Drop the rope theory

[MyOlivePeer]

Can anyone explain what drop the rope theory means, when it comes to dysfunctional family? As it relates to years of passive micro- aggressions towards each other. I want out. Thanks.

Decide not to react - don’t bite back, ever. Whatever someone else does, or says, or implies, it’s not your fight. You can’t have a tug-of-war if one person drops the rope. You can’t get yanked around if you’re not holding the rope. If you decide not to react, they can pull your chain as much as they like but it’s not your problem, because you’re just watching the rope writhe around on the floor, completely unconnected to you.

Thanks. What would this look like if they had sent a rude, accusatory text message? Should it be ignored? On the flip side if they decide they are in the mood to send a nice text, should only that be responded to? Do you match their energy? Or stand up for yourself if they send unsolicited questioning, accusatory texts? Trying to wrap my head around the whole thing and don’t really know how to engage.

Ignore the rude message. Don't pick up the rope.

If they are nice and you want to engage with that then do.

I wouldn't respond to nice messages either, to be honest. Don't thank them for saying something nice. Just say nothing at all

Accusatory text - reply once, factually, then ignore. Same unfounded accusations repeated - reply once up to three times, then ignore.

Nice comments - reply if suits you. Could just be thank you, you don't have to have a conversation.

Attention is its own reward. They want attention and will do anything to get it. You don't have to give it.

Drop the rope is about not getting into the tug of war with them. They yank the rope, you yank back, nothing changes, old patterns continue.

Dropping the rope is letting go, stepping back, not letting yourself get dragged into that bullshit.

Ignore, block the number, just don’t engage.

It’s about recognising the only winning move is not to play.

Trying to wrap my head around the whole thing and don’t really know how to engage.

You don’t have to engage. That’s the point. You dropped the rope. You don’t need to pick it up.

If you want to reply to a nice message, feel free to do so. But keep it short - ‘thanks!’
But certainly never respond to accusations or aggression or sarcasm or anything else. You can’t ‘stand up for yourself’ without picking up the rope. Who cares what they think? Why should you waste your time on them?

Do you match their energy? Or stand up for yourself if they send unsolicited questioning, accusatory texts?

No, because that’s still holding the rope.

Don’t get into it. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say to a casual acquaintance who praised you (“thanks, I was pleased with that too.”) and don’t justify or defend yourself against criticism.

You can’t match their energy if you aren’t expending any energy. They can rant or cajole all they like; you’ve let go of that rope and are no longer involved.

You aren’t playing their power games, you’re a spectator to the games they are trying to play.

Rude text?

"Your opinion is duly noted and screenshot for future use"

Nice text?

Reply if necessary

So, this family member has sent me a text asking me if I meant to hurt her when I said something completely innocent. I explained myself. She then proceeded to accuse me of lying about something completely different. As it contradicts what our first cousin told her (they obviously lied to her to save her feelings. I had told the truth innocently). And she said she does not trust me anymore. I responded that I didn’t lie. I don’t want to engage. Shes the type to start sending abusive name - calling texts if I ignore her. My mental health is so delicate right now and I feel I can’t win. Also, she ruins every Xmas day by sending me long complicated texts about her grievances with me from the previous year. Like trying to pick a fight.

So, block her number or turn your phone off or just delete her messages without reading.

It's your choice to engage or not.

You definitely didn’t drop the rope in the instance. You need to disengage. Ignore. Don’t let it show it affects you. I probably wouldn’t have responded to that at all, but certainly no more than a ‘nope’ and ignored any further communication. My therapist once said people can’t play games with you if you refuse to play. Games need players. This is why people go NC

I didn’t feel like I had the choice to ignore as she saw I had seen her messages. And didn’t want her to start getting abusive.

I guess this is like the grey rock method.
id love to get to the point of not caring and not letting other peoples games affect me. I just can’t seem to turn off my emotions.

Dear Cousin,
It seems we can’t communicate without triggering each other’s vulnerabilities. I choose to nurture my own well being, so I am freeing you to do the same. I wish you health and happiness and all the best in the future, @MyOlivePeer
And block….

I love this!! She will get very angry and start throwing her toys out of the pram!

Just block her now, if your mental health isn’t up to dealing with ignoring any texts that show up.

She accused, you defended. She tried a different grievance, you defended. She says she doesn’t trust you - instead of saying ‘that’s a shame’ you’ve defended, again.

Send her one message saying ‘I’m no longer going to respond to any messages as it’s bad for my mental health at the moment’ and block her number.

You have to prioritise yourself, and clearly you need the block option, which is more nuclear than just not responding but if you get affected by even seeing her messages cut that off.

You're best completely disengaging. I had a lifetime of crap from a sibling. I didn't even realise it. But as my health worsened, they became worse. Nothing I ever said or did was right, I was subject to horrible messages even after long stays in hospital and this only enabled by our mother. Drunken texts which I knew would turn nasty if I said the wrong thing.

I just went NC one day with sibling. It's been almost a year. I don't have to deal with any of it anymore. I feel so strong and liberated. I didn't even need give an explanation.

I'm low contact with mum. NC isn't an open for various reasons. It's just very basic yet pleasant interactions.

You just have to stop playing their silly games. You can't really win. It's not even healthy to want to annoy them. The ultimate goal is to feel indifference.

It is a very good message. But the point of it isn't to enjoy the thought of her throwing her toys. The point is to give you peace and space.

So don't 'love it' because it will anger her. 'Love it' because you will be blocking her so she cannot 'throw her toys' at you.

You say you can't keep your emotions from becoming involved. Seek counseling. There are wonderful tools to help you to do just that.

And again, you’re still playing the game.

Don’t think about her (over)reaction. That’s of no concern.

You wish her well and you’re out.

Sorry - I knew you meant the text in a serious manner. I just saw it in a light hearted way for a second. I imagined her absolute shock if she saw that message from me.

If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry type of thing.

I think I will wait until the next interaction, as I have already defended / responded to the current texts. But I will have a good response ready when she inevitably texts this Christmas. Thank you.

If you get a nasty text from her come Christmas, then you could always respond with: "And a Happy Christmas to you too".

I didn’t feel like I had the choice to ignore as she saw I had seen her messages.

You absolutely do have the choice to ignore, even if she's seen read receipts. And you do have the choice to ignore any later abusive messages.

Turn read receipts off if her seeing them bothers you. But... there's a lot of power in leaving them on and never responding. Doing so communicates to her that you aren't prepared to dignify her messages with a response, without you having to say a thing. Think about how often we see threads in Relationships where a woman is complaining that her boyfriend keeps "leaving her on read" and people are explaining how that means she's not a high priority to him.

I got to a point with my ex where I decided any messages like this were going to be met with one bland word. “Okay.”
Every single time.

I’d type my “okay” very casually and go back to what I was doing. Fake it until you make it.

I wouldn’t wait until the next abusive message. Block her now and forget about her.

I understand this. And I see the power of leaving her on read. I only reply at all, to minimise her damage as she has a habit of sending horrible text messages if I ignore her, including swearing at me.