She cannot forget what happened in the past

[male20]

Male 20, been dating F19 for 4.5 years. On 31st, she says she wants to break up because of the way I was in 2020-start of 2021. I was pretty dumb 15-16 year old and was pretty impulsive and abusive, I would ask her to block her friends and spend all her time with me and I was very anxious. But we managed through it, and I started to change, I wouldn't do same things and we kinda managed to still be together, happy and loving. But sometimes her feelings would just fade and she would not talk to me and then I know she was upset for things I did before. I did my best to comfort her and we would go on.
Two weeks ago our relationship was totally fine. Then, in her university, where she was attending a theatre club, was a concert, and she was in charge of preparing for it. Concert was scheduled at 28th. She was BURNED OUT, didn't want anything and then she got terribly sick. But when she kinda recovered, I started noticing that she was acting really cold. And on 31st, she finally confessed, that she "cannot love a person who made her cry every day" and that she has been thinking about it for a few weeks. Even though she admits I changed, and she said I did nothing wrong (at least past few months). She, as she put it, has a "mental block" and decided it will be better to part ways, because it's very hard for her. She apologizes a lot for "not being able to forget", she apologizes for "hurting me" and for "ruining our happiness". I keep telling her that I understand why she feels this way, but I just want her to give me one more chance to try and make her forget. I tried giving her a lot of good memories, and yet...
She would only occassionally (once in a year maybe) mention that it troubled her, and she never spoke to anyone about it. We still talk, trying to figure out what to do. She just kept it all to herself. She is not sure whether she wants to break up or stay. I wanna help her and stay with her. People might say that "you'll find better" or "she isn't worth it", trust me, she is worth it. And it's not just because I am attached to her.
I know I was wrong, I apologized profusely and admitted to being wrong, I learned and changed, I was terrible. But I tried my best for those relationships, I realized I was the worst, and I thought we can finally now live in peace, and then this happens. Fuck me.

You were young and daft, you made mistakes and hurt her. I'm glad you've grown up and seen the error of your ways. I know it is painful but let her go. You can both move on as the people you are now not the people that made those mistakes when you were so young. It seems like the end of the world now hit it really isn't. Life has so much more to bring you yet. All the best.

My daughter was in a relationship similar to what you describe in yours aged 15. We strongly pushed for her to end it which thankfully she did. As a parent I would hope she wouldn’t go back to that guy, sorry.

Good for you for changing but if she is ending your relationship that is her choice to do. You will find a way through the emotion of it all. It is almost a right of passage at your stage in life to lose love.

My advice. Look for someone who likes doing what you like doing (so similar hobbies and interests) day to day or at the very least her interests slot around your interests. Figure out what you enjoy doing, what your strengths are, what your weaknesses are and what is your purpose for the future and somewhere in the middle of all of that for quite a lot of people their love life slots into place. Make sure the person you find brings out the best in you and you in them then in the long term you will be very happy.

While from your pov, you just want her to give you one more chance, you are missing that from her pov, she has been giving you multiple chances over and over since it happened. That your instinct is to cling on each time she doubts the relationship, and put her off ending it for another year, is not a win. The doubts are still there and it sounds like you are making it as hard as possible for her to end things. I suspect that each time she comes close to cutting ties you dig deep and up the anti.
You are not helping her by staying, be honest, you are helping yourself. You still have a fair bit to learn because now you are on a forum tring to get any advice you can to get her to stay with you, like your level of trying to convince her knows no bounds. I think it sounds like she's wanted to end this for a long time, but she's afraid what you'll do when she does.
I doubt you will find anyone saying "she's not worth it" on here, she actually probably needs to realise that she's worth a lot more than you make her feel. If she had self-worth, she would of ended this a long time ago, but perhaps now uni is giving her opportunity to realise her value.