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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't get past this comment he made

48 replies

Itsalwaysfools · 03/11/2024 11:15

Me and a guy have been chatting. He's a childhood friend. We had a brief fling in our 20s but then our lives went in different directions. We've both found ourselves single at the same time in our 50s and have sort of re-connected. It hadn't spilt over into romance quite but we talked most days, it was chatty, easy and he'd mentioned going away together etc. I liked him. He's got so many good qualities. Bright, sharp as a tack, funny, easy to talk to about many different subjects, very well read, thoughtful, considerate etc. A conversation turned to films and out of nowhere, he referred to an actress as a "slut with issues" and part of the 'feminazi". I was stunned. Didn't see it coming at all. Such aggressive and nasty misogynistic language. Any feelings for him that might have been building have gone in a poof of smoke. I just fear that so many men harbour views like this and I increasingly don't want anything to do with them. I'm absolutely fine and wouldn't say I'm upset but I do think I feel a general sense of it being the final straw in the relationship stakes for me.

OP posts:
Wherehasallthetimegone · 03/11/2024 14:12

Well it's good that you found out about this aspect of him before your relationship became anything deeper.
Did you challenge him about what he said?
I must say I'm.very cynical about people in general. That you think you are on the same wave length and then when the layers start to peel off they are not the person you thought they were.
I do think this misogynistic aggressive view of women is frighteningly prevalent amongst a lot of men now.

Movinghouseatlast · 03/11/2024 14:17

You are well out of it. I had a boyfriend 30 years ago who started to talk about 'the feminist mafia' and saying 'women are taking over'. I was young and stupid and ignored it for too long.

It ended when he called my friends 'feminist slags' and I realised that he really did hate all women.

It's a shame nothing much has changed and younger men still hate women.

Understairscupboard · 03/11/2024 14:33

He sounds appalling. Well swerved.

smallsilvercloud · 03/11/2024 14:45

Spot on, Run for the hills.

NuffSaidSam · 03/11/2024 14:46

What did he say when you called him on it?

username7891 · 03/11/2024 14:48

NuffSaidSam · 03/11/2024 14:46

What did he say when you called him on it?

I'm interested in this too. How did he react to being challenged?

popeydokey · 03/11/2024 14:51

I just fear that so many men harbour views like this and I increasingly don't want anything to do with them.

Unfortunately I think more and more do - There is a great book by Laura Bates on how they get sucked in. It's repellent - I'm sorry you have seen your friend's true colours.

He can't really be that sharp if he believes all that guff. But it seems preferable to think women are to blame for everything rather than admit many men are fucking up badly.

Interlaken · 03/11/2024 14:57

username7891 · 03/11/2024 14:48

I'm interested in this too. How did he react to being challenged?

I would also love to hear his response, it isn’t clear whether you responded to him yet/at all?

I’m sure MNetteters can come up with something both devastating and hilarious:

maybe reply and say “Did the Incel Troll living in your Mum’s basement sneak out and grab your phone… eww.

Itsalwaysfools · 03/11/2024 15:21

NuffSaidSam · 03/11/2024 14:46

What did he say when you called him on it?

I haven't replied and don't intend to. My days of challenging men are long gone. Think what you want. Nothing I say will make any difference. I'll just literally never contact him again.

OP posts:
Itsalwaysfools · 03/11/2024 15:25

Interlaken · 03/11/2024 14:57

I would also love to hear his response, it isn’t clear whether you responded to him yet/at all?

I’m sure MNetteters can come up with something both devastating and hilarious:

maybe reply and say “Did the Incel Troll living in your Mum’s basement sneak out and grab your phone… eww.

Yeah, I can think of several smart replies but I just cba'd wasting my breath. He's done for me. I'm far from devastated but I just generally feel so disillusioned about the way men feel towards women. I was so taken aback aswell by the audacity of a guy to come out with such a slur about women to a woman.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 03/11/2024 15:25

Itsalwaysfools · 03/11/2024 15:21

I haven't replied and don't intend to. My days of challenging men are long gone. Think what you want. Nothing I say will make any difference. I'll just literally never contact him again.

Fair enough. Personally, if he's so bright, thoughtful, considerate and well read I'd be really interested to continue the conversation with him and hear him justify himself.

Itsalwaysfools · 03/11/2024 15:30

NuffSaidSam · 03/11/2024 15:25

Fair enough. Personally, if he's so bright, thoughtful, considerate and well read I'd be really interested to continue the conversation with him and hear him justify himself.

I was vaguely tempted but I was reminded of the saying about rolling in the mud with pigs. I'm 18 months out of an abusive relationship too and I don't want anything to do with men who hold such views on women. I spent a long time defending myself. I wont do it at all anymore. He is a very bright guy, which makes it worse for me. It's not an off the cuff mindless comment. This will be a considered point of view.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 03/11/2024 15:45

Itsalwaysfools · 03/11/2024 15:30

I was vaguely tempted but I was reminded of the saying about rolling in the mud with pigs. I'm 18 months out of an abusive relationship too and I don't want anything to do with men who hold such views on women. I spent a long time defending myself. I wont do it at all anymore. He is a very bright guy, which makes it worse for me. It's not an off the cuff mindless comment. This will be a considered point of view.

