Ex thinks he's invited!

[Bustin]

My husband and I separated this summer and are going through the divorce process. All very amicable but we were married for 20 years so obviously not straightforward.

Every year a friend has a bonfire party, we've been invited as a family for over 10 years. It is specifically my friend, but my ex has obviously got friendly with that group on friends over the years.

Now to the problem. My ex has assumed he will be invited this year. My friend said she would invite him if I asked, but basically she wouldn't think to invite him other than as my plus one. I would prefer him not too be there and just let my hair down with my friends.

My ex can be stroppy and tends to take things personally. He's asked about the party and I've just hedged so far, but it's next weekend. Do I tell him he's not invited? Do me and the kids go and just not mention it? (Kids are teenagers). We do do family events together, eg we plan to do Christmas day together, but that doesn't mean I want to do all events together still but how do I tell him without him being offended and then probably sulking.

Being clear is much better than hedging and putting it off for so long. I can see why you have but it's a minor matter in the scheme of separation. He's asked about the party and you've not said it's just you and the kids going this year so of course he'll keep assuming he's invited. Unless he's dangerous when stroppy, best to let him know asap as the party is so soon - btw, you asked about the party and this time it's just me and the kids going. And if he asks why, say it's for the best as you're separating, getting used to it etc. There's obviously this grey area if you're still doing family things together so again it's fair that he's assumed - although he has asked rather than taken it as a given. I think it's kinder to let him know and if he's arsey about it then that's proof that you're right to go alone.

Just tell him. You're not a family unit any more so he's not invited. It's rarely a good idea to do too much 'family stuff' together with exes.

You could say he is not your plus 1 anymore so it's just you and the DC's this year. Apart from that it's down to your friend who she wants there. If she wants whatever you want, it's a no.
Who made the decision to end it? If it wasn't him, he will find it harder to adapt.

Agree with first poster - don't hedge! Just tell him clearly. Kinder and less messy in the long run imo

Thanks guys, it's good to have sensible input! To clarify, this is an annual party, but the official invite only went out last week via a WhatsApp group, which my ex wasn't added to. He's not violent, but is a poor communicator, sulky and tends to involve the kids (hence why ex!).

I'll use some of your wording and message him today. I need to confirm Christmas plans anyway so I can make it a shit sandwich 😝

I agree with @pinkdelight

This could have been sorted with clear communication. He's asked rather than assuming he's invited, but instead of saying no you've just dodged the question.

Using the suggestion that he's not your plus one this year is good. Reminds him that the host is your friend not his.

I’m amazed that he thinks it’s you who somehow is in charge of who comes or not.
Surely he should have asked the friend?!?

I think you need to tell him.
And you need to tell the truth. As far as you know, Friend hasn’t invited him as he was your +1 and it’s not the case anymore.

I have to say I’m also wondering why he is so keen to go the same event as you now you’re in the middle of the divorce.
Is it an issue that his social life is basically yours so he is clinging to it or does have any other motives? Like trying to reign you back in, appearances?

You’ve created this situation by failing to be clear, OP. You should have been upfront about him only ever being invited as your +1, and how that’s obviously now a thing of the past. If he sulks, he sulks.

Why on earth did he ask the OP though? Surely she can’t be in charge of the invites and has no say in it?!?
.

He did assume he was coming, when I say he asked I meant he said "do you know the bonfire party? I'm looking forward to it"!

Absolutely agree with the clear communication comments. I need to get out of the habit of appeasing him! I just want to keep it as calm for the kids as possible now. If he sulks with me he sulks with everyone! As I said, there's a reason he's my ex 🤣

Just tell him she set up a WhatsApp group and invited those who she put in it. factual and not your fault. He won't like it, but so be it.

Hi Derek, separating has been really tricky to navigate but I think it’s important we start socialising separately. I am really looking forward to spending Christmas Day together for the kids though. Do you want to come over at 9 for breakfast and presents?

Right I've messaged him! This is what I sent:

"I've confirmed with X & X, they are coming here for Christmas day same as normal. I'm happy to cook or you can, but I'll get the turkey etc.

