Financially trapped in a loveless marriage

[satsumasunrise123]

Evening mumsnetters. I have name changed for this post as I know my DH reads mumsnet sometimes. I promise I am a regular.

I am feeling really low this evening and need some advice. I don't really have anyone I can go to IRL as then it makes it real. I keep nearly phoning my mum but I don't want to worry her, and we don't really have that kind of relationship either.

Basically, I am feeling really trapped in my marriage and wondered if anyone else is going through this/has been through it, and can share any advice. If money was no option, I would've left long ago, but as it stands, my DH earns quadruple the amount I do and I simply wouldn't be able to survive on my salary alone. We have 2 DC aged 8 and 11.

There are a number of things making me unhappy, I won't go into all of them but the main things are his behaviour when he is angry or frustrated - he shouts, swears, growls, hits things (objects, never people), and is generally really unpleasant to be around. When I bring this up (that it makes me feel really stressed and unsafe), he simply says he's expressing himself and I am trying to stop him expressing his emotions. He can't see that his behaviour as a 6 ft plus man in a house full of females is in any way threatening, and makes no effort to change this behaviour.

Our marriage is also completely sexless. I instigated it a few weeks ago in pure desperation to reignite something, but nothing since, and before that it had probably been around 2-3 years (I lost count). We sleep separately due to his snoring, which won't change and will stay the same for the rest of our marriage. Nothing works to correct it - in his defence, he has tried every treatment available but nothing works. The thought of possibly spending the next 40-50 years like that makes me really unhappy.

I also feel like he is opting out of parenthood on a regular basis - every sunday recently he goes to London for the day to either watch football/sport and/or see his friends and smoke. I am so sick of it that I don't even say anything any more, but I can guarantee if I did that every weekend he would not be happy. I try to do things with the children but it's exhausting solo parenting. Although, having said that, we are definitely happier when he's not around and I find it easier.

I don't really know why I'm posting as I know deep down I can't do anything but stay, but even just to know I'm not alone would make me feel better. My children would be devastated if we did split up (they've said this to me a few times even though we've never discussed it openly!), and as I mentioned, I am totally financially reliant on him. I earn around £24,000 on a part time wage (no option to go full time), and he earns close to £90k.

We do have moments of happiness but much more like friends or housemates. I do have love left for him, but it is definitely waning. I probably am still in love with him, but that flame is steadily going out with each week that passes.

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for the support that I know you'll give, thank you ❤

With £24,000 plus Child Support coming in you’d be ok. Adjustments would have to be made, yes but it is doable.
Don’t stay for money.

Hey OP. This sounds incredibly hard 💐

First thing I'll say is you absolutely CAN do this, please don't think there's a financial barrier. I'm sure your standard of living would change but plenty of people make it out with far less and claim they should've done it years ago. It may take some swallowing of pride, and you may need support and to look at UC etc, but it's POSSIBLE 💕 (and life with freedom but less money is incredibly more fulfilling than life stuck in an abusive marriage with more money)

Do you have access to joint finances at the moment? X

Thank you x

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes we do have a joint account

Children always say they'd be devastated if their parents spilt. They don't know any different but I've away from the toxic environment things are better for them. They will adapt to your new living situation.

I would speak to a lawyer as you may be eligible for spousal maintenance to even out incomes for a while, especially if your kids are young.

Thanks - can you do that without the other person knowing?

I know you're right - thank you

That's something at least! If you think he'll try and be financially controlling in any way once you break the news to him, make sure you've moved plenty out of the way (I think max half?) so you can access it and he can't track your spending!

Remember chances are you're entitled to half the marital assets ~ possibly more if the reason you're PT is to support kids/his career ~ and that it's not based on who has put what into the pot.

Start crunching numbers so you have an idea of what will be coming and if you'll be able to keep the house you're in ~ realistically you may not be able to keep a house that takes your joint income now, but that's okay! Starting fresh can feel amazing, even if it's in a smaller place. Feel free to put numbers in the thread if you want help/advice, but the big ones seem to be:
Pensions (both of yours!)
House Equity / additional property (if you own)
Savings

Also run your DHs details through the CMS calculator so you have a rough idea of what you'd be entitled to there. You can run different sets of figures so you know all your options depending on what you agree around custody.

Get creative with your ideas - previous MN threads are good for this and worth a scroll if you're ever worrying. The best I've seen on here (again, if you have equity) is if buying a place, buy Part Buy/Part Rent, lob all your cash at the buy part, and then you won't have cash sitting around getting burnt whilst you're not eligible for benefits (there's a savings cap).

Kids will get over it, and have better ideas of how to treat people/how to be treated when they you standing up for yourself and leaving ;)

Look for a way to maximise your earnings ~ either going full time for a different company, or by adding side hustles you'd enjoy/could complete when Soon To Be Ex would have the kids.

Of course you can see a solicitor without him knowing. They won't do anything until you file for divorce. Find out your options and get an idea of what you might go for in settlement.

You earn alright for part-time, and you might be eligible for universal credit top-ups, and he'd have to pay child support. Which would be a decent sum given his earnings.

You proably won't throw this lifestyle away?

You're not financially trapped. See a solicitor ASAP (this can certainly be entirely confidential).

