She cannot forget what happened in the past

[male20]

Male 20, been dating F19 for 4.5 years. On 31st, she says she wants to break up because of the way I was in 2020-start of 2021. I was pretty dumb 15-16 year old and was pretty impulsive and abusive, I would ask her to block her friends and spend all her time with me and I was very anxious. But we managed through it, and I started to change, I wouldn't do same things and we kinda managed to still be together, happy and loving. But sometimes her feelings would just fade and she would not talk to me and then I know she was upset for things I did before. I did my best to comfort her and we would go on.
Two weeks ago our relationship was totally fine. Then, in her university, where she was attending a theatre club, was a concert, and she was in charge of preparing for it. Concert was scheduled at 28th. She was BURNED OUT, didn't want anything and then she got terribly sick. But when she kinda recovered, I started noticing that she was acting really cold. And on 31st, she finally confessed, that she "cannot love a person who made her cry every day" and that she has been thinking about it for a few weeks. Even though she admits I changed, and she said I did nothing wrong (at least past few months). She, as she put it, has a "mental block" and decided it will be better to part ways, because it's very hard for her. She apologizes a lot for "not being able to forget", she apologizes for "hurting me" and for "ruining our happiness". I keep telling her that I understand why she feels this way, but I just want her to give me one more chance to try and make her forget. I tried giving her a lot of good memories, and yet...
She would only occassionally (once in a year maybe) mention that it troubled her, and she never spoke to anyone about it. We still talk, trying to figure out what to do. She just kept it all to herself. She is not sure whether she wants to break up or stay. I wanna help her and stay with her. People might say that "you'll find better" or "she isn't worth it", trust me, she is worth it. And it's not just because I am attached to her.
I know I was wrong, I apologized profusely and admitted to being wrong, I learned and changed, I was terrible. But I tried my best for those relationships, I realized I was the worst, and I thought we can finally now live in peace, and then this happens. Fuck me.

Sometimes when you really love someone you need to let them go.

You're both really young. If you've truly learned from past mistakes then you need to respect her boundaries. And you will also make someone a really fantastic partner one day - not many men are able to be so reflective.

Why have you posted on mumsnet out of interest?

Me and her are rus-speaking couple, but people on rus-speaking forums are usually unreasonably toxic and say things that are just not right, I thought this is the place though? Don't wanna start a new reddit account just for the post, although, maybe, I should give it a shot

Oh lol, it's parents forum.

but people on rus-speaking forums are usually unreasonably toxic and say things that are just not right

You’ll be right at home here then

No idea what rus speaking platforms are.

It's an open forum. People are twats in rl and so can be on a forum.

Mumsnet is for mothers but within that comes a huge amount of other things, particularly relationships. Occasionally men post.

Sneak a peek at the relationships board to see the kinds of behaviour men / fathers exhibit. Many women are helped out of abusive relationships on this forum every year.

The fact you've reflected and changed and know what was wrong will stand you in good stead in the future.

It sounds to me as though her mental health is being destroyed by being in a relationship which is toxic for her. She needs to separate from you, but she seems to be hindered by fear, obligation and guilt. The most loving thing you can do for her is to break it off with no drama and walk away.

You're very young OP.

There will be someone else.

She doesn't love you anymore but she isn't saying it very clearly. I'm sorry.

What's rus speaking? I googled it and got up stuff on speaking Russian.

I agree, you are both very young, and to have been together for so many years of your youth... you will both have changed a lot in that time, and it's a good chance now to think about what you both really want in a partner, not just shared history.

There's also been the awful case in the news lately of a coercive teenage boy who turned violent, and this may have made her reflect on how frightening that behaviour was, and I could understand her not being able to get past that. It's good that you've done some thinking and grown up a bit.

I think it's R U Serious.

And are you a parent lol?

What is an “are you serious speaking couple?”

Maybe she's just ready to break with you and she thinks she needs a reason. She doesn't. She isn't happy for whatever reason. We have a partner to make us happy and if it doesn't, there's no point. As a pp said, you're both very young and there's no hurry to settle down.

When I Google I just get Getty images...

rus speaking = their first language is Russian.

Yes, I thought it was obvious, but clearly not.

OP - it's over, and you need to respect that. You are both very young, and there will plenty of others. Make sure you learn from this, and don't get abusive with them too.

Ok there are two reasons why your relationship is almost certainly doomed.

The first is that building a relationship is a bit like building a house. Brick by brick you keep adding to it. Except the first thing you do is build the foundations. And yours are - to be frank - shit. So no matter how nicely you paint the bedroom the house will just keep on cracking and bits will keep on breaking. For a relationship to survive long term you generally need really good foundations. I have been married nearly 25 years. Our lives are caught up with kids and bills and jobs and “why is there mould in the bathroom again?”. But deep down my husband is the 22 year old that 19 year old me was besotted with.

The other reason is that generally people do not abuse their partner because they love them and would hate to make them unhappy. But you were ok with that. Which means that she can never be in a position where she is vulnerable with you. Where leaving would be difficult. Because - deep down - you are ok with her being unhappy. And no matter what you do or what you say that truth cannot be changed,

I thought it was Russian speaking. I know some cultures (according to MN) are blunter and "less polite" than English speakers but I could be very wrong 😂

OP - people grow up and change significantly between the ages of 18 and 25 especially if one person goes to university away from home. She wants different things and I suspect she is feeling very trapped right now. Let her go and find someone that has similar desires and expectations as yourself. You have followed different path to each other, that's all.

@male20 - you don’t have to be a mum to post on Mumsnet. Plenty of non-parents post; plenty of men post.

It’s hard when first love ends but very few of us are with our first loves and with good reason. You and she are both very young and hopefully you will live another 60/70 years. It’s a bit soon to decide who your life partner will be.

We all make mistakes in relationships sometimes. I agree with a previous poster who suggested that your girlfriend is looking for an excuse to end your relationship because she doesn’t realise she can just end it. But she can just end it. The best thing you can do for both of you is let your girlfriend go. It hurts like hell but most of us have been there and the pain will pass, though it will take time.

She says you made her cry every day for years and you've been better for a few months?

Doesn't sound good to me.

Making someone cry every day and stopping them seeing friends is controlling.

You need a group of friends first.

Then a relationship.

She's at uni. She's met some lovely people.
She wants to move on.

She doesn’t have to stay with you if she no longer wants to. It would be awful to know someone stayed when they didn’t want to.

Your first relationships are ‘practice runs’. You take what you learned and do better with the next one. It’s time to do better.

The PPs comment about foundations is really important.

And the one about you being ok with her being unhappy. She’s unhappy now- and you’re trying to make her stay. Your behaviour made her unhappy before, but you did it anyway. You prioritise your happiness above hers- still.

You aren’t ready.

You say she can’t forget what happened in the past, I say ‘Why should she?’.

If I was bitten by a dog two years ago, I’m not going to trust that dog again. It would be foolish.

Ah thanks, apologies

but I just want her to give me one more chance to try and make her forget.

Jesus.. you can't make people forget!

She won't ever forget, and given your ages this relationship could have shaped her whole view on relationships and her worth as a person, she is probably now spending time with other people who are having healthy relationships and the penny has dropped that what you guys had was actually extremely toxic and she has realised that she doesn't want that for her future.

My best guess about the timing of this revelation, is there are probably elements of your relationship which crop up from time to time (probably during times of stress) which serve to remind her that you will never change completely, there is always going to be a part of you that she is frightened of or takes her back to the times you were abusive.

If you loved her you would listen and let her go.