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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't want children to have friends over

38 replies

lurker1000 · 04/11/2024 16:28

OK, so I am trying to be reasonable here but I am really annoyed. Me and DH have been having rough few years - I've posted before - he's a gambling addict, moved out a year ago, two years off a bet. He's been back living with us on and off - but we aren't fully back together (we are in the sense there is no one else, but I am here paying all the bills etc) whilst he is still paying for a flat - which is his standby I think.

That's not the issue - he's started the last few weeks - having a real issue when the kids have friends over. I look after one of my DC's friends after school one night a week and the favour is reciprocated on a Friday (I'm at work). He said he doesn't want this to happen every week as he is working at home (I calmly pointed out he has an office to go to and a flat as it happens). He doesn't like family or friends coming over. It was a birthday party for my sister at the weekend and he wouldn't go and I went alone with the kids (to be fair, my family are completely done after how he treated me with the gambling and moving out) but I don't think we can ever actually move forward.

I feel like he wants to isolate me (he says this is absolutely not the case) and is happy if our life doesn't involve other people. He only really speaks to his Gambling Anonymous friends now. I know that my nuclear family are the priority but I don't want my kids to grow up without their extended family and friends around them too. I don't invite people over regularly, but every now and again would be nice. The kids are different and I don't think having a school friend for a couple of hours is a big deal (even if it is every week). I'm trying hard not to blow my cool and point out that I am paying the mortgage etc and he has no right to tell me who can and can't come to the house. I just want things to be resolved but it's his way or no way.

Is this just me??

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 04/11/2024 16:33

He sounds awful. What right does he have to dictate who you and your kids have in your own home? I'd tell him flatly that he's going to need to go back to his flat. You shouldn't have bended to his whim and let him back in the house. He's a piss taker. I'd say to him leave the house and frankly never speak to him again.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 04/11/2024 16:34

Say no and keep saying no. He can clear off to his flat if he's not happy. The fact your family are done with him speaks volumes as to how bad he must have been.

premierleague · 04/11/2024 16:35

Doesn't sound like a marriage worth persisting with - you've basically got another petulant child to deal with.

loropianalover · 04/11/2024 16:36

This sounds horrible OP. Is he embarrassed of himself/self loathing deep down and doesn’t want to see anyone?

Don’t isolate yourself or give up a nice childcare arrangement. You never know what help/favour you’ll need from people in the future, it’s not good to be alone. Your DC’s deserve a regular childhood having friends over.

I’d send him back to his flat and let him be alone there.

Icepinkeskimo · 04/11/2024 16:37

He’s in absolutely no position to “dictate” you do realise this is all about him controlling not just you but your children?
This isn’t love, it’s not caring about someone it’s about selfishness and power.
The only reasonable resolution is to tell him it’s over.
What positive attributes is he bringing to your life?
If your best friend was going through this what would you advise her?
You only get one life, live it to the fullest, not this miserable existence.

Opentooffers · 04/11/2024 16:42

He should sod off back to his flat if he's left you paying all the bills. You should see a solicitor, there's no point in being married to him if he's not paying up, you can still co-parent, maybe even live to gether, but you need to get his name off the mortgage and get the finances split by divorcing. Then he'd have to pay you cms, so you'd be much better off.

thesunisastar · 04/11/2024 16:46

He is telling you loud and clear that he has no interest in prioritising his children's happiness and wellbeing if it inconveniences him.

He is not a good father.

WickedlyCharmed · 04/11/2024 16:47

Just divorce him, get a financial order in place asap and be done with it.

You're paying all of the mortgage and he's going to walk away with 50% of the house if you don't get your arse in gear.

category12 · 04/11/2024 17:01

Crikey, send him back to his flat.

He absolutely is trying to isolate you. And he should be encouraging your kids to have a good social life - it's incredibly selfish of him to impact this side of their lives: learning social skills and building up connections is so important.

He's no good.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 04/11/2024 17:20

loropianalover · 04/11/2024 16:36

This sounds horrible OP. Is he embarrassed of himself/self loathing deep down and doesn’t want to see anyone?

Don’t isolate yourself or give up a nice childcare arrangement. You never know what help/favour you’ll need from people in the future, it’s not good to be alone. Your DC’s deserve a regular childhood having friends over.

I’d send him back to his flat and let him be alone there.

Thanks all - this is at the heart of why he doesn't want my family around I think - I think deep down he is embarrassed, but he won't admit it - he's very deep into his gamblers anonymous but the situation with the children is wrong.

It really seems to annoy him that I have (had to) put other childcare arrangements in place. I've tried to explain that is what people do - I work full time - I help others and it's vice versa. He says that I am 'using' people because it suits me (it's one night a week and a few football drop offs). But I never, ever do things without giving help back - it's all 50/50.

Thanks all - I thought maybe I should be more accommodating, but I know in my heart it's wrong x

OP posts:
User37482 · 04/11/2024 17:26

He has a flat tell him to go back to it. You are paying all the bills, it’s your house. He sounds like he’s trying to make you feel shit about something because he knows he’s shit. Don’t let him drag you down.

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/11/2024 17:32

lurker1000 · 04/11/2024 16:28

OK, so I am trying to be reasonable here but I am really annoyed. Me and DH have been having rough few years - I've posted before - he's a gambling addict, moved out a year ago, two years off a bet. He's been back living with us on and off - but we aren't fully back together (we are in the sense there is no one else, but I am here paying all the bills etc) whilst he is still paying for a flat - which is his standby I think.

That's not the issue - he's started the last few weeks - having a real issue when the kids have friends over. I look after one of my DC's friends after school one night a week and the favour is reciprocated on a Friday (I'm at work). He said he doesn't want this to happen every week as he is working at home (I calmly pointed out he has an office to go to and a flat as it happens). He doesn't like family or friends coming over. It was a birthday party for my sister at the weekend and he wouldn't go and I went alone with the kids (to be fair, my family are completely done after how he treated me with the gambling and moving out) but I don't think we can ever actually move forward.

