Hi everyone,
I literally have noone who I can talk to about my situation 😪😪 so I'm just really wanting to vent somewhere and if anyone has any advice for me i do appreciate. I am too embarassed to talk to anyone closer to me and I'm autistic so have one friend but she's always busy so I feel so alone atm with noone to speak about this with
I am engaged to be married to someone who I class as my soul mate and my best friend and i really am in love with him. We have 3 kids together and his fantastic with them. We have a great relationship, laugh a lot etc but our sex life has always been a concern. We used to be intimate but it's always been a strain as my partner never seems to initiate this and on the rare times he has its always been spoons and thats it, no touching or anything else and it wouldnt be everyday it would be maybe once a week. Now I know people will wonder how we have 3 children together. I fell pregnant very easy with the 3 of them and 2 are a set of 1 year old twins. The other is our 2 year old son. People around us think we are very sexually active due to this but it's simply not the truth. I just conceived them very quickly. When I was pregnant he went off sex with my completely which I understood.
Its been a year since i had our twins and Right now we aren't intimate at all and I'm not just talking sex. I'm talking any sort of romance when we are in bed. He won't kiss me, hug me or touch me at all. He will sometimes hold my hand when we wake up in the morning but I sense his doing this out of guilt as I've told him how I feel. He always tells me he loves me and he will kiss me on the lips or pull me for a hug in the daytime but not in bed. He sleeps on top of the covers and he will wears pyjamas basically making me feel so cut off from him. He told me his ex used to expect sex every night and so he used to feel forced into sex with her (he did obviously consent) so it isn't that sort of a situation but him saying that makes me not want to even try to iniate things myself as I am just thinking I'm being forceful and I don't want to be that way where he doesn't actually want it but is doing it just to make me happy. I also don't want him comparing me to his exs. He was married and she left him for another man and his other ex she used to party all night but tbh I'm now thinking was it the lack of sex that caused them to do this? He seems to think I will do the same but I won't. He has even asked me to go find another man.
Now here's where it gets complicated....he has opened up to me about past sexual abuse and obviously I have been very understanding of this and I've been there for him but I really love this man and I really want a physical relationship with him. I'm so attracted to him and find it hard not to be loving and affectionate as its who I am but when I do hug him in bed I get nothing back and it was upsetting me more so I have stopped. Atm I feel we are just close friends who share a bed at night and this really hurts me and upsets me. I've asked is it me and is it because he isn't interested in me or attracted to me but he says no. He says he has no answers as he doesn't know but it just leaves me more confused. I just know I can't cope with how things are right now. His snapped at me sometimes when i bring it up and told me I'm being selfish. Am I being selfish? I really don't know
I have been patient with him but I'm starting to feel resentful Now that we don't have a intimate relationship but I don't want to lose him either. I spoke to his brother as we are close and he said to speak to him but I've spoke with him multiple times and nothing changes.. he does.acknowledge my feelings and he says I'm right but he also doesn't change anything. We are awaiting test results on Testorone levels and he does not have ED but he has told drs he has so dr prescribed viagra. However this hasn't worked as he has not initiated anything with me or even tried.
Sorry for the details I Just need someone to talk to.
Thanks in advance.