Need help…I want to leave my husband but we have a newborn

[Dea53]

Did anyone leave their husband while having a newborn? Our DC is 8 weeks old and as much as I wanted to work things out with my husband, I just can’t. Long story short, he became controlling in pregnancy and things went from bad to worse after DC was born. Constant criticism, everything has to go his way, I’m not allowed opinions, shouting etc. I can’t bring my child up in this environment.

What makes things tricky is:
-He is a loving dad and bonded very well with the baby. I don’t want to take DCs father away from them.
-I don’t trust his parenting skills. There were dangerous situations eg unsafe cosleeping on the sofa with DC ending up under a blanket, or DC in an unsafe position in a sling that obstructed his breathing. Husband didn’t take my comments on board and I don’t know how I can keep DC safe if he has unsupervised time with husband, which he would if we separate.
-I don’t have family in this country and I’m not sure how I could cope all on my own.

I feel stuck and don’t know what to do. Do I just need to sit it out until DC is a bit older?

I personally wouldn’t leave (if you are safe) if it would mean him looking after the baby solo if you don’t think baby would be safe.

Can you move country to be with your family?

Not so, babies stay with mum until they are old enough, so co parenting would not involve him being alone with baby if op didn't want that.

Are you BF? It’s unlikely he would be granted unsupervised access for any period of time for many months to come if you are.

But wouldn’t he at least be allowed to take baby out for an afternoon on his own? Unfortunately I can’t EBF so baby is combi-fed.

And OP probably is not safe. She probably wouldn’t be contemplating leaving with an 8 week old if he was just been short with her. She said he is controlling and getting worse. It’s a classic time to become domestically abusive, and OP is probably well aware his behaviour will continue to escalate.

Combi-feeding unfortunately, due to a medical condition that results in insufficient milk supply. Dc gets most of his nutrition from formula.

I think I’m not at risk of physical abuse, but mentally it’s getting to me. I secretly cry in bed every night because of how he talks to me.

Can you arrange to go and visit your family just to have a break from him and some TLC or a family member come and stay?

Other posters will hopefully be able to give you more accurate information on what access he would likely get, but it would take a while to sort out through lawyers and courts if necessary in any case. You could string it out, while making clear your concerns about his ability to parent safely.

Do you have somewhere in mind you could go? What is your housing situation currently? Are you getting decent maternity pay? Do you have access to money?

Id also do this.

Are there any charities like Women’s Aid in your country?

We live in a flat I own (he moved in after we got together) but since we’re married he’d have some claim. But I think he might just go if I ask him to and not claim anything, out of pride. I have savings and a good job to return to, I’d be ok financially.

I’d love to do that but I don’t want to stop contact between him and DC completely, or escalate things. Although I can’t condone his bad judgement when it comes to safety, he really loves this baby and has built a strong bond with DC already,

Good to read that you are in a sound position financially.

He is being abusive and that is good enough reason to leave him. You and your baby will be absolutely fine. You don’t need to me miserable living with an abusive man for your baby’s sake.

See a family law solicitor asap to get some advice on where you’d stand on the flat, on access and so on.

No dad who abuses the mother of their child is a loving dad. The two things are completely incompatible. A random bloke in the street would probably act loving and caring toward your baby, because it’s what we’re programmed to do as a species. Abusing you is an act of hatred toward your child.

Can you call Woman’s aid? They will help you.

Could you try marriage counselling before splitting up the family? Baby is only 8 weeks old so your hormones are probably still all over the place and it is early days for you both. I think after having a baby was the most stressful time of our marriage. It was such a change and I felt I hated my husband at times. I wouldn’t give up on things so quickly.

Are you kidding? Op should accept abuse because she is hornonal? Who hurt you this badly?

Exactly this. If he was a loving father, you wouldn't be wanting to leave when your baby is so young.

I suggested counselling but he refuses…he says that I’m the one trying to make problems by saying that we have a crisis and that everything would be fine if I can just stop going against him and picking fights. But that pretty much means that I’m not allowed an opinion on anything, or to do anything he doesn’t approve of, even down to what I can eat, how I breastfeed etc.

I think you should leave anyway, as there is a big risk that he'll wear you down.

Thats exactly what's he wants. He is an abusive man who wont even put his child first.

Couples counselling is never recommended when there is abuse.

Please don’t use emotive language like ‘splitting up the family’, this makes it sound like OP is in the wrong and needs to put up and shut up. It’s victim blaming.

You are being abused. That is clear. I suggest you speak to a solicitor asap and take action to protect you and your child. It will not get better.

If you think he would leave due to pride, you might as well try and nudge him out. The sooner you end the marriage, the less claim he has to your house if it's a short marriage. Does he have any of his own savings or equity? The less he has, the more you could end up splitting with him.
Get solicitor advice to start with. If you push back on all his demands, maybe it could make the atmosphere so intolerable for him that if you suggested he leave, he might actually agree. See a solicitor beforehand though.