I feel like he wants to isolate me (he says this is absolutely not the case) and is happy if our life doesn't involve other people. He only really speaks to his Gambling Anonymous friends now. I know that my nuclear family are the priority but I don't want my kids to grow up without their extended family and friends around them too. I don't invite people over regularly, but every now and again would be nice. The kids are different and I don't think having a school friend for a couple of hours is a big deal (even if it is every week). I'm trying hard not to blow my cool and point out that I am paying the mortgage etc and he has no right to tell me who can and can't come to the house. I just want things to be resolved but it's his way or no way.

Is this just me??

I don’t see what you are with him ! Why?

He selfish and miserable and sounds more hassle than he’s worth .

End it and relax with your kids in their own home .
I agree about the isolating

Topseyt123 · 04/11/2024 17:33

Send him back to his flat and this time do NOT have him back again. He should not be trying to dictate what you and the children do in your own home. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that he shouldn't even be there.

Is the house yours alone, or jointly owned? Either way, it might end up considered a marital asset and split 50/50 if you aren't careful. You are paying the mortgage on your own, but he could still end up with quite a claim on it and it may well have to be sold.

Get a good solicitor and file for divorce properly.

mindutopia · 04/11/2024 17:46

He sounds like a ‘dry drunk’, someone who is bare knuckling it through recovery without finding any joy or growth. I say this as someone in recovery (from alcohol, not gambling, but it’s samey). When I got sober, I loved having dc’s friends around finally. Because I could be present. I wasn’t twitchy. I could actually enjoy them. And I knew they’d had a shit few years frankly and deserved to have some fun and lightness.

Either this is just who he is a grumpy, controlling miser whether he’s gambling or not, or he’s not doing what he needs to do in his recovery to get out of the just surviving the day miserably phase. Regardless, that’s his issue and not yours. As long as you aren’t expecting him to cook and clean and do the entertaining for guests, you get to have people over (within reason). He can always go out, do something he enjoys, work from his flat/office/cafe, go to the gym, go to a meeting, see a friend for coffee, etc.

Tooty78 · 04/11/2024 18:15

My detested fil didn't let any of his four children have friends, and discouraged them from playing with other kids.
He once caught my DH sledging on a sledge DH had built himself,he took it off him and threw it over a hedge in front of the other kids and then marched him home.
(One of the other kids retrieved the sledge,painted it a different colour and kept it at their house, so DH could use it !!!!)

Consequently, all of his children never really had friends all their lives,and found it difficult to make friends. They are now 75,70,65 and 60, so sad.

Please don't let this happen to your children.

Ambienteamber · 04/11/2024 18:25

Omg send him back to his flat. This is next level controlling. It's not good for your children. He's got his own office and an entire other flat, why on earth does he need to dictate who is in your house!!

I'm a very introverted person and I hate my kids having friends over but even I still put up with it because I know it's their home too abd their social lives are important.
And in your case theirs the added factor of you returning a favour for someone who dies childcare for you so you can work.
Why are you with this miserable controlling man? What's the point? He's let you down repeatedly and now he's trying to tell you who you can see and who you can have in a home that you are solely paying for..
You know the answer.
Not only do you tell him you won't be dictated to but you tell him to go abd live in his flat because that's the end of this relationship.
You deserve better. Your children deserve better..
Literally anyone alive deserves better than this tbh
Where's your anger? I'd be fkn livid. The absolute audacity.

MuggleMe · 04/11/2024 18:26

Coercive control is illegal. Domestic violence isn't just being shouted at or hit. He doesn't get to dictate how you live your life.

Opentooffers · 04/11/2024 18:29

Tell him that as he doesn't pay for the house, he gets no say at all in what goes on in the house. Seems only fair.

Dragger · 04/11/2024 18:46

Cant blame him for not wanting other kids in the house.

ChaToilLeam · 04/11/2024 18:48

He sounds an absolute misery. Boot him out!

AmandaHoldensLips · 04/11/2024 18:55

Who made him the king of everyone? Don't lose yourself in his dysfunction and don't give up your arrangements.

Addicts are a nightmare to live with and it never ends.

Maybe it's time for him to go back to his flat. He's certainly not adding anything good to the family dynamic in your house.

TheShellBeach · 04/11/2024 18:59

What? It's normal for children to socialise with their friends.

Coconutter24 · 04/11/2024 19:00

I'm trying hard not to blow my cool and point out that I am paying the mortgage etc and he has no right to tell me who can and can't come to the house. I just want things to be resolved but it's his way or no way.

Why not point that out? It’s only his way or no way if you allow it, tell him you pay the mortgage and bills and if you want someone round you will. He can go out if he doesn’t want to be around people. The fact he said he’s happy if your lives didn’t involve other people is him trying to isolate you despite him saying he isn’t trying to do that.

Aimtodobetter · 04/11/2024 19:04

His values seem super weird - it’s pretty clear that adults and children all benefit a lot from socialising and as long as it’s not crazy and out of control (drunk nights etc) the idea that your nuclear family are the only people in your home ever is super unhealthy. There are studies that show the quality of your friendship networks can be more important than even your family network for your long term mental and physical health so protect both you and your kids ability to invest into that. Being social isolated is genuinely dangerous.

Pallisers · 04/11/2024 19:07

I'm trying hard not to blow my cool and point out that I am paying the mortgage etc and he has no right to tell me who can and can't come to the house. I just want things to be resolved but it's his way or no way.

Why are you trying hard not to say this? For god's sake put yourself and your children first instead of this selfish man. Send him back to his flat and say goodbye.