Husband sleeping in to midday

[scotspancake86]

I live with my kids and husband, who I've been with for over 20 years. My husband never wakes up on the weekend or the days he works from home before 11.30am, sometimes even 2pm. I therefore have to look after the kids, drive the to club activities, etc etc. If I ask him to get up he ignores me, gets cross at me, and gives the silent treatment when he's up. He drinks until the early hours of the morning (often going to bed only an hour before the kids are.) I am exhausted, as I work long hours and have had enough. He yelled at me today saying I was always on his back, despite it being noon and he was still asleep. I have asked him time and time again to amend his behaviour. He refused help for drinking, and won't seek help for depression. What can I do to make him listen to me? There are so many reasons I wouldn't want a divorce (kids, house etc). Any ideas?

It's totally mad to hear everyone's opinion...I'm still in denial as it's drifted slowly. I know im a people pleaser / optimist so always try and make it better for everyone. But this is helping me see it's not ok. I've haven't shared it much with friends, though they always express the shock as he doesn't present himself this way to others.

The sleeping in late is a secondary issue.

The main issue is his drinking.

I assume you’ve already begged, asked and got annoyed with him - what else can you do?

This isn’t going to get better.
It will only get worse.

You have to separate until he gets himself better.

You say you’re worried about separating because of the house etc but what happens if he dies? Or gets seriously ill? Which is a common thing will those dependant on alcohol.

You are already acting like single parent physically, so it’s not such a big jump to go the full way.

It doesn’t have to be forever, it’s until he can get himself better.

Does he have parents who he can live with temporarily?

How old are the kids?

They never do. Don’t blame yourself. Gather your strength to make a change, though 💐

I live with my kids and husband, who I've been with for over 20 years. My husband never wakes up on the weekend or the days he works from home before 11.30am, sometimes even 2pm. I therefore have to look after the kids, drive the to club activities, etc etc. If I ask him to get up he ignores me, gets cross at me, and gives the silent treatment when he's up. He drinks until the early hours of the morning (often going to bed only an hour before the kids are.) I am exhausted, as I work long hours and have had enough. He yelled at me today saying I was always on his back, despite it being noon and he was still asleep. I have asked him time and time again to amend his behaviour. He refused help for drinking, and won't seek help for depression. What can I do to make him listen to me? There are so many reasons I wouldn't want a divorce (kids, house etc). Any ideas?

I could have written this a few years ago. With my ex almost 20 years, he has depression, refused help, slept in on days off, even when I'd just done night shifts, silent treatment, drinking, shouting at me and kids etc.....

I begged him to get help, he lied and said he'd been to see dr but he had no desire to get better or seek help.

I finally had a moment where I realised that I was the only one fighting for our marriage, and if he didn't care, why should I? I asked him to leave and I've been so much happier ever since.

Life is too short

They are at primary and just started secondary. His parents live a few hours from London where he works so he couldn't live with them. He has no other friends or family. Sounds so awful writing it down. I am wondering if we could still live together but function apart? We will so conveniently to schools, and the area we live in a stupidly expensive so doubt I could buy much of a house (despite earning a good wage). Feel there are so many barriers

Alcoholism and abuse thrive on secrecy and you have taken a small but significant step in writing about him on here. Abusers as well can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

People pleasing is a problem and often arises from wanting to parent please a difficult or otherwise emotionally absent parent. Given how your father was/is this is not a surprising development either. Did your mother also try and hold things together?.

Blimey, you have hit the nail on the head! My mum was the ultimate in keeping calm and carrying on, she never argued with dad in front of us and created such a safe space. My dad died many years ago. I talked to her about everything this weekend, and it felt amazing to finally share. She come up with some solutions too. I think it's all about a process to coming up with a plan and sharing more. Thanks again to all.

"I am wondering if we could still live together but function apart?"

NO!. Do not do this to yourself and your children. What does that teach your kids about relationships?. Doing that will not make your life easier. He is an abusive alcoholic who leaves you to do all the work associated with child rearing and the house. I would think you've excused him quite long enough.

Do not be afraid to move on with your life.
Your kids as well as you deserve a peaceful non abusive home and whilst you are all residing under the same roof that is impossible. Better to be from a so called broken home as well than to remain in one. Your own recovery from his varied abuses of you has not even started yet.

I would urge you to contact both Womens Aid and a local firm of Solicitors asap. Knowledge here is power.

BTW are your parents still together?.

Cross posted.

You can't make him listen to you or change his behaviour. He sounds like a selfish pig with a drink problem. Why do you want to stay with him?

I am wondering if we could still live together but function apart?

That is basically what you’re doing now and it’s not working.

I really feel for the kids in this situation.
If they were younger then it wouldn’t matter as much because they wouldn’t understand what was going on but these are going to be well aware.

You don’t want them thinking that this is an acceptable way to behave (and grown up like him) or be treated (and allow this behaviour from their future DPs).

As he WFH sometimes, could he live with his parents half of the week.

It seems if you separate then you won’t be able to afford the house which will affect the kids etc.
But he is at risk of losing his job, so how would you cope then?

Currently he is a functioning alcoholic and there’s a slither of hope for him/the relationship but he needs a massive wake up call.

At the minute you are enabling his behaviour by looking after kids, cooking, cleaning etc and he has no reason to make changes to how he lives but if he knows that you are ready to end things over it then he may want to change.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism.

OPs H could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards. He's working for now but for how long?.

You're trying to live together but function apart, and it's not working, it wouldn't be healthy for the kids to see a lodger in your home sit up getting pissed til all hour and lying in bed til lunch time, never mind their father.

You grew up with similar, it feels familiar, but you do know that it's not right. You can't plead, or beg your DH not to be an alcoholic, that ball is squarely in his court. Make some concrete plans and take steps towards ending the marriage, it really is only going one way and if you stick around you'll be his carer too and stuck for the rest of your life. Do it, for your DC. They deserve a better role model or they'll end up on the same boat themselves, break the cycle.

Couple of things on divorce. Number one, surely he would want to avoid it as much as you? Perhaps if you showed you were serious it might motivate him.

And number two. As much as you think divorce isn't an option, of course it is. If you discovered he'd been unfaithful you'd find a way to make it happen then surely?

Irreconcilable differences.

Serve him papers to initiate divorce.

He is weaponising the reasons you've stated for not wanting to divorce you, like expensive house, against you.

The only way around this is to proceed with a divorce anyway.

Glad you could share with your Mum.

But beware, if she enabled an alcoholic husband herself, then her advice may veer towards excusing his behavior and 'try to make it work', 'he's drinking because he's stressed/fragile' type of responses.

Also, there are Al Anon online groups you could join.

Where your husband goes is not your problem to solve. You are not his mother.
He's a grown man with choices of his own.

Don't teach your children that men have to be babied and pandered to because they are stressed or emotionally fragile, while women have to deal with life's shit just because they are mothers or because they are capable of having a job and cooking a meal in the same day without whining about how their boss is really really mean to them and taking to the bed because of it.