Why should you be open tell your spouse everything ?

[nadia11]

Whenever people talk about relationships, I always hear "be vulnerable to your wife or husband, this is the only way to grow the relationship"

Well to me it's also the only way to give your spouse bullets to hurt you whenever heated argument happens. Whatever personal mental or physical health you reveal to your spouse will be used against you to insult you and hit you below the belt or if you talk about any past traumas or even a toxic family member, they will insult you and use your trauma against you to pretty much spit in your face.

My father is like this with my mother. I don't know why my mother even stayed with him.

Whenever my parents would get into arguments, my dad uses my mom's health flaws and always end up saying some of the most hurtful things. He often resorts to personal attacks. Especially when my mother calls him out on something he did that she didn't like.

I am married now. My husband is a decent men but there is a lot of things I keep to myself. Even things he does that turns me off, I keep my mouth shut about them and I make sure not to talk about my bad days at work and if I ever have health problems, I am not gonna talk about them. I would even be willing to keep cancers to myself.

Overall, the worst advice you can give to someone is "be more vulnerable to your spouse" . Why do you tell your spouse everything? You just giving them bullets and power to hurt you In the worst possible ways.

You'd benefit from some therapy. You are hyper independent and highly avoidant. It's not healthy.

Same! Also it’s unfair to do so, I believe you have to be vulnerable in order to explain your reactions to things, especially if you have trauma.

I’m a very emotional person and in the past have struggled with being reactive. My saving grace is that I’m emotionally intelligent and can clearly articulate “I reacted like this because I felt that, and that stems from this happening”. DP can understand where I’m coming from, and therefore understand me. It’s actually the most beautiful part of a relationship

I’ve had those toxic relationships and those people are vile, I remember one ex saying to me “oh you’ve got OCD and daddy issues, boo fucking hoo”. The moment those things are said it’s over, I showed you my scars and you reopened them for fun

I can’t stress enough that not everyone is like that and I’m forever proud and grateful that I didn’t let those fuckers “harden” me. Be soft OP, it really does pay off

So did mine. I am able to function on my own, financially, practically and emotionally.

However, being scared to reveal my flaws or share my honest thoughts with the people who love me, would indicate a serious problem. Sharing doesn’t make one less independent.

Do you realise it is a trauma response?

Oh - and if you're that man who keeps posting here and being told to get therapy and stop using women on mumsnet as free emotional labour and you think that by switching your sex in your post you'll get away with it - go away and pay for therapy!!

I’m like you. I learnt to be guarded in my marriage because it would always come back to bite me. I’m not a very open person and I find it hard to ask for help.

I recognise that it’s not a healthy way to live though and I have see relationships with a healthier dynamic.

“TheSilkWorm · Today 11:01

Oh - and if you're that man who keeps posting here and being told to get therapy and stop using women on mumsnet as free emotional labour and you think that by switching your sex in your post you'll get away with it - go away and pay for therapy!!”

This.

@nadia11: there a difference between functioning independently and turning yourself into a fortress which is what you’re proposing. My DH and I know each other’s vulnerabilities - we wouldn’t dream of using them against each other. That doesn’t happen in good marriages.

You sound traumatised and unable to see the difference between being independent and being a fortress. Being a fortress is an unhealthy way to live.

Taking your example that you wouldn’t tell your DH if you had cancer likely means you might die when you didn’t need to or sooner than you needed to because disguising the cancer from him would be incompatible with looking after yourself the way you would need to if you received such a diagnosis. Sir Chris Hoye has publicly announced that he has terminal cancer. Do you believe anyone thinks less of him for doing that?

You might find therapy helpful.

Yes absolutely. If you're with someone who would EVER do that, it's not a healthy partnership. If that's your current situation, find a way to leave.

Well we all gonna die one day anyways.

I think you need therapy and I hope you don’t have children as your views are extremely unhealthy

Okay, @nadia11. Like the other poster, you’re clearly not interested in anyone’s views on this but your own - or at least you only value your own opinion on this. Makes me wonder why you posted. Perhaps it helps you to think the toxicity you describe is normal but it really isn’t.

I’ve been with my husband 20 years early next year and we have never in that time ever insulted each other with personal insults during an argument to score points or hurt the other person. If we argue we argue about the thing we’re disagreeing about. If we are not emotionally open with each other then to me we would not be a marriage, we would be a co-parenting team who sometimes have sex.

If I believed even for a single moment that telling my husband I had cancer would result in him using that fact to hurt me in some way then I would divorce him tomorrow!

Well the very obvious answer to this is to not be in or stay in a relationship with someone who would use these things as bullets. I'm not a big one for 'talking about my feelings and vulnerabilities'and neither is dh - because we are just not very emotional heart-on-sleeve people, not because either of us would use them as weapons - that's a totally alien concept to me tbh. I don't understand why you would be with someone who would do that.

"Well these things seems to happen in all marriages. Your spouse is the one person that can betray you the most."

They don't. Even if healthy relationships eventually break down, neither party behaves in a way that attacks the other with their own personal information/vulnerabilities. Even in the case of infedelity most people do not behave this way.

I think you need therapy to help you assess who makes a good partner

You don't need therapy. You do need a clear idea of your relationship requirements. An hour of being honest with yourself and a paper and pen will go a long way. And then stick to your boundaries. For what it's worth, nothing is more toxic than a partner weaponising your past or your problems.

It is a trauma response, but OP is not wrong that it happens a lot. As posts on this board often show. Being a bit guarded just seems like common sense as a woman tbh.

Or it is to hand your husband a loaded gun, knowing that there is no way he would shoot you.
It is the ultimate action of 100% faith. However I know that thought would be impossible for you, because you've seen the misery of your mum doing it, and you don't want to be that vulnerable.
If your husband is happy (or at least okay) with knowing that this is you, that you have to protect yourself, then that's absolutely fine. (I do my fine, not perfect).
If however, your husband isn't okay with that, (especially if he thinks you might be hiding feelings about other people) then your marriage is unfortunately not going to be happy and if you have children they will feel that.

For your info, (as I can only speak for myself), my mum and dad bicker nearly everyday still, but it is bickering, not hatred and venemous arguments. They both have had health problems, and things in their lives that they could bring up. Mum sometimes hides a few things from Dad but they are really minor (like she secretly watches EastEnders) because she knows dad would call it drivel and dumb television). Dad hides the fact that he knows she watches EastEnders as a form of escapism.
To me, that is a normal relationship but again I only have 1 set of parents, and 1 upbringing.

Exposing your vulnerability for any reason is a seriously bad idea, especially if you are in an abusive relationship. They will use that vulnerability as a lever to abuse you even more.

I feel sorry for you. My husband is my confidante. If you can't trust the one you love with your fears and problems then it's a piss poor relationship.

Well these things seems to happen in all marriages.

It's never happened in my marriage.

If this is the norm in your relationship then it's toxic.

In 20 years me and DP have never had a "heated" argument, let alone used our partners emotional vulnerabilities against them.

And if DP ever did that, then the relationship would be over.

So no, I don't see it as a weakness to let DP know my true self, because I trust her. And if she showed that I couldn't trust her any more, then she'd have probably done so anyway.