Why should you be open tell your spouse everything ?

[nadia11]

Whenever people talk about relationships, I always hear "be vulnerable to your wife or husband, this is the only way to grow the relationship"

Well to me it's also the only way to give your spouse bullets to hurt you whenever heated argument happens. Whatever personal mental or physical health you reveal to your spouse will be used against you to insult you and hit you below the belt or if you talk about any past traumas or even a toxic family member, they will insult you and use your trauma against you to pretty much spit in your face.

My father is like this with my mother. I don't know why my mother even stayed with him.

Whenever my parents would get into arguments, my dad uses my mom's health flaws and always end up saying some of the most hurtful things. He often resorts to personal attacks. Especially when my mother calls him out on something he did that she didn't like.

I am married now. My husband is a decent men but there is a lot of things I keep to myself. Even things he does that turns me off, I keep my mouth shut about them and I make sure not to talk about my bad days at work and if I ever have health problems, I am not gonna talk about them. I would even be willing to keep cancers to myself.

Overall, the worst advice you can give to someone is "be more vulnerable to your spouse" . Why do you tell your spouse everything? You just giving them bullets and power to hurt you In the worst possible ways.

if that’s the case then you’re in a toxic relationship, as modelled to you by your parents. It’s not how a loving partnership should be.

First PP has nailed it - you’ve been scarred by the horrible example of your parents’ toxic relationship. You absolutely should be able to tell the person you share family life and children with about things that make you feel vulnerable. It is unnatural for a spouse to use this information to hurt you. That doesn’t happen in a good marriage. Your parents had a bad marriage.

Your post says everything about the poor relationships modelled for you as a child, and problems in your own marriage. I don’t think I’ve ever heard ‘be vulnerable to your spouse, as it’s the only way to grow a relationship’ be touted as some kind of general advice — the only person I’ve ever encountered who seems obsessed with it is a half-crazed poster on here who seems to inhabit incel web forums and has posted on Mn on a number of occasions about how women exploit male vulnerability once it’s exposed to them, a philosophy he seems to have absorbed because an ex was once mean to him, and from his incel online friends .

That's not an issue of being vulnerable with your spouse; that's entirely an issue of being in an abusive relationship.

In reality, you cannot have a meaningful and full relationship if you don't share anything with your partner. Of course you don't have to share every single thing, but if you can't talk about things that are such a massive part of your life, that's not really a relationship. It's very superficial.

Wow. I'm sorry you have had bad relationships and your parents too. In my marriage some of the times we have been closest is when we have been completely vulnerable with each other - for instance after my husband had a panic attack for the first time and I sat on the floor with him for an hour trying to help him centre himself. I know I can tell him anything and it will be received in the right way.

Well these things seems to happen in all marriages. Your spouse is the one person that can betray you the most.

They honestly don’t. I’m sorry that this has been your experience.

Well men do the same thing to women too.

There's a male poster who starts threads like this fairly often. He's busy screwing up his marriage by treating his wife as the enemy but refuses to accept that in doing this, he's going to end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy where she's inevitably going to give up and eventually meet somebody who isn't afraid to admit to having feelings or vulnerabilities.

It's very likely (unless he doesn't actually care about you much in the first place) that your husband will do the same.

I am not a man but I can understand why he feels that way. Maybe he's been hurt in the past by some bad women.

“Well to me it's also the only way to give your spouse bullets to hurt you whenever heated argument happens. Whatever personal mental or physical health you reveal to your spouse will be used against you to insult you and hit you below the belt or if you talk about any past traumas or even a toxic family member, they will insult you and use your trauma against you to pretty much spit in your face.”

I have been with my dh for 30 years and he has never done this!!!

Good spouses don't want to shoot each other.

If you think, or know, that personal information might be used against you, then you should leave that person instantly. That is not a person who loves you.

Turn this the other way. If your husband told you about a bad day or ill health, do you plan to use this as a 'bullet' later? If so you need to think about being a better human.

Get some therapy. Honestly, it sounds like your parents relationship has completely fucked up how you view them

No I wouldn't.

After being in a long-term relationship we all know the buttons to push to wind our love ones up.
The trick is to learn not to use them in a row. It's very hard to go back from a truly vicious barb.
Our rows were getting worse and worse. Discussed when both calm and set boundaries about what could be said eg can criticise behaviours but not say 'you're just like your Mother/Father/whatever ' or mention his impotence
Whatever is the most triggering
It was the only way to row without us breaking up

Sorry, but loving spouses just don't do that. My dh knows about some of my most personal struggles and insecurities and he's never used them against me. In fact, he treads very carefully and sensitively about things he thinks I might be sensitive about because of my past struggles. So he actively tries to make my world nicer and safer for me. Btw, we have had plenty of disagreements and arguments over the years so we're not perfect, but we've never said anything hurtful in anger.

Or the trick is to protect yourself and not reveal any of your weaknesses.

It’s not a trick, it’s a trauma response.

Do you sincerely believe you should carry all burdens alone every single day of your life? Or would you be open to explore why you feel this way and how you can learn the way your past shaped your emotional “independence” to a traumatic level?

I expose weaknesses in relationships, friendships etc. If they are ever used to mock me or humiliate me or hurt me, I’m out of that relationship. Not people I want to spend any time with.

Or the trick is to protect yourself and not reveal any of your weaknesses.

Then what's the point of being in a relationship/marriage?

You are terribly scarred by your experiences. You need to heal or you will never be happy.

After 40+ years I don't think I can hide ALL my insecurities 😂

My mother raised me to be independent and fend for myself.

Oh this is deeply sad ☹. Being close to people will always carry a risk of them hurting you but the alternative is being lonely and dead inside. No thanks.

I tell my husband pretty much everything. He is my person, I love him deeply with the knowledge that I am making myself vulnerable to him but trust that he will do his utmost to be kind and respectful to me, as I do for him. We aren't perfect and sometimes we get it wrong, but I can honestly say that in 20 years neither one of us has deliberately tried to hurt the other.

Both DH and I are independent. But we’re stronger as a team. His strengths balance my weaknesses and vice versa. On a practical level he does DIY and I manage finances (for example) but that’s true on an emotional level too.