Ex thinks he's invited!

[Bustin]

My husband and I separated this summer and are going through the divorce process. All very amicable but we were married for 20 years so obviously not straightforward.

Every year a friend has a bonfire party, we've been invited as a family for over 10 years. It is specifically my friend, but my ex has obviously got friendly with that group on friends over the years.

Now to the problem. My ex has assumed he will be invited this year. My friend said she would invite him if I asked, but basically she wouldn't think to invite him other than as my plus one. I would prefer him not too be there and just let my hair down with my friends.

My ex can be stroppy and tends to take things personally. He's asked about the party and I've just hedged so far, but it's next weekend. Do I tell him he's not invited? Do me and the kids go and just not mention it? (Kids are teenagers). We do do family events together, eg we plan to do Christmas day together, but that doesn't mean I want to do all events together still but how do I tell him without him being offended and then probably sulking.

I would stop the popping in and I would also cancel the “family” Christmas. You are not together - you need firm boundaries - otherwise he will carry on with this arrangement and you won’t move forward.

This. He needs to realise that those people he thought were his friends, were in fact only tolerating him so that they could socialise with the OP.

He also needs to stop just turning up at the house uninvited as if it's his own, which I'm assuming it isn't.

Although I agree with you in theory, I’m not sure it would work.

It is his house just as much as it’s OPs, so he can come and go as he pleases.
He doesn’t need to leave at all.

She broke up with him and so technically she should have been the one to move out.
He has done her a favour by being the one to move out.

If OP doesn’t want to spend Xmas together, then she should go to her parents for the day.
It would not be fair for him to not be allowed in his own home or spend it with his kids, when he’s done the ‘decent’ thing by moving out.

I definitely think boundaries should be put in place but it sounds like the home is being sold pretty soon and it’s probably worth staying as amicable as possible until then.

OP needs to tread carefully as he could easily try and make things difficult, whereas at the minute he isn’t living there but that could change if he starts to get petty.

She needs to have firm boundaries but also play the game until she sorts out what she needs to and the house gets sold.

I bet he just turns up to the party as he knows when and where it is and seems to have a poor grasp of other people's boundaries.

I feel for you OP. It's clear you know this arrangement of him in and out of the house is not feasible long term but you're keen to keep the peace till. Fwiw I think you're right as there is an end in sight - the house being sold. At that point you can have a my place and yours attitude.

My now DH was actually like this with his ex when I met him. He was renting and used to being in the old family home for events. Their shared lives had revolved around her extended and very close family - he moved to this country to be with her and they built on her parents' land along with her other siblings. Over a couple of decades pretty much everyone he spent time with socially was through her.

Did you look after most of the social diary and did your ex get lazy about developing and maintaining his own friendships?

I was pretty unsettled by it all, not the being around her family but his lack of awareness that he /we weren't really welcome. I think he genuinely thought that most things would stay the same except now he'd have me along and she'd have her boyfriend. His ex wanted her privacy and to rebuild her life. I sort of explained it to him and he listened to be fair. Their separation seemed to happen in phases; first the end of the relationship, then new partners, then reduced interactions, then only essential.

My brother is also the same; strolling in and out of the house when he feels like it, annoyed that his ex's family don't include him in invitations. He has a girlfriend and a separate apartment but still wants access to preferred parts of his old life.

I hope things improve for you.

Good text OP

OP do you really want him there for Christmas day?? The first year my daughter's day and I split up, he came on Christmas day, and I can tell you it wasn't pleasant for any of us. We actually have a really good relationship now, but it was pretty strained when we split up.

I found it really unsettling when my dad dropped by unannounced after my parents split up. How are your kids handling it?

He wasn’t included on the what’s app invite he’s not invited. I had a very acrimonious divorce and still have him blocked on my phone 17 yrs later but I have encountered people very invested in “doing things together post divorce”. It depends of course on the reasons for divorce…abuse and infidelity for me…but not all divorces are like this. Friends DO have to choose and often the choice is hurtful towards one half of the marriage. He seems to want to attach to you and in someway continue as before. I would
think private party as opposed to a holiday is a good place to start. Surely your
friends know you are divorcing. I would
also say…don’t worry he will
have a girlfriend soon enough but based on previous posting that may not be enough to make him be independent of your original family unit. But you will also be in a relationship and your new friend may not like the familiarity. I understand treading carefully but this is a good place for him to start recognizing things will not be as before.

OP, well done for managing to divorce amicably. Sometimes that is just not possible, but when it is, it is great for the kids.

It's a tricky balancing act though- having boundaries that make things clear for the kids and help you rebuild your life, and truly change the status quo, while maintaining functioning relationships. It's hard to know where to draw the line sometimes.

It's still pretty fresh and you both need time to adjust. Sometimes people just don't think about stuff,(like a party invite), and these little things can come as shocks. Two months after my separation, my husband let himself in to the house with his own keys.... he also started cleaning my downstairs toilet, 'to be helpful'. Eeew. Was terrible boundaries, but it wasn't malicious, and ... on me saying 'you shouldn't be doing that anymore', he looked a bit shocked but then never did. We all have to adjust. I think in this phase, firm without judgement and a little compassion, would work.- especially if you are not in distress.

If he doesn't adjust or seem to care/respect your boundaries, then I'd say you should be getting a lot sterner by the new year!

Well done for being clear about the party. If he writes in protest, stay firm but simple. "I understand it's a change, but we have changed and need to adjust. Sorry if it's a disappointment."

Good luck!