Husband sleeping in to midday

[scotspancake86]

I live with my kids and husband, who I've been with for over 20 years. My husband never wakes up on the weekend or the days he works from home before 11.30am, sometimes even 2pm. I therefore have to look after the kids, drive the to club activities, etc etc. If I ask him to get up he ignores me, gets cross at me, and gives the silent treatment when he's up. He drinks until the early hours of the morning (often going to bed only an hour before the kids are.) I am exhausted, as I work long hours and have had enough. He yelled at me today saying I was always on his back, despite it being noon and he was still asleep. I have asked him time and time again to amend his behaviour. He refused help for drinking, and won't seek help for depression. What can I do to make him listen to me? There are so many reasons I wouldn't want a divorce (kids, house etc). Any ideas?

If your husband won't listen to your reasoning then you must do something to make him sit up and take notice. For starters, I'd refuse to take him a cup of tea in bed if he's too darn lazy to get out of bed himself. If he can't or won't alter his behaviour then I think you must consider the possiblilty of separation or divorce, tough though it may seem.
How old are your children? Is it possible for you to get them to help around the house at weekends and should they complain about not being able to go to their usual activities, say bluntly that you haven't got the time to ferry them around because their dad is still in bed and he doesn't help.
Contact a solicitor - most offer a feee half-hpur initial consultation - to see what your rights are in the event of a separation/divorce.

There’s no way to force him to change OP unless you’re prepared to walk away. Why would he change now after 20 years when he’s perfectly content with the way life is now and when he knows that despite not liking it you won’t leave?

Yep, this.

Divorce. Let him drink himself to death alone.

I wouldn't be letting him near the children not a car as likely incapacitated to drive safely.

Unfortunately the most logical step is what you have ruled out. You can not change another s behaviour only your reaction to it.

You can't make somebody change. All you can do is let him know you're serious about not taking this any more. The suggestion above about speaking to a solicitor is a good one. Or what about getting the house valued?

If sex is important to him then withholding that might make him take notice.

Send him this comment thread he needs some perspective he sounds absolutely awful.

So he gives you the silent treatment which is abusive. He treats you and the kids as irrelevant and annoying. He won't get help for depression or his health. He adds fuck all to any of your lives.

The best thing you can give to your kids is boundaries about acceptable behaviour. What do you want your kids to take into their adult lives about relationships? I'd bet you'd be devastated if they ended up doing what your deadbeat alcoholic husband does or being married to a deadbeat alcoholic like him.

I suppose the upside of staying is that he'll die youngish. But looking after someone dying of alcohol is the grimmest imaginable future you can possibly imagine.

If you won't divorce him then ignore him completely. Live your life as if you were a single parent which technically you are. Let him do his own washing, prepare his own meals etc. Go about your day as if he wasn't there. Rule him out of any family life because he's certainly opted out himself.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not.
It is precisely because of the children that you should divorce him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Did you see your parents model a similar relationship at home?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now with him?. It must be something otherwise why stay with him at all?. What is in this still for you?.

Do not be afraid to move on with your own life. Using the house or the children as reasons to stay is a mistake of mammoth proportions. The silent treatment he gives you is infact emotional abuse. Your marriage is over in all but name because of this and his alcoholism.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to change his behaviour OP. So you either continue to live with it permanently or until such time as you feel in a better place to leave. Sounds like he's an alcoholic (and I don't use that term lightly). He could very well drink himself to death. However, he might also have a stroke, brain haemorraghe or other drink related illness - in which case you might end up as his carer. I would honestly save your breath. All the reasoning in the world won't work.

You are married to a surly, unpleasant alcoholic.

Nothing will change.

Thanks for your comments. So insightful and bloody scary, but I can see separation may be a path forward if he's refusing to listen. It's so true that the kids will pick up on his behaviours thinking they are ok. It won't be a surprise to learn my father had similar traits, and I did everything when choosing a life partner to ensure a husband was not a drinker and was level headed, but it all changed after being with him for some time. Anyway, thanks again, I need to be prepped and prepared to carry out a separation and not just say it, that will be my next step. But defo need to create a plan before doing so. X

Speak to Womens Aid and a local solicitor as part of your plan of action.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so was not altogether surprised your father was and is also a drinker.

Leave him to drink himself stupid and get a brilliant life without him.

God help you and your children.

What a childhood.
Mother run ragged doing it all.
Father a lazy selfish abusive alcholic.

Speak to a lawyer to see if he can be kicked out on safeguarding grounds
Gather as much evidence as you can

The issue is he drinks til early hours.
Not that he sleeps In

Best you plan to leave
You cannot change or cure him

When my dh drove drunk nearly killing us all I filed for divorce and didn't look back. Ltb before eh does this. Also refuse to to hand over dc if he had car keys available
. Let him prove sobriety to a judge first.

I'd say leave him, but the problem with that is that the courts may force you to leave the kids with him sometimes. And then they will be at risk - he will still drink until the early hours and wake up late but you won't be there to look after the kids. He might drive drunk with them in the car, and you won't be there to stop that. I don't know what the answer is really, but this is a problem lots of women (and their children) face when leaving a bad father.

Agree with all PP, can I ask about the WFH situ? How does he get away with sleeping in till 11.30 is it a part time job? I’d also be worried about his job security..

Please leave before he is too ill to leave him.

You are describing my childhood 50 years ago. My poor mother was run ragged working all the time. We were left with various babysitters while she worked, my father was drunk/asleep/out drinking. Fear, anxiety and violence was the background to my life.
I wished my mother would leave. I would have happily lived in a tiny house and done without, just to get away. My father would not have had the slightest interest in having access.

He's full time and only started a new job a few months ago. He's very productive when working and 'talks the talk' in his new company. He got a new job before his last job made him redundant, but they were beginning to see the light...

I could not live with such a lazy and unhealthy man.

'He drinks until the early hours of the morning '. The drinking is the worst part.