Drop the rope theory

[MyOlivePeer]

Can anyone explain what drop the rope theory means, when it comes to dysfunctional family? As it relates to years of passive micro- aggressions towards each other. I want out. Thanks.

Whoever said you're part of the problem is right. And I know that was meant kindly.

I absolutely fed the abusive dynamic in mine but when you grow up in it you have no idea. You sound like you became the people pleaser because of your dysfunctional family OP. You have been trained to feel guilty.

I am a strong headed, semi intelligent, educated person. 4 years ago an abusive sibling was stood over me with fist in my face shouting how I was going to regret messing with him. What I had done was ask sibling to stop shouting drunk at the TV. Sibling was being put up in my home at the time.

I ended up apologising later because I'd said something unkind in retaliation moments later.

How utterly insane is that?

Thank goodness for therapy. It took ten years of this to get close to realising and saying bye bye.

You are in a similar dynamic on some level. I imagine your parents if alive don't help this dynamic one single bit.

I'm incredibly unwell with multiple health conditions now. That is no coincidence.

This. If a person only ever kicks a dog and never feeds it, the dog will leave. If the person alternates between kicking and petting the dog, and feeds it at least some of the time, the dog will stay and try to appease the person to get more of the petting and food. If the dog was smart, it would leave and find someone who never kicks and starves it and always pets and feeds it.

If fruit machines never paid out, no one would ever put money in them.

Stop putting money in this fruit machine.

If you really didn’t mean to offend her then just say that and say you are sorry she is feeling bad. End. That’s what a normal response would be. She won’t be satisfied with that but that is when you sept he rope and don’t respond any further except to repeat yourself if you feel it necessary

that's still reponding...to break the cycle all that is needed is to stop responding.

That’s what I said.

It seems to me that you've been conditioned to always put others before your own needs, at least it appears so within your family. I think you need to start putting yourself and your MH first. Doing this doesn't mean you are being 'selfish' or 'uncaring', it means that you give consideration to how the other person's words or 'needs' will affect your MH and make a decision based on what is best for you.

Just because someone is 'nice' on occasion doesn't mean we need to put up with their nastiness. That's like saying if someone shot us, it's OK as long as they put a bandaid on the wound. Nope.

Have you ever considered what your 'place' is within your family? Is there a 'golden child', a 'scapegoat', a 'peacemaker'? And also, would you accept this same behaviour from a friend that you get from this relative? The same 'throwing under the bus' from a friend as from your other relative? Probably not. So don't accept it from a relative. After all, we should be able to expect at least the same level of kindness and loyalty from our family as we get from our friends.

Again, I'm not criticizing you. This is the way you've been conditioned to behave and to accept your place within the family hierarchy. What I'm saying is that you should examine it and if you don't like it, work to change it no matter what the 'cost'. Because you will be healthier and happier as a result.

Just block her. End of problem.

If she approaches you to challenge it just tell her you're sick of her picking fights and you don't have to put up with it.

If she wants to start something with you at Xmas she can do it in front of everyone else and make herself look a fool.

Stop choosing to engage with it and she'll pick herself a new target.

Right now she's banking on you to give her what she wants because you always have in the past.

You need to change your own behaviour so she understands that you're not playing any more.

I feel bad if I block her because on the very rare occasion she can be nice.

Just another way she manipulates you.

And she knows you're too scared to block her.

She treats you how she does because she thinks she can. She thinks she can because you always put up with it.

You have 2 choices. Continue to be treated like shit or don't.

I only reply at all, to minimise her damage as she has a habit of sending horrible text messages if I ignore her, including swearing at me.

Sorry OP but this is just ridiculous.

Your weakness is a large part of this, I'm afraid.

I know that sounds harsh but honestly, I mean it kindly.

Stop letting this bulldozing bitch bully you and put an end to it.

You'll feel so much better for standing up for yourself.x.

Dropping the rope is more a state of mind than anything. You need to decide that this is all a load of shit. You need to reach a place where, if the person gets angry or argumentative, that you don’t care how they feel. It’s their problem. You need to start realising that you don’t have a control over their reactions. Let it go. Leave em off, cut them loose. Their anger/ meanness belongs to them.
It’s easier said than done, especially with a close family member but it’s a real truism that you show people how to treat you. By showing that you’re really not prepared to engage you may reset the relationship. The key is reaching that place where you truly stop playing the game with them.

Write incomprehensible stuff back like jumbled words. Home bite tree find carrot jump leaf now very.

When she says huh? Are you insane, just send some more crap sentences…

Thanks everyone. I clearly need to see a therapist. As he r behaviour is affecting me massively. And has eroded my self worth. As is the behaviour of the relative that very easily threw me under the bus. Thanks again xx

Good luck @MyOlivePeer
It’s not easy to stop putting everyone else before you.
But it’s really worth it!

Good luck. You seem stuck in playing these roles that only hurts you.

You know if she sends a nice Christmas message, if you respond with similar niceness she’ll come back with something that will hurt you and upset you, but you can’t bring yourself to block in case she decides to not send the second nasty message this time.

You can see the game - which is a great start. You just need to find a way to give yourself permission to stop playing your role.

Block both of them and live happily ever after

I think I'd reply with 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and then disengage or block.

Sounds a bit like grey rock 🤔

Very wise decision @MyOlivePeer . I wish you well on your 'journey'. Work hard at it, it will be well worth it.