Need help…I want to leave my husband but we have a newborn

[Dea53]

Did anyone leave their husband while having a newborn? Our DC is 8 weeks old and as much as I wanted to work things out with my husband, I just can’t. Long story short, he became controlling in pregnancy and things went from bad to worse after DC was born. Constant criticism, everything has to go his way, I’m not allowed opinions, shouting etc. I can’t bring my child up in this environment.

What makes things tricky is:
-He is a loving dad and bonded very well with the baby. I don’t want to take DCs father away from them.
-I don’t trust his parenting skills. There were dangerous situations eg unsafe cosleeping on the sofa with DC ending up under a blanket, or DC in an unsafe position in a sling that obstructed his breathing. Husband didn’t take my comments on board and I don’t know how I can keep DC safe if he has unsupervised time with husband, which he would if we separate.
-I don’t have family in this country and I’m not sure how I could cope all on my own.

I feel stuck and don’t know what to do. Do I just need to sit it out until DC is a bit older?

Has your medical condition been proven to impact your milk supply or is that an assumption you’ve made? If you tell others you’re now exclusively breastfeeding then would they be able to prove that isn’t possible?

I wouldn't bet on him leaving if you ask him to, especially as that would mean leaving his child. I don't think you're unreasonable to want to split if he's unpleasant to live with but you need to get some legal advice before you do or say anything.

In any case, if he has parental responsibility you wouldn't be able to take your child abroad to live without his permission or a court order allowing you to. Without either of these, doing so would be child abduction.

Happy mother happy baby. It can’t be good for a child to be in a situation where it’s father is abusing its mother.

I agree with @marmaladeandpeanutbutter He’s not going to change, not enough to be safe to stay with.

Hi OP how are things? Can I ask what you did here? And have things improved for you? Found this thread as am in a similar situation with a 6 week old and 3 year old. Have almost left him once before but my situation is slightly different because he is the breadwinner and I’m a SAHM. The house we live in we bought whilst together but using his money (no mortgage) so I know he wouldn’t be the one to leave…

I decided to stay for now. I pick my battles carefully - only when it concerns DS’s wellbeing - and otherwise I just try to keep the peace. I’m planning to leave when DS is around 1.5/2 years, or whenever I’m convinced that he will be safe and well looked after when with his dad. Sorry that you’re in a similar situation…are there any steps you can take to put yourself in a better position to leave when the time is right?

He wont ever be safe or looked after properly with his dad. He doesnt let you have an opinion on anything, wont let you pick what you want to eat..... how do you think hes going to get on with a toddler who wants everything their own way?

If he controls you now I can absolutely gaurentee that he will slowly but surely use your child to control you. His weekend to have the toddler? Yeah, hes gonna cancel last minute or tell you hes not coming. Planning on a 4pm drop off? Well hes coming at 2

And please dont think he wont be adverse to slowly alienating your child against you too

Anyone who abuses the mother of their child isnt safe to be around said child. Who do you think hes going to abuse if your not there as his verbal punch bag?

I’d love to do that but I don’t want to stop contact between him and DC completely, or escalate things. Although I can’t condone his bad judgement when it comes to safety, he really loves this baby

Youre looking at this all wrong. You should actively prevent contact. I’d get a non mol on him and keep him away.

If he is that bothered about his child he would not have abused you as his child’s mother. He merely sees you and your child as possessions for him to use and mistreat as he sees fit. Your marriage to him is over.

I would urge you to start planning to leave sooner rather than later. Do not wait until your child is 18 months to 2 years of age. It will do your son no favours for he to have with his abusive father. This man will also use that as a further way of punishing you for leaving him. I would also look into obtaining a non molestation order.

Trying to keep the peace with an abusive man is a futile task and a waste of time and effort. Use those energies instead on planning your exit from this abusive marriage with due care and attention. Make no mistake either op, you were targeted by him to abuse and it’s not your fault he’s also decided to embark on his own private based war with you. He will want to destroy you for the rest of his days because these types hate women, all of them.

Did you end up leaving ?

Hi op I’m so sorry that this is happening, my child’s father was the same , luckily he stormed out and left me just before baby was born so I could do postpartum with my family at their house and he just visited.

what friends have you got? Please tell them, or go to a family hub or children’s centre and tell them or call the health visitor and tell her. They will advise you. It’s not good for baby to have a mum being plunged into post Partum depression due to how she is being treated.

if you want to leave him do not tell him until you have a safe plan in place and all the admin sorted.

Don’t feel guilty about taking baby away from this awful person. He will still have many years ahead to be a dad. You worry about doing things on your own but it sounds like you already are - you will manage. Can you tell your family what is happening so your mum can fly over to help you and protect you while you still live with him?

follow legally nik on instagram and try and book in with an affordable consultation with her - she will help you make a plan. She is a lawyer.
For baby’s first year it can be little and often visits with dad and what worked well for me was doing these at children’s centre /family hub stay and plays so that dad had staff around to help (and he was actually shameless about asking for help they used to help him do nappies even)
good luck op.

Ps he sounds like a narcissist the book ‘it’s not you’ might be a good one to get on audible

I think you should start logging the control and emotional abuse with the police. Then when you feel ready to leave, there will be a record of escalation. They will take that into account tr access to the baby. But if it escalates any further you should live immediately. You and baby could be in real danger, which is worse than the hypothetical risks of H having baby unsupervised.

Im really sorry you’re going through this. As a PP said, could you visit family or invite someone to stay? That would also provide a buffer between you.

Edited as if commented and realised this is an old post.