Struggling with a friend's lack of support

[you4me]

I'm struggling with a lack of support from my friend at the moment . I've heard nothing from her since my husband went into hospital for an operation . I don't expect her to do anything for us but I would have thought she could have phoned to ask how he was and to chat . In the past I have been there for her throughout multiple crises and reached out when she and her husband have been ill with moral support as well as helping her fill in forms when they needed to claim pip. I feel let down and disappointed and feeling that maybe this friendship is just a one way street .

Sorry your husband has been ill. Does your friend maybe think you two need your privacy at the moment? Or have there been other times when you feel a bit let down.
If you are close, why not message her, and tell her you need a hand hold right now. See how that goes?

A text asking how my husband is would have been nice . I don't expect help or favours but some moral support would be nice

IMO, the way you supported her when she needed help was the model for how she should have contacted you, so even if she is someone who struggles to be graceful that should have given her a clue. Offering no contact for someone who has given a lot of support is one sided, and I'm not surprised you feel hurt.

Sorry to hear about your husband OP.

It’s a life lesson that people can act strangely during tough times, even if you’ve done a lot for them in the past. They might think you’d prefer privacy, they might think they’ll say the wrong thing, and sometimes they just really unfortunately don’t care that much.

You can of course reach out to her but I understand sometimes you just need someone to step up and show you they care without having to ask. I’d be really disappointed.

Have you told her you’d like to talk, though? Is your DH seriously ill? Some people assume others prefer to be left alone to get on with stressful situations , and don’t like the idea of causing extra stress by asking for updates etc..

She may not have wanted to intrude.

There are some friendships where the dynamic is person A supporting person B with little flexibility for it to be turned around. I've experienced this with a good friend who when I experienced something negative she just couldn't manage to be supportive. I thought it was a one off but over time realised that the friendship only worked when it could be tailored to that person's needs.

This may be the situation with your friend but maybe something has happened in her life that has made her forget to check in with you.

Just a simple text saying hope the operation was a success , hope you are ok , I'm here if you want to talk would have been suffice . It's just good manners and common courtesy.

If you are close, why not message her, and tell her you need a hand hold right now. See how that goes?

This. People's brains work in different ways. If she's a good friend otherwise, I wouldn't get steamed up waiting for her to get in touch. You've got enough on your plate with DH worry without focusing on this too much. If you want her support, get in touch with her. If she then fails to come through, that's worse.

She’s not a mind reader. Why don’t you just text her and say, “husbands operation was a scary time. I was so stressed about it.” Or something similar. You mentioned she has claimed pip. So she must be disabled. Maybe she’s got a lot to deal with herself due to her disability. Maybe she’s also struggling? I understand your disappointment but if you don’t communicate your needs, how can she meet them? Also, could it be that you’re taking out your negative emotions around your husbands health issues on your friend? Misdirected anger often covers up sadness and trauma.

She's working. It was her husband that claimed the pip . I don't see why I should have to reach out . It's should be the other way round. What's a simple text ? Asking if everything went ok from her end ?

You think it is. Other people might well experience it as an unwanted interruption and distraction. Tell your friend you’d like to talk.

You should expect help and favours as well as moral support from someone you’re meant to be close to who you’ve helped in the past.

When my DH was very ill and in hospital off and on for months I was amazed at which of our friends showed up and which didn’t. I eventually said how hurt I was to one friend I’ve known decades and love to bits. He messaged me something random and stupid and I replied saying how upset I was at how absent he’d been, how this was the time I needed support and asked where the fuck he had been. He apologised profusely, said he knew he’d been crap but didn’t know how to help and was then very supportive and his usual great self. Others I just thought much less of tbh. And I got support from the most unexpected places which balanced it out, one friend in particular was bloody wonderful and it made us much closer as I’d been there for her for years and she seemed to feel glad to get a chance to reciprocate.

I hope your husband is being looked after well and gets better and is back home with you soon 💐💐💐

I don't see why I should have to reach out . It's should be the other way round.

If everyone was like you then it would be that way but as I say, people are different so holding them all up to 'should' and getting angry about them falling short is only going to get your angry and disappointed. As PP says, it may be that this is a way to channel your worry about DH. It depends whether you want her support, in which case you'd contact her and see if she steps up then or not, or if this was a test she's already failed and you want to reassess the friendship.

Ok so maybe her husband isn’t doing too well then? With a disabled husband she might have a lot on her plate.

Again, if you don’t communicate your needs, others can’t meet them. There’s no point getting all indignant about having to send a text.

I think your anger is an expression of your stress at your husband’s ill health and you are directing it towards your friend.

If you want communication then you have to communicate. If you want your needs met, then you have to express them.

Not everyone is the same or thinks the same. Not everyone would do what you would do. You’ll feel a lot better in life if you don’t expect others to act in the same way you would. That’s a recipe for being aggrieved when they don’t act in accordance with your standards and expectations. It’s doesn’t make them a bad person, it means they don’t act the same as you do. As pp have said, maybe she doesn’t want to bother you or isn’t sure what to say for fear of upsetting you.

Now, if you ask for support and she lets you down after knowing you need her, then you have a real problem and you’ll have to decide if you want to continue the relationship.

These excuses are crap. When someone’s loved one is in hospital having surgery it’s so incredibly basic to send a message to check in on that person. If they don’t want to reply they don’t have to but it’s the least you can do.

How serious is the surgery? I think this may impact whether she feels she should get in touch.

@TipsyJoker

She's been posting on Facebook . Why can't she just text three simple words . How. Are. You . It takes seconds . I've his lots on my plate too but always found 30 seconds to check in with a text .

She's not just a casual friend . We've been friends for over 40 years !

Depends on the op. If it's a routine minor op, like wisdom tooth out, or a small cyst removing, I'm not sure I would actually reach out to a friend. If major op, then obviously i would.

And after 40 years, you're now thinking it's a one-way street?? So is this more of a 'final straw' situation, rather than her just not texting in this instance? Because if it's the latter, then as several have said - course to some of us it's obvious to text 'how are you?' but there's also many people who don't think that way but are still good friends. But if she's been a taker for 40 years then sure bin her off, but it's odd that you've got expectations of what she should do if she's not like that. Sounds more like you're wanting this one thing from her that she's failed to do and it's become the focus of your upset.

And if that is the case, then with a 40-year-old friendship, I'd have no qualms in messaging her to say 'I'm upset that you haven't asked me about DH's op.' or similar, if you want to vent your feelings. Or just 'DH is in hospital and I'm struggling. Can we talk?'. If you don't want to do that, that's fine but it sounds like you're only going to get more upset letting it all build up and raging inside.

I've decided I'm not going to be there for the next crisis she has. She has other people in her life , they can step up and fill out her forms . Lesson learned. In fact I'm going to let the friendship drift . I can't change other people only my reaction . I don't feel rage just a deep sadness .

It's a major operation not a minor procedure

Hope the op went well/goes well.