Why can't you go full time? Even if it's over 2 jobs? Your kids are coming up to ages where they don't necessarily need childcare like before/after school clubs

Hugs. Hugs!
I would think of this as the planning stage. No need to rush but plan to leave . Get yourself clued up and informed. Save , move money around . Take stock. Look to move job ?etc? Can you think of this as your escape plan xxxxxx

Oh wow thank you so much for all that info! Lots to think about for sure

It's not much of a lifestyle tbh

Not something that's on offer - but could prob pick some freelance work up to do around other job

That's really good advice, thank you! I don't want to change jobs (only been in current one for a few months) but can definitely start to plan!

I totally hear you!

I earn a good wage and have good amount of savings but even so, its still not enough to support myself and 2 DC. Its so unfair. I have worked hard and saved hard all my life, for nothing. Renting or buying is just always out of reach.

I am trapped, financially. Together, we have a perfectly 'pleasant' life, however dull and boring it may be for me. I have posted before about how DH and I really don't spend any time together or do anything together.... Its a lonely life.

There is no way out unless I win the lotto or inherit and sadly, both of those options are unlikely.

Ah I'm so sorry to hear that - sounds very similar to my situation.

I can't afford to rent anywhere in my area (the second most expensive in the country I think!!) as a 3 bed place is more than my take home pay and that's without bills and other living expenses! Let alone the kids stuff!

I just can't see a way out. Some days it's fine and I think 'ok I can do this, it's not too bad', but other days I just want to walk out the door. And those days are becoming more regular, sadly

I wouldn't get your hopes up about spousal maintenance if I were you. Piggled likes to claim people have a case for it but the reality is that unless he agrees to it in a negotiation then you're going to have two significant challenges. The first will be persuading a court to award it. The second will be receiving enough to justify the legal bill whilst leaving him enough to have the incentive to carry on working at his current level.

There are a lot of missing details here which is why Piggled jumped the gun on suggesting spousal maintenance. First of all you say you work part time but it is not clear how part time that is? This is important to determine your earning capacity, as opposed to what you are currently earning. If for example you are earning £24k on 20 hours a week then your earning capacity for the hours you are expected to work with children aged 8 and 11 would be £36k (based on 30 hours a week). In three years time your earning capacity would be based on full time hours. You might get some bridging spousal maintenance whilst you increase your hours (if you need to) but that's going to be a shorter term proposition than spousal maintenance over a number of years.

The second important detail is that settlements are based on net incomes, not gross. Your husband doesn't earn anywhere near quadruple your income because of income tax. Also, you need to factor in that you can claim child benefit, child maintenance from him (depending on arrangements) and possibly universal credit. Add those with your salary, deduct any non-negotiable work costs such as a commute and that's your net income. For him, take his net figure minus child maintenance to you and deduct cost of commuting. That's his net. Then work out the difference. I don't have all the information but I'm guessing the ballpark difference in your respective incomes is around £200-400?

Technically spousal maintenance would be based on your needs and his ability to pay and nothing else but realistically no court is going to make him significantly worse off than you financially (because he will be left with no incentive to earn at that level and it's easy to lose your job and find a lower paying one, see Li vs Simon) so it's probably fair to say spousal on top of child maintenance (assuming there is child maintenance) of around £200.

Now, in terms of legal fees, you could self rep but it's not the easiest thing to argue for and he will probably pay a solicitor to defend it. He might be strongly incentivised to go to at least the FDR stage if not a final hearing to get a clean break too. So let's say you need a solicitor, it'll cost you around £10-15k for this kind of work. Keep these figures in mind, £200 a month maintenance, £10-15k legal fees. You need just over six years of spousal maintenance to make it worthwhile.

Realistically I think the best you could hope for is 3 years of £200 a month and even then it's not guaranteed. Courts have a firm steer towards a clean break. Also, if you are eligible for any universal credit it will be reduced pound for pound based on any spousal maintenance you receive.

I would therefore treat the kind of advice given by Piggled with extreme caution and go to a solicitor with all the facts so that they can appropriately advise. And do so with an open mind because the kind of "information" you get here can often be wrong or if not wrong it might still not be financially savvy or appropriate.

I'm sorry! I totally get it. It sucks!

Wish I had some advice or a solution. Forgot to add, even with a second job (on top of working full time) its still not an option for me.

I feel so disadvantaged - which, I'm not. My husband does provide alot, financially so my money is mine to do with as I wish, so I get that I am fortunate in that regard.... so I feel guilty for feeling trapped an wanting to leave! From the outside, we look like we have a charmed life, but we don't!

I should have added in my earlier post. Courts don't award spousal maintenance to "even incomes out." I've heard solicitors suggest evening incomes in negotiation but it's not going to be a reason used by the court and a potential payer who is well advised would never agree to it, especially when there has been an uneven division of assets in the payees' favour already.

They almost always order spousal periodical payments when one party cannot afford their reasonable needs despite maximising their earning capacity and the other has surplus income. Much more rarely they might order payments as compensation to a spouse who gave up a career for the benefit of the marriage, but this has to be based on hard evidence and not merely speculation. Occasionally they order short term payments of 6 months to a year where someone hasn't been maximising their earning capacity (e.g. refusing to get a job during divorce, working fewer hours than they could etc) in order to give them time to do so.

Thanks so much for the info - food for thought

@satsumasunrise123 Don't listen to me too much. I'm here mainly to say beware what you hear on line. Based on everything you have said here no solicitor or barrister could predict an outcome.

You need proper, paid legal advice (not the 30 minutes free, they'd send a paralegal like me to do that rather than a solicitor!) tailored to your unique circumstances.