Btw, you asked about Y's party, it's just me and the kids going this year, so we will be out Friday evening."

My ex is a chef and loves cooking Christmas lunch, hence the cooking comment. He is moved out but popping in most days to see the kids so I need to keep him posted on if we're not home 🙄. I've set up a shared online calendar but obviously that's to easy 😆.

I'm not sure popping in most days to see the kids is a good idea. Can't he have them at his new place? How old are the kids?

Are you sure doing so much together is a good idea? My parents separated when I was 12, and had a similar approach and it was awful. As teenagers, they'll know you'd both rather not be doing it together, which makes things pretty uncomfortable no matter how good you are at acting. Plus, it muddies the boundaries as seen with your ex believing he was still invited to the party.

A few things are essential to do together like parents evening, but for others, it's like ripping off the plaster Vs taking it off very slowly - it might have a smaller initial impact, but will definitely drag out the pain.

Popping by most days? Where does he live?

Absolutely not the best way, but it's what I'm stuck with for now.

We're selling the family home and he's staying with his parents, no space for the kids to stay with him there. The kids are 17 and 13.

I've offered to go out for evenings whist he's here, have set days for him to visit, him take the kids out, I've set up a shared calendar with all of us, and asked him to tell the kids or me when he's coming over, you name it. He doesn't go with any of this, just wants to pop in when he wants, which is normally after work. The kids love him and want to see him, but they are teenagers with their own lives and plans.

You may be able to tell that this is all a bit frustrating! I ended the relationship, so obviously I'm further forward. I just need the house to sell quickly so we can both have our own places!

And yes I know people are going to say that I need to be firm with him and tell him when he can and can't come over. But as I've said he can be stroppy and whilst I don't care, it upsets the kids. He can be controlling and I just need to get me and the kids on to the next step with as few bumps as possible.

Phew! Sorry about the essay, I'll let you know if he replies.

That sounds difficult. Maybe he will realise if he pops over and often finds nobody home. Does he have a key still?

Has he replied yet? Sorry missed your last sentence!

He sounds difficult in that he behaves like a stroppy entitled man-child if he doesn't get the answer he wants.

Suspect your life will be calmer and happier without having to constantly appease someone like that.

I would suggest on a day he 'pops over', you immediately go out for a couple of hours. Your children are old enough to survive without you if he leaves before you return. He may try to emotionally blackmail you to return before he leaves. Don't rise to the bait. Just be vague. You need to be very vague about your plans. He's being controlling to punish you for the split. It sounds like he is coming for Christmas dinner but you need to be firm on boundaries. It may take a while for your house to sell and he might be obstructive, so the sooner you detach, the better for everyone. Been there, got the t-shirt!

If he’s coming back home and spending Christmas together etc, then you should be comfortable enough to tell him he’s not invited to the bonfire.

Its not nice to tell him he’s not invited but it’s even worse to let him think that he’s invited and then he’s actually not.

I don’t understand how you can spend Xmas together but not bonfire night?

This set up isn’t ideal but I see you’ve only recently separated and there’s no right way to navigate it.

The main thing is to communicate clearly and have set boundaries (and communicate these), this party is a great way to learn how to communicate and create your boundaries because you’re going to need these things in a few weeks time.

For now, both do whatever you need to to coparent and get through the separation but you both must learn to communicate properly, else it’s going to get very messy.

Huh. So you've kicked him out of the family home, he's living with his parents, and he's now finding himself losing his friends too.

"All a bit frustrating" indeed.

@Bustin sorry but when did you get promoted to his entertainments manager??? I would just tell him straight that they are your friends, not his. he should go and contact his own friends. even for christmas I would not be entertaining him, certainly never having him in the house again. he can see the kids for a couple of hours on christmas day if he wants but christmas dinner is you and your kids. not him. they are old enough to think it is just weird for you both to be there in your home when you have split up! make it clear and let him huff all he wants. nothing to do with you!