No sex in relationship but noone to talk to about it as embarrassed

[ANON36x]

Hi everyone,

I literally have noone who I can talk to about my situation 😪😪 so I'm just really wanting to vent somewhere and if anyone has any advice for me i do appreciate. I am too embarassed to talk to anyone closer to me and I'm autistic so have one friend but she's always busy so I feel so alone atm with noone to speak about this with

I am engaged to be married to someone who I class as my soul mate and my best friend and i really am in love with him. We have 3 kids together and his fantastic with them. We have a great relationship, laugh a lot etc but our sex life has always been a concern. We used to be intimate but it's always been a strain as my partner never seems to initiate this and on the rare times he has its always been spoons and thats it, no touching or anything else and it wouldnt be everyday it would be maybe once a week. Now I know people will wonder how we have 3 children together. I fell pregnant very easy with the 3 of them and 2 are a set of 1 year old twins. The other is our 2 year old son. People around us think we are very sexually active due to this but it's simply not the truth. I just conceived them very quickly. When I was pregnant he went off sex with my completely which I understood.

Its been a year since i had our twins and Right now we aren't intimate at all and I'm not just talking sex. I'm talking any sort of romance when we are in bed. He won't kiss me, hug me or touch me at all. He will sometimes hold my hand when we wake up in the morning but I sense his doing this out of guilt as I've told him how I feel. He always tells me he loves me and he will kiss me on the lips or pull me for a hug in the daytime but not in bed. He sleeps on top of the covers and he will wears pyjamas basically making me feel so cut off from him. He told me his ex used to expect sex every night and so he used to feel forced into sex with her (he did obviously consent) so it isn't that sort of a situation but him saying that makes me not want to even try to iniate things myself as I am just thinking I'm being forceful and I don't want to be that way where he doesn't actually want it but is doing it just to make me happy. I also don't want him comparing me to his exs. He was married and she left him for another man and his other ex she used to party all night but tbh I'm now thinking was it the lack of sex that caused them to do this? He seems to think I will do the same but I won't. He has even asked me to go find another man.

Now here's where it gets complicated....he has opened up to me about past sexual abuse and obviously I have been very understanding of this and I've been there for him but I really love this man and I really want a physical relationship with him. I'm so attracted to him and find it hard not to be loving and affectionate as its who I am but when I do hug him in bed I get nothing back and it was upsetting me more so I have stopped. Atm I feel we are just close friends who share a bed at night and this really hurts me and upsets me. I've asked is it me and is it because he isn't interested in me or attracted to me but he says no. He says he has no answers as he doesn't know but it just leaves me more confused. I just know I can't cope with how things are right now. His snapped at me sometimes when i bring it up and told me I'm being selfish. Am I being selfish? I really don't know
I have been patient with him but I'm starting to feel resentful Now that we don't have a intimate relationship but I don't want to lose him either. I spoke to his brother as we are close and he said to speak to him but I've spoke with him multiple times and nothing changes.. he does.acknowledge my feelings and he says I'm right but he also doesn't change anything. We are awaiting test results on Testorone levels and he does not have ED but he has told drs he has so dr prescribed viagra. However this hasn't worked as he has not initiated anything with me or even tried.

Sorry for the details I Just need someone to talk to.

Thanks in advance.

He's not going to change. It sounds like he's had a very difficult past when it comes to sex. Be it from being sexually assaulted, or previously having sexual expectations put on him.
You either accept it, accept him or split up. If he wanted to act on to resolve it, he would. Maybe he feels he can't or maybe he doesn't want to. He's made his choice, make yours.

Has he had any counselling OP? That’s the first thing that came to mind that could help. It sounds to me like he’s had a difficult relationship with sex in the past, sexual abuse and then feeling forced into sex by ex’s, it may be that there are mental blocks there that he needs help to work past, but of course he would have to want to do this himself and actively take steps to do so, maybe he isn’t ready to or doesn’t want to do that.

Thanks for your reply. It's only what I've been thinking myself. The sex is not the only worry its mainly the fact he doesn't want to hug or kiss me in bed. It seems I have a decision to make 😪

He hasn't had counselling. I've asked him and his not willing to go. 😪😪 thanks for replying

He has even asked me to go find another man.

He's not interested in any intimacy for whatever reason. Your options are to open the relationship, accept lack of intimacy or leave.

I'm not sure I can as I'm only just turned 37 years old. If I was older I wouldn't need this so much but I do love him but I will suggest staying friends possibly so I don't lose him altogether.

@ANON36x so sorry to hear you are struggling with this. Completely understand how you feel. You are definitely not the issue here, and i really feel for you as you are completely trying to do the right thing. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like he is ready in himself to start to tackle his issues. I think you either have to move on from him or find the other man he has offered you.
Whatever step forward I wish you the best of luck and feel so sorry for you. Can hear the pain you are feeling inside from the words of your post.

OP no one would blame you for wanting intimacy. As you say it's not just sex, it's the closeness you want to feel from your partner.

