Partner is alway ‘not very well’

[SunnyPinkMouse]

Does anyone else have a partner who says that he is not very well on a regular basis?
i have been with my partner for 12 years and he says that he is not feeling great on what feels like a weekly basis during this time. I ask him for symptoms and sometimes he has none just ‘doesn’t feel great’. I have said to him a million times to go to the doctors. But he doesn’t. I have said to him that I don’t know how he lives like this if he is always unwell. It’s so frustrating because it stops us from doing things from going out to house work.
I hate to say it but sometimes I feel like he is lying to me. I just don’t understand and how someone could be ill so often and also put up with it

Is he ever ill when it's something he wants to do ?

What does he do on the days that he’s not very well? Surely he could help with a bit of housework?

I feel like your husband. I can often have episodes where my whole body aches and I feel fluey. I've had bloods and apart from my vit D being very low all seemed ok. This has been going on for years. I've been diagnosed with mild arthritis in my hands so think maybe it's flare ups but I don't know. My point is that although it must be annoying for you, he really could be feeling under the weather a lot. I'd push for him to go back to the GP and look at getting him some vitamin supplements just to cover bases.

I am like this. Generally I’m more often than not, not feeling great.

Its annoying as it’s never enough to call in sick or lay around in bed all day but always a low level of no energy, feeling heavy and achy and like I have a mild cold.

have looked into and have found no answers. I just try my best to eat right and drink plenty of water and exercise.

So there seem to be two schools of thought here- 1. He is ill when he doesn’t want to do whatever it is
2.he genuinely feels unwell, but he isn’t prepared to do any work to try and improve things (food diary, see GP, etc).

OP you are well placed to work out which, if either, of these it is. If it’s 1 then time to call his bluff- just like when we were kids, if he’s too ill to hoover then he’s too ill for golf. And needs to get to the GP. If it’s 2 then same- working out why is going to be key and that means keeping track of triggering food, getting bloods, maybe a Well Man check or similar. Or if it’s mental health then making sure diet and outdoor time are optimal, that he isn’t putting undue pressure on, or using substances that can affect mood.

After your update of his conditions I would be inclined to believe him, those conditions are awful, as to if you want to hear this from him for the rest of your life, that’s up to you.

I’ve had health issues for two years, a major one at the beginning of 2023, but then after recovering I just felt off for the whole year, I couldn’t put my finger on why or explain it to my partner, who in the end I don’t think believed me. Turned out I had a cyst the size of a rugby ball in my abdomen, which was becoming infected. Feeling ill can’t always be explained, but it’s not always people trying to get out of life, sometimes humans have ailments that are persistent and hard to diagnose. I feel sorry for people who have ME for instance.

I was not very well for a few years. Had multiple blood tests, all was fine, got told by Dr's that it was just anxiety. There was an underlying cause and it's now better but not perfect due to medication. I just felt like shit a lot, tired, just generally not very well but no major symptoms.

He could be ill, he could be lying. Either way you can still choose not to be with him anymore if you think that that would be better for you.

I'd ask him how he knows? If he has felt the same for 12 years surely that's his norm.

Speak to women’s aid. He’s continuing to abuse you. This is post separation abuse. This is quite clearly coercive control, which is now illegal. Log everything and report him. Women’s aid can help you navigate this. Ask for a IDVA. Learn the grey rock method and only communicate with him about the children. Keep every communication in text or email so you have a record of everything. Then you can apply for a non mol, a lives with order and see if you can get a forensic accountant to prove his income. He’s clearly trying to make it look like he has nothing when he does. He’s the worst.

He's got a diagnosis of Diverticulitis and IBS, so this is something outside of those illnesses? Generally feeling meh when it comes to doing the houswork is something most people suffer from, but if he's using it to load everything on to you and not pulling his weight then you're right to feel pissed off.

@TipsyJoker This looks like you intended it to land elsewhere 😊

I did. No idea why it ended up here!

I think the thing is, that if he's not ill enough to really hammer the GP about looking into it more, it's hard to gauge how unwell he really is.

We all know a lot of people who never feel great it seems, but don't do anything about it and don't have the best lifestyles. Cliche as it is, fresh air and mild exercise helps when you feel unwell. Vegetating on the sofa, does not (unless you are so ill, you literally can't do anything else, but is that the case?)

I also think that is hard to sympathise when it goes on for years and he's not pulling his weight as a result. When I feel unwell (and many other women I know), I still do all the house work, go to work, pump myself up to engage and do things outside with the kids, etc etc. I only stop doing these things when I literally can't get out of bed, so unwell. So he can feel "not great", but that doesn't mean he can't do any chores.
And if I felt so bad that I couldn't get up once a week, I'd take it pretty serious and would want it taken seriously by the doc too.

Also, as other posters have pointed out, you can sympathise and help him, but you're not his mum. Essentially, if this is something serious that is affecting him and you by extension, it's his responsibility to look after himself as well as possible and get to the bottom of it, if possible, to help you both, rather than just not do anything at all.

Has he checked properly for gluten intolerance, lactose intolerance etc.?

Do you live with this current boyfriend and do you know what he is trying to get out of?

The kind of illness where you can go to work but opt out of housework and doing stuff together...