Financially trapped in a loveless marriage

[satsumasunrise123]

Evening mumsnetters. I have name changed for this post as I know my DH reads mumsnet sometimes. I promise I am a regular.

I am feeling really low this evening and need some advice. I don't really have anyone I can go to IRL as then it makes it real. I keep nearly phoning my mum but I don't want to worry her, and we don't really have that kind of relationship either.

Basically, I am feeling really trapped in my marriage and wondered if anyone else is going through this/has been through it, and can share any advice. If money was no option, I would've left long ago, but as it stands, my DH earns quadruple the amount I do and I simply wouldn't be able to survive on my salary alone. We have 2 DC aged 8 and 11.

There are a number of things making me unhappy, I won't go into all of them but the main things are his behaviour when he is angry or frustrated - he shouts, swears, growls, hits things (objects, never people), and is generally really unpleasant to be around. When I bring this up (that it makes me feel really stressed and unsafe), he simply says he's expressing himself and I am trying to stop him expressing his emotions. He can't see that his behaviour as a 6 ft plus man in a house full of females is in any way threatening, and makes no effort to change this behaviour.

Our marriage is also completely sexless. I instigated it a few weeks ago in pure desperation to reignite something, but nothing since, and before that it had probably been around 2-3 years (I lost count). We sleep separately due to his snoring, which won't change and will stay the same for the rest of our marriage. Nothing works to correct it - in his defence, he has tried every treatment available but nothing works. The thought of possibly spending the next 40-50 years like that makes me really unhappy.

I also feel like he is opting out of parenthood on a regular basis - every sunday recently he goes to London for the day to either watch football/sport and/or see his friends and smoke. I am so sick of it that I don't even say anything any more, but I can guarantee if I did that every weekend he would not be happy. I try to do things with the children but it's exhausting solo parenting. Although, having said that, we are definitely happier when he's not around and I find it easier.

I don't really know why I'm posting as I know deep down I can't do anything but stay, but even just to know I'm not alone would make me feel better. My children would be devastated if we did split up (they've said this to me a few times even though we've never discussed it openly!), and as I mentioned, I am totally financially reliant on him. I earn around £24,000 on a part time wage (no option to go full time), and he earns close to £90k.

We do have moments of happiness but much more like friends or housemates. I do have love left for him, but it is definitely waning. I probably am still in love with him, but that flame is steadily going out with each week that passes.

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for the support that I know you'll give, thank you ❤

My DC as young adults say why the fuck didn't you leave sooner. As 10
Year olds they'd have had a different view!

Of course kids want both parents together ... and HAPPY.

If parents are not happy, then them happy apart is better for DCs imo.

@ShinyShona I’ve seen cases where MPS awards were 90% of the payer’s income as the court made assumptions as to his assets, and then SM at £1400pm until the youngest child turned 18. This was despite the wife earning £50k per annum in her own right. H was earning about double that. It is individual and it does happen.

You are not qualified. I’m not sure whether that’s why you take umbrage with everything I say, but you say no one can give advice and then proceed to give advice.

of course no one can say for sure what OP will be entitled to. We don’t have the full facts, but OP was assuming she would not be able to afford to live as her H significantly out earns her. I commented briefly to alert her to the fact she would potentially be entitled to or have a case for SM. Everyone just seems to forget on here it exists!

SM is designed to relieve undue hardship and help the financially weaker spouse on a path back to independence. It would be totally remiss for any decent legal practitioner to dismiss it out of hand. And no the equal sharing principle does not apply to income but that doesn’t mean she definitely would not get SM at all. Given that most financial remedy cases settle out of court why would you not even argue for it?

@Piggled I take umbrage with what you say because you put ideas in people's heads and then they turn up at firms like mine expecting the world on a plate and then need their expectations managed. Here are some examples of what bothers me about what you post.

Take the 90% MPS claim. You aren't explaining clearly enough to a layperson why this might happen. The court would only make an order like this if they had evidence of substantial assets and believed someone to be deliberately underearning. On a £100k salary if they were ordered to pay 90% of their income their remaining income would fall well below minimum wage. It's quite obvious to me that someone ordered to pay 90% of their income who didn't have significant assets to fall back on or relief from such a burden in the very near future would see no point in working. It would clearly not be a sensible ruling or one with any practical merit.

I agree spousal maintenance should be considered but then in almost all cases it will be dismissed. In my region we would have an uphill battle to convince a judge that someone earning £24k and likely to be able to earn more plus child maintenance plus child benefit plus (possibly) universal credit was going to face undue hardship without spousal maintenance. Even more so if they needed more than half the capital as well.

What I particularly object to though is your suggestion that spousal maintenance might be available to "even things up." That's legally wrong. I might not be qualified but I know that much. So why are you saying it? You need to be more careful with the language you use because statements like that put ideas in people's heads that make them want to litigate for things they are not going to get. A more accurate statement would go along the lines of "it is not commonly awarded now but spousal maintenance may be available in the short term whilst you build up your earning capacity. You can discuss this with a solicitor fully appraised on your case."

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. A shed load of damaging lessons. You are currently showing them this abusive treatment of you, and in turn them, is acceptable to you.

Yoy are not trapped but thinking you are will keep you in this sexless and others abusive marriage. This is patently no relationship model to show your kids as they could well repeat this themselves .

Source legal advice from a local form of solicitors and plan your exit. Do also contact Womens Aid, they can also help.

Use the child maintenance calculator online. I think in a wage of £90k with him having the kids one night a week you would be looking at about £700 ish in maintenance.

You will also qualify for child benefit again as currently his income means you can't get that.

Single person council tax.

If he has more contact meaning you get less maintenance then you have free childcare for a second job.

The hardest part will be finding somewhere to live. Do you have a guarantor for a rental? Do you own or rent your current home? If you own then get legal advice before you leave it as it's possible you could stay there and he leave if you have children.

There is some adjustment like no more holidays and clothes from the charity shop etc. But its absolutely doable on £24k + maintenance.

You need to look at your outgoing ls now and see if there is anything unnecessary. Specifically I'm thinking car payments I had one friend who was stuck with a hefty car payment when she left her ex and so if you have things like that possibly wait till they are cleared and don't take out large car payments etc in the upcoming months.

@BestEffort Generally sound advice although I would exercise caution around staying in the family home. I agree it would be unwise to move out pending settlement but also being allowed to stay in the family home after divorce (Mesher Order or deferred sale with chargeback) isn't all that common nowadays unless both parties agree. Also, if the split becomes acrimonious the OP might be better off severing all ties.

Marilyn Stowe (a well known family solicitor, not at my firm I hasten to add!) for example would almost always recommend selling and taking a larger percentage of equity in a family home now rather than deferring sale to some future point.

It's worth doing the maths with a financial advisor on these kind of arrangements too. Taking 70% of the equity now and being able to buy a smaller home in their sole name might well be worth a lot more to them when the children are 18 than a Mesher type arrangement with a 50/50 split in the future will be for example.