Thank you
I am really hurt as I love him so much and don't want to lose him. I feel I already have though as we are pretty much just friends. 😪 I do feel selfish but I just feel my resentment will get worse the more time goes on without anything. It's not just about sex its because I don't even get any signs he is attracted to me or loves me when we are in bed together. I've seen him treat family members same way as me in the day so it's no different really x

@ANON36x As you say, the sex isn't the biggest issue, it's the feelings of being wanted, desired, cared for and loved that touch and other small intimacies bring that leaves your heart and soul feeling empty when the person you love so much cannot bring them to you. Don't let the resentment build, find your way forward and please be happy. Here if you need to talk /reach out.

Thanks the only thing is we have very young children so it's going to be hard as I have twins and a toddler with him. I would struggle without him. 😪

Could you sleep separately and have cuddle sessions during the day? If he's been sexually abused at night or in a bed, and reading between the lines that's what I'm suspecting, then this would let you both sleep well without any pressure on him to touch you in bed and would give you time to have intimacy in other places, like the sofa.

When is the wedding, OP? Are there good, practical reasons to marry, e.g. the house is in his name? If you don't need to get married from a practical standpoint, it might be a good idea to press pause on the wedding plans, don't pay any non-refundable deposits, and think hard about whether this is what you want the rest of your life to look like. 37 is very young to resign yourself to a sexless marriage.

I think if you can possibly get away without the children overnight that and really talk to your DP some more that would help immensely.

Maybe have a glass of wine first.

Some moments or even a few days of embarrassment are worth experiencing if they lead to greater clarity. ATM you are in the dark, confused and unhappy.

And tbh you are totally justified in exploring this issue when you are about to be married. In fact you can use your forthcoming marriage as an excuse to open up the dialogue. Say that if you marry someone, you want to have a reciprocal, respectful physical relationship with them and if it's not possible to even speak about such matters then you don't want to go ahead with getting married because this is a deal-breaker for you. Obviously you have to be very sure that it really is a deal-breaker for you and be prepared to split up over the issue.

Don't put up with being called selfish op. You are not being selfish at all. You are setting a standard and a boundary for yourself and it's a very normal thing to want a healthy sex life. It was terrible that your DP suffered sexual abuse that has caused such damage to him, but is it fair that you suffer from that legacy for the rest of your married life?

You are within your rights to ask for more clarity. You deserve some honesty before becoming his wife fhs! But keep the questions factual and unemotional in tone:

First of all, is it a physical issue or not?
If it's physical, can it be treated? If so, would he want that?
Is the sexual abuse at the root of his ED?
If so, is he prepared to undergo therapy and use medication to treat this or not?
What would he like ideally? If there was no pressure either way?
Is a regular physical relationship important to him or not?
Would he prefer living as friends without the question of sex cropping up?
If so, is that because of embarrassment about his ED, or because of his past, or because he is just no longer interested?
Does he feel that you deserve a healthy sex life or not?
What are his greatest fears surrounding this issue?
How does he see your married life developing?

Make sure that these questions are asked calmly, without any impatience or hurt evident, and make sure he understands how much you love him.

I think it's worth a shot tbh. And if you really can't even talk about the issue, openly, never mind resolve it, that doesn't bode well tbh. Good luck.

Unrelated but this guy 😪 is supposed to be a sleeping emoji, which is why it’s next to the yawning/snoring ones. The droplet is coming from its nose like those old cartoons. Don’t think they thought it through very well though as a lot of people seem to think it’s a tear.

Anyway, there’s not a lot of info to go on but it sounds like this is just how it is for him and he’s not interested in changing or seeing anyone about it. Which is fine, but it means that you have some difficult decisions to make about whether or not you can live like this. The sleeping on top of the covers seems particularly odd to me.

He always say it's because he doesn't sleep with covers on but I don't believe this.

The wedding is next year and it's booked. 😢

Everything booked can be cancelled. A wedding being booked isn’t an excuse to go through with a marriage when you’re already now thinking about splitting. One of my best friends cancelled her wedding 3 weeks before the date, she realised it wasn’t right and is so happy she did it while she could!

I don’t really know what to suggest but you need to be happy too. You’re not being selfish either. Does he know how you feel? Is he possibly wary of you getting pregnant again?

I wouldn’t be going ahead with the wedding with things they way they are and I would be pushing him to get some help regarding the abuse he suffered.

Sneezing emoji, I thought?

If he's not willing to address the trauma he's experienced through counselling, would he consider other types of therapy such as EMDR?

I don't really know where it leaves you if he won't look at therapy. If he no longer wants a sexual relationship or to try to renew it, that's up to him.

But it's not reasonable to expect you to sacrifice that part of your life. So it would look like staying and agreeing to open up the relationship, I suppose, or leaving.

I don't think you should marry unless you can resolve this - you have half your life ahead of you.

Thanks for replying. Nope as I've been sterilised now x

1. Counselling

1. Try to kiss him goodnight and hug or ask him to ... don't pressure him for sex though (he associates a hug and kiss with sex in bed currently so avoids it.

In all seriousness is he gay ? No sex , sleeping over the cover in full pajamas ..: asking you to find another man !! He is either gay or staying in the relationship for the kids OP and either way you deserve better

The man was SA I think that is enough to explain his issues.