posting about him over and over?

I'm not understanding the mixed race reference.

I think you should dump him. He is a creepy man from what you've described.

@category12 I understand.
Thank you all.

I am so sorry for this long message but this is how I feel.

Yes he would be more or reassuring.
All he said was that he still doesn't think it was wrong to do as we are all different types of people.Some more touchy and friendly than others so he still stands by all the things he did didn't mean anything to him from a romantic point of view -that's why I shouldn't be worried.

When we had a chat, his solution was to be getting up if any of his female friends sat on his lap.

My DH also asked why I had to bring up the past when we had already talked about it previously : My answer was that I still have a memory of everything and especially when the OW comes up.

If she was really wanting both of us there I think she would invite us through the group we formed (myself, OW, MY DH and her BF).
We would all chat from there.

OW pretends to be very friendly to me yet will never private message me.She instead choses to private message my DH.

After I brought up "to keep his hands to himself" I travelled away for work for 4 days.Its been 3 days now and all I have received from my DH is a text asking why I brought the past up and that we are both now upset for different reasons.We haven't spoken now for 3 days in a row.

He definitely went for the dinner.
There was no backing out.
We have once attended a wedding with this couple and my DH couldn't hang out with me but was clinging to them.
Danced with them on the dance floor while I sat by myself and didn't once spend time sat with me.
He was always wanting to sit with the couple as if I am boring company.

My DH might be obssessed with them.
He speaks about them almost daily saying "they are the couple we envy as they travel alot and don't plan to have kids, they are going on holiday to Malta -shall we also go there? "

Strange thing is I feel he keeps his friendship going with his boy because he is interested in his GF.
They have grown very close and he loves their company.
I just don't understand how the guy doesn't see that my DH is after his GF.

You should be worried yourself.

Let him go.

He doesn't want to spend time with you.

He wants to be with this ow.

You're figuring it out yourself. Why delay?

This all seems very immature behaviour with lap sitting and hair playing etc.
How old are you all?

He is going to break your heart, he isn't the man for you !!

What I meant was there's no point asking, or complaining, or understanding. There are no magic words, only your actions. He's made his position clear.

Sounds like you're managing a toddler in a toy store - "darling, stop touching".

You are quite magnanimous, being able to forgive so much. The problem with this is he'll have even less respect for you, as you've continue to lose respect for yourself.

Again, why are women putting up with stuff like this? I really don’t understand

@LilyJessie believe it or not, we are late thirties.Too old for fooling around.
We recently attended a party and were playing games in teams.
OW was with my DH in the same team.
Besides having many other members of the team My DH and OW seemed to indulge themselves in their own company including my DH picking out one of the games to play particularly with her.
I kept an eye on my DH and he certainly did not play any other game with any other particular member.
At that party OW got drunk and began a game of making the 3-5 Yr old kids pull down the trousers of their fathers.
I honestly feel very anxious about this OW.

I am seeking advice because I don't want to be irrational and accusatory to my DH.
I love him alot and don't want to leave without trying to sort this out.
It's just that it keeps building up.

What I have mentioned is stuff that I have witnessed only to be told that I am reading too much into everything.
My DH makes me feel delusional about my observations. He makes me think I am crazy.
I Guess it's time have my actions speak.

You are right to feel anxious about her and him. They are crossing boundaries.

What cultural background is he from ?
How did you two meet ? It really worries me that he can make you minimise something that is clearly distressing you. From previous posts weren't you also trying for a baby ?

And if you gave him an ultimatum what would happen?

Don't get pregnant now whatever you do, sounds like he's made his views clear there too.

Stop wasting your life, OP.

@Beastiesandthebeauty
Yes they are and it is apparent that they don't find it wrong.

My DH is Caucasian.
OW is Caucasian too.
I am carribean.
We met online and dated for 1.5 years before he proposed.
I had never seen this behaviour at all.
Yes we are trying for a baby but since this began I sometimes feel so low that there is no intimacy

@Summerhillsquare
I did give him an ultimatum when I spoke to him about this & boundaries and said that I would leave if these behaviours carried on

Have you ever sat on another man's lap infront of him ?

I worry for you, you seem very sweet and loyal but I think he is stringing you along completely. I've seen I think 4 posts from you and everyone screams the same thing. What does he do that makes you feel happy and loved ?

I'd bet he suddenly finds it wrong if you were doing the same thing. He knows it is wrong, and it is disrespectful to you.

And if he truly does not feel that anything he did is wrong then his morals/values/relationship boundaries do not align with yours. You cannot have a happy and healthy relationship with someone that is not on the same page with you about fidelity.

Think about this - this is who he is and how he will behave for the rest of his life and who he is does not make you happy. Any attempt to discuss results in him making you question yourself.

It doesn't matter that you feel you love him. This isn't reason to stay if he isn't loving you back and respecting you in the way you need and deserve. He is not making you feel happy or secure, which is a requirement for a good relationship.

Stay if you want - but if so you are choosing to stay in misery. The race thing is irrelevant- I am Caucasian, and his behaviour is wrong and disgusting, as well as his justification of it. It may not seem like it right now, but you will be happier without him in your life. Better to go through the heartache phase of a breakup and emerge happier once you get through and time heals it, than to experience the constant heartbreak of being with someone who's actions cause constant hurt and who destroys your trust and self confidence.