At least you've got the wherewithal to recognise it immediately and cut your losses. Good for you OP.

CurlewKate · 03/11/2024 15:47

"What did he say when you called him on it?"

What could he possibly say-apart possibly for more of the same? And why should the OP call him out on it if she doesn't want to?

I'm sorry this happened @Itsalwaysfools, but at least you found out early on.

Plastictrees · 03/11/2024 15:52

Itsalwaysfools · 03/11/2024 15:30

I was vaguely tempted but I was reminded of the saying about rolling in the mud with pigs. I'm 18 months out of an abusive relationship too and I don't want anything to do with men who hold such views on women. I spent a long time defending myself. I wont do it at all anymore. He is a very bright guy, which makes it worse for me. It's not an off the cuff mindless comment. This will be a considered point of view.

Good for you OP, he is not worth your time. And he’s clearly not that bright if he’s harbouring such views!

NuffSaidSam · 03/11/2024 16:14

CurlewKate · 03/11/2024 15:47

"What did he say when you called him on it?"

What could he possibly say-apart possibly for more of the same? And why should the OP call him out on it if she doesn't want to?

I'm sorry this happened @Itsalwaysfools, but at least you found out early on.

No-one has suggested the OP should call him out on it if she didn't want to.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/11/2024 16:34

I think you're right not to challenge him. I used to, but honestly it's pointless. You might feel a small satisfaction in the moment, coming out with something witty and then blocking, but in reality what has it achieved? As you say, you've just gone down to his level - and in his tragic world view, it will be further confirmation that woman are all emasculating bitches.

Best to just walk away and let silence be the answer. Sometimes the best response is no response.

PullTheBricksDown · 03/11/2024 16:38

NuffSaidSam · 03/11/2024 15:25

Fair enough. Personally, if he's so bright, thoughtful, considerate and well read I'd be really interested to continue the conversation with him and hear him justify himself.

Waste of time. All that ability to articulate himself will be used entirely to show how right he is and how wrong the feminiNazis are. OP won't get a hearing.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 03/11/2024 16:41

It is so disappointing when something like this happens, a casual comment pulls you up short (bet you were thinking "WHAT???")

A little more of the cynicism and battle weary hardens.

I know what your experience feels like.

The world sometimes can feel hard, chaotic and without compassion.

But it really isn't. Honestly.

ginasevern · 03/11/2024 16:49

Many more men than we care to imagine hold these views and of all ages. Scratch the surface and it's there, to a greater or lesser degree, with most of them. This isn't something new or whipped up by the internet, it's always been there.

blacksax · 03/11/2024 17:18

I couldn't get past a remark like that either. Why did he have to go and spoil it all by being a misogynistic prick?

At least you found out early on.

EmeraldRoulette · 03/11/2024 17:23

This might sound silly but I feel like maybe some men make these comments while imagining women who don't actually exist. Some sort of crazy image they got from an online world. Do they actually think that of their female relatives and friends? It's scary how chronically online some people are.

Planesmistakenforstars · 03/11/2024 17:36

I'm sorry this one has turned out to be a turd. It's disconcerting sometimes how well many men can hide their contempt or outright hatred for women. At least you haven't lost anything worth having. I think you're right not to bother engaging with him. Women aren't here to educate, entertain or rehabilitate crap men. Or to give them space to justify their views. Let them wallow in their shit.

Itsalwaysfools · 03/11/2024 17:40

blacksax · 03/11/2024 17:18

I couldn't get past a remark like that either. Why did he have to go and spoil it all by being a misogynistic prick?

At least you found out early on.

That's exactly how I feel. Why did he have to go and spoil it. He makes me roar laughing, I've known him since we were children, so I trust him and there's no nasties to discover, we had a brief but lovely fling in our 20s, life took us in different directions, nothing to do with falling out in any way. Then this sucker punch from nowhere. I just can't imagine making such derogatory and inflammatory comments. There's no recovering from this for me or sweeping it under the rug. I was looking forward to spending some time with him in a few weeks but now, I'll be cordial when I see him but that's it. He's truly one of the good guys too. Thoughtful, good company, fun blah blah blah. Or so I thought.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 03/11/2024 18:03

I can remember going on a few dates with someone and starting to feel it was really going somewhere. And it did. A few months in even my mother was impressed, and had hopes we might get married. Well educated, good family where his mum was very successful, as were his sisters.
Then one day I happened to mention a friend had been for breast implants, but they were so small nobody had noticed. She had them done on the NHS as she had no breast tissue. Then he said…
I don’t really want you being friends with her, only slags get implants!
That was the end of that. I saw him recently, he’s married now with three daughters. It’s clear his wife has had a lot of surgery. None of my business, but I did wonder what he would think if were his daughters!
Then the next one I met, again lots in common, well-educated, he actually already had two daughters. As he absolutely championed them I thought that was a great sign.
Then he explained to me men only champion their daughters. When it comes to partners or wives, in his words…
You are all replaceable. Past 40 you are all hump
and dumpers. Any hole’s a goal, Peggy!
Trying to find someone without this attitude has been a challenge, I can tell you….