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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't want children to have friends over

38 replies

lurker1000 · 04/11/2024 16:28

OK, so I am trying to be reasonable here but I am really annoyed. Me and DH have been having rough few years - I've posted before - he's a gambling addict, moved out a year ago, two years off a bet. He's been back living with us on and off - but we aren't fully back together (we are in the sense there is no one else, but I am here paying all the bills etc) whilst he is still paying for a flat - which is his standby I think.

That's not the issue - he's started the last few weeks - having a real issue when the kids have friends over. I look after one of my DC's friends after school one night a week and the favour is reciprocated on a Friday (I'm at work). He said he doesn't want this to happen every week as he is working at home (I calmly pointed out he has an office to go to and a flat as it happens). He doesn't like family or friends coming over. It was a birthday party for my sister at the weekend and he wouldn't go and I went alone with the kids (to be fair, my family are completely done after how he treated me with the gambling and moving out) but I don't think we can ever actually move forward.

I feel like he wants to isolate me (he says this is absolutely not the case) and is happy if our life doesn't involve other people. He only really speaks to his Gambling Anonymous friends now. I know that my nuclear family are the priority but I don't want my kids to grow up without their extended family and friends around them too. I don't invite people over regularly, but every now and again would be nice. The kids are different and I don't think having a school friend for a couple of hours is a big deal (even if it is every week). I'm trying hard not to blow my cool and point out that I am paying the mortgage etc and he has no right to tell me who can and can't come to the house. I just want things to be resolved but it's his way or no way.

Is this just me??

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 04/11/2024 19:11

Say NO!

My df wouldn't allow us to have friends in the house. We ended up isolated from our friends, left out of all sorts of activities, and without a support network when he started to get really nasty.

When each of us left home, we never went back. Is that what you want for your children?

Why have you let this horrible man back into their home?

Bournetilly · 04/11/2024 19:20

He sounds awful. Don't get back with him, he already has a flat so tell him to go back to it. It sounds as though he is going to ruin your lives and it’s not fair on your children either.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 04/11/2024 19:37

Thanks all - I'm not going mad! He was never like this - this has all come about after the years of gambling. It's almost like he has to make out everyone else is bad to make himself feel better.

We are now in this awful situation where he seems to think because he is back in the house and not staying in his flat, that I should somehow be doing as he says, and 'trying harder'.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/11/2024 19:55

Are you codependent in relationships?. It appears so. If you are this is a problem.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.

Have you never sought legal advice re divorce?. Why is he still in your day to day lives?. You have allowed him back in at great emotional cost to you all, you need to rectify your error here by getting him
out of your day to day lives once and for all.

HarkALark · 04/11/2024 20:02

lurker1000 · 04/11/2024 19:37

Thanks all - I'm not going mad! He was never like this - this has all come about after the years of gambling. It's almost like he has to make out everyone else is bad to make himself feel better.

We are now in this awful situation where he seems to think because he is back in the house and not staying in his flat, that I should somehow be doing as he says, and 'trying harder'.

Tell him to get fucked. My ex used to make comments about my "using" people for childcare, it just embarrassed him that I had to rely on others because he was a shit dad.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 04/11/2024 20:11

I think I actually am codependent - years of the gambling - and I guess I always just wanted things to work out. He can be very nice - making dinners, etc, etc (I know stuff he should be doing anyway), but it's almost like he wants to show he is trying so hard but it's all on his terms.

He still wants to call the shots - I've stopped reacting as much and instead repeating things back to him 'so you have a problem with DC's friend being here for a couple of hours?', 'so you don't like my family?', 'so you have a problem if you have to collect kids once a week'? - childish maybe but I'm tired of the big fights.

I actually hate when he says I 'use' people - I am so bloody independent, but there are times I literally can't be in two places at once and I ask for help (and offer in return). But I think he doesn't like that I don't rely on him to be honest - because then he could call the shots.

OP posts:
AffIt · 04/11/2024 20:15

Your ex is still very deeply in the acute recovery phase - 24 months is nothing for an addict - and as such, I don't think any attempt to reconcile is useful or healthy at this stage.

I think you should ask him to move back into his flat permanently for now - you can still co-parent - and reassess in another 12-18 months.

Have you had any dealings with the likes of GamCare, who offer support to the families of gamblers?

EuclidianGeometryFan · 04/11/2024 21:03

lurker1000 · 04/11/2024 20:11

I think I actually am codependent - years of the gambling - and I guess I always just wanted things to work out. He can be very nice - making dinners, etc, etc (I know stuff he should be doing anyway), but it's almost like he wants to show he is trying so hard but it's all on his terms.

He still wants to call the shots - I've stopped reacting as much and instead repeating things back to him 'so you have a problem with DC's friend being here for a couple of hours?', 'so you don't like my family?', 'so you have a problem if you have to collect kids once a week'? - childish maybe but I'm tired of the big fights.

I actually hate when he says I 'use' people - I am so bloody independent, but there are times I literally can't be in two places at once and I ask for help (and offer in return). But I think he doesn't like that I don't rely on him to be honest - because then he could call the shots.

I actually hate when he says I 'use' people - I am so bloody independent

He says this precisely because he knows you hate it - he knows which button to push to hurt you.

I just don't understand you. I cannot fathom why you have this man in your house, when he has a flat to go and live in.
Why haven't you divorced him already? It is incomprehensible to me.

As another poster just said, all the time you are paying a mortgage and accumulating equity, he has the right to 50% of everything up until the divorce. (50/50 is the court's starting point). He could force you to sell up, depending on how much equity you each have and what his flat is worth.
So by letting it drag on you are risking your children's future security.

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/11/2024 16:37

lurker1000 · 04/11/2024 20:11

I think I actually am codependent - years of the gambling - and I guess I always just wanted things to work out. He can be very nice - making dinners, etc, etc (I know stuff he should be doing anyway), but it's almost like he wants to show he is trying so hard but it's all on his terms.

He still wants to call the shots - I've stopped reacting as much and instead repeating things back to him 'so you have a problem with DC's friend being here for a couple of hours?', 'so you don't like my family?', 'so you have a problem if you have to collect kids once a week'? - childish maybe but I'm tired of the big fights.

I actually hate when he says I 'use' people - I am so bloody independent, but there are times I literally can't be in two places at once and I ask for help (and offer in return). But I think he doesn't like that I don't rely on him to be honest - because then he could call the shots.

My ex use to say I “used people” this was because he couldn’t stand me having friends or support . They want you isolated for two reasons .1. They can get away with the behaviour if you are stuck with no one . 2. If you have people around you who care they will help you see the guy is bad news.
Narcassist don’t like their real colours shown . They need everyone to see them as the good guy and you as the Bad one or the crazy one.

This man is bad news OP send him back to his flat and be done .
sooner there is distance the sooner your head will clear. .
Do Counseling or read the book”why does he do that “

work on you and keeping him out

CheekyHobson · 05/11/2024 16:52

You’re paying the mortgage etc, are doing the vast majority of the work managing the household and are expected to work harder to fix the marriage he broke, while he keeps himself a nice little bolthole to escape to… and you’re the one being criticized for using people?

Honestly just don’t bother with his user. Tell him to pack up his problems and projections and piss off.

violentovulation · 05/11/2024 16:54

You need to divorce that tosser.

Hatty65 · 05/11/2024 16:56

I read your other threads and thought you should just chuck this tosser back.

This update changes nothing. Honestly - get rid of him. You and the kids will be much happier. He brings fuck all to the situation.

HomeTheatreSystem · 05/11/2024 17:00

Bin him off OP. There's nothing worthwhile to be salvaged here.

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