Partner is alway ‘not very well’

[SunnyPinkMouse]

Does anyone else have a partner who says that he is not very well on a regular basis?
i have been with my partner for 12 years and he says that he is not feeling great on what feels like a weekly basis during this time. I ask him for symptoms and sometimes he has none just ‘doesn’t feel great’. I have said to him a million times to go to the doctors. But he doesn’t. I have said to him that I don’t know how he lives like this if he is always unwell. It’s so frustrating because it stops us from doing things from going out to house work.
I hate to say it but sometimes I feel like he is lying to me. I just don’t understand and how someone could be ill so often and also put up with it

It's his go- to excuse for not participating in life. Bet you end up doing everything do you? There you go it works for him doesn't it? He therefore has no reason to change... Stop doing anything at all for him. Keep up with the plans you make.

He is a loser..

First post nailed it. Is he not very well when it comes to doing things he wants to do @SunnyPinkMouse ?

I hate to say it but sometimes I feel like he is lying to me.

Don't hate to say it, it needs saying, listen to your instinct.

Well there could be an underlying issue. He really does need to see a doctor and get his bloods checked. It could be something really simple like a vitamin d deficiency which would be cheap to fix and in 6 months he’ll feel so much better.

Perhaps if he know what to ask for he’ll feel more able to reach out.

How old is he ?
I would start going places without him - and big up what a good time you had.

I would start with the basics and see if he is eating well, drinking enough water and getting enough sleep and exercise.

I would also keep a written note of when this happens and what sort of thing he is opting out of. Is he leaving all the housework/kids etc to you?

Does he manage to get to work?

But yes also he should go to the doctors.

Even if his symptoms is tiredness he must be able to say why he doesn't feel well.

Finish the relationship.

Could it be that's he's feeling mentally unwell? Low, depressed and feeling melancholy, maybe. Surely he'd be able to tell you his symptoms otherwise.

it could be underlying illness or it could be what I call…illness as personality. I have a fairly similar aged co worker and I never ask her “how are you” because she immediately launches into a 5 minute oration on her newest health issue. Been going on for a year. I’m very healthy and I’m in health care so selfishly it bores me to hear people go on and on about their vague undiagnosable symptoms despite all the testing they have had. It doesn’t make sense to me

I have a colleague like that too. She’s already had covid twice in the last four weeks.

"not very well" bit vague isn't it?
Won't go to the GP though, so not that unwell.

Don't you say "take a paracetamol then and push the hoover round"

It's his way to control your household.
Some men moan, get angry, use money or work as an excuse, yours has chosen "not very well" and this has been going on years?

He sounds like a soul sucking fun sponge.

Thanks all for the responses. It somewhat helps venting and hearing what others think.

We did manage to get him to the doctors twice in the last couple of years and both occasions he had bloods tested - results were normal so that eliminates some things. He does suffer from IBS and Diverticulitis from time to time. These things understandably makes him unwel and also interrupts his sleep which I turn makes him tired. He does manage to go to work every day and on time. Although years ago he would call in sick and be late regularly. I don’t recall this happening for the last 5 or so years come to think of it.

Hmmm it does sound a bit like he's using it as an excuse to get out of doing stuff he doesn't want to. But why would he not want to do fun stuff like going out with you? That's a bit sad

Oh sorry I just saw your update. If he has IBS and diverticulitis he could well be feeling ill once a week tbh

He's an adult. So he either sorts out a solution: identify and avoid foods that set off his IBS and Diverticulitis, and take steps to improve his overall health or stops complaining...

I would really get hacked off by this "not feeling very well" whilst doing absolutely nothing to change things.

It's not your job to get him to the doctors or explore his diet. You are not his mum. 🙄

Could something be wrong with his heart?

Has he had an ECG or other tests?

Many people have undiagnosed heart conditions, which could explain why he feels very tired or just unwell a lot of the time.

Regarding his blood tests, I’d get them done again and look up the optimal levels rather than the nhs thresholds for treating. I’ve low iron, the threshold for treating is 30 n/l whereas I’ve found studies that state a healthy amount is 100. So he could easily have been fobbed off with levels of vit d or b12 that are low enough to feel crap but not low enough to be really ill.

Also ibs can make you feel shit. Tell him he needs to get back to the doctors and see a nutritionist so get a handle on it.

I certainly think it's possible to almost always feel under the weather. Modern life can be very draining, over-stimulating, overwhelming, stressful, etc. I consider myself to be a low energy person who prefers a quiet life.

After 12 years, I'd be inclined to say this is who he is and you need to decide if you're compatible. It's okay if you want something different from the only life you're going to get.

It's so frustrating because it stops us from doing things from going out to house work

Ah - so it is his way of avoiding things he doesn't want to do then? Poor chap is too ill to even contemplate doing any housework. How convenient for him.

My diagnosis would be Layaboutitis.

Does his feeling unwell extend to preventing him from doing fun things he really wants to do?

To be honest since having kids and COVID being around, I basically feel a bit under the weather almost all the time. Just enough to take the zest out of me and make me just want to flip down. Plus the constant bugs that come home from school, and lack of time to clear my mind, I just feel a bit lacking even when I'm well.
Honestly I'm just looking forward to when the kids are old enough not to be a constant energy drain and I can get some hobbies again!
If your partner is struggling then they are struggling, you can ask how you can help and if you don't like the result then it's their life

Before I got a diagnosis of ME, I would have said the same than your dh. Just feeling unwell but unable to describe key symptoms. Tiredness and a multitude of small annoyances that just added up to ‘feeling unwell’.

Of course, no blood test ever picked anything up.

It’s only when my baseline dropped again (from really mild to moderate) that I got a diagnosis. By that time, I was only able to work part time and struggled to go up any stairs or do anything really.
dh still thought I was been lazy. It hurt a hell of a lot.

And YY to the fact many people feel like this nowadays - thanks to Covid.

Your gut instinct is that he's bullshitting you and you know him best. He could be one of those people (we've all worked with one!) who loves being sick, maybe it got them attention as a child, and they bore everyone to death with their latest sniffle. Cannot stand those types.

Diverticulitis can be pretty awful and can cause low level infection and pain. So on that he has my sympathy. IBS isn’t much fun either. However, this stuff is the new thing for IBS issues. Might be worth looking into.

https://www.boots.com/enterosgel-225g-10233809

There could be an element of weaponising his medical issues to get out of things. I would suggest you sit him down and explain to him that you understand he’s not been in too health and really empathise with him but that things cannot continue as they have been. Tell him you need to see him trying to find ways to improve his health. Whether that’s going back to the doctors, making dietary changes, keeping a food diary, logging his symptoms, etc. And tell him that he needs to be doing more around the house because it’s not fair on you. So, even if he’s not feeling great, he can manage to load the washing machine, do some dishes or spend time with the children reading or playing a board game, etc.

Does his "not very well" stop him doing fun things or just things he doesn't particularly want to do?

My DH has a condition where he frequently feels unwell, but he doesn't milk it unnecessarily and it happens on fun days as often as boring days.

My ex was frequently not very well, but by coincidence he was always well on days he had plans. Yet frequently too ill for housework, too ill for things I wanted to do and always always too ill when he was meant to have the small people so I could go out. Weaponised wellness is definitely a thing.