Boyfriend loves me but is so scared for the future

[Walkerio]

Me and my boyfriend have been together a year and a half. Everything has been going welll and he is the love of my life. We have are ups and downs and recently we have been going through a bit of a rough patch where we have been bickering over silly things. He’s turned around and asked for space as he’s confused, I’ve honoured that space to him. But he’s now saying he loves me a lot but is so scared for the future as is worried that we will be bickering in 10 years time. I’ve tried to explain that it’s normal for couples to bicker but you just have to work through it together but he doesn’t seem to understand. I’m heartbroken and confused that he’s willing to throw our relationship away over bickering.

What do you mean exactly by "bickering"? I mean, everyone occasionally has disagreements but constantly arguing and falling out is tiring and stressful.

I don’t think it’s normal to bicker. I’m married 5 years. No one ones to live like that. You are not compatible.

How long have you been together?

I don’t think I bickered with my now DP when we were dating. He may have a point. What are you arguing about?

Been together a year and a half.
it’s not a argument, it’s bickering over small things like something on the tv

I don't bicker with my husband. Why do you communicate like that?

We don’t do this, never really have. I don’t think it’s normal especially only 1.5 years in.

I don't think bickering is normal either.

My ex husband and I used to bicker. In the end it became absolutely soul-destroying. Constant bickering over small things is no way to live. It’s stressful, tiring and miserable. And it’s not ‘normal’ in a relationship

My current partner and I never bicker. Our home is a restful place. Sorry, but I don’t think you and your boyfriend are compatible.

Bickering over TV is something siblings do as children. Frequent bickering as adults is exhausting and not everyone would find it normal. It perfectly reasonable thats he considering whether or not he wants a relationship that involves this type of dynamic

Do you want to stay with someone where there is constant low-level conflict?

If you want to save the relationship it needs an honest discussion around why there is this conflict and a commitment to communicate differently in future.

Sorry, OP, another one here saying bickering is not normal and it slowly poisons a relationship. You need to find another way of communicating.

If you're constantly bickering/squabbling/arguing to the extent that you're on different pages and you're only a year/18 months in I'd revaluate your relationship. It sounds like it's not really for the long haul.

His feeling of not wanting to be in a relationship with endless bickering is valid. You're wrong to try and "explain" it's normal. It's not normal. If this was a man trying to tell a woman she was wrong to be worried, you'd be getting flamed.

You're not compatible. Let him go.

I think a 'rough patch' in a relationship that's only 18 months old means that you're not really that compatible.

Endless bickering is tedious and not something I consider normal in a relationship.

Bickering isn't normal. How on earth would you cope with children in the mix, or when one of you goes through something really stressful in life if you are falling out over the TV?! Call it quits now, you're not compatible. If you find you bicker in every relationship and that's why you think it's normal, then you need to look at yourself.

Not sure how old you are but the term “love of my life” is really unhelpful. It puts so much pressure on the relationship, and it’s really unnecessary. Your BF is a man you love very much but there are in the world other men whom you could love just as much. And if you’re bickering all the time, that’s a bad sign and suggests you’re not compatible.

You shouldn't be bickering over petty stuff no. As it's exactly that. Petty. Being petty is irritating. You should be laughing. Talking and engaging. Compromising. Not being petty. It kills the attraction etc. Because when you are debating and being petty you feel negatively towards the other. There's no room for pettiness in something long term.

It really depends on personality. I used to retaliate by bickering early on in our relationship (we were young) unconsciously mimicking my parents' (very unhappy!) marriage. I didn't think too much of it, I didn't really "mean" it so I didn't think too negatively of it, but my now DH hates that kind of negative communication and it goes much more skin deep for him. It niggles and impacts him more, he too would turn around and say "we're not getting on" and I would be thinking but it's such daft things, anyway I had to grow up and change the way I communicated (because it was me, that might not be the case for you and you can't control your boyfriend's actions) and sure enough I quickly realised that bickering is a choice, not an inevitability. If something annoys you, you can raise it factually, kindly, without it then descending into a bicker and sure enough the relationship felt much happier for it. This was 20 years ago now.

I have to say that bickering can be very damaging to relationships. DH and I never have proper arguments, I don't think we've ever shouted at each other, but the bickering is soul destroying! There have been times when we don't even want to be near each other because of the bickering. I've seen it affect the kids, I've seen other people raise their eyebrows when we start bickering. It really is death by a thousand cuts and can make you feel like shit.
I think your partner is very right to be concerned and fear for the future .
However, on a positive note, you can come back from it. So we've had periods of bickering, but I'd say for the last few years, we've managed to stop the cycle. You really have to make huge efforts to change the way you communicate.
Every time you want to criticise or make a point, just hold your tongue! It takes practice but it's doable. Now when I want to point out something negative about DH I instead say something kind. I make efforts to be loving, affectionate and supportive rather than bickering with him, like he's an annoying younger brother.
If he starts off, looking to bicker, I diffuse it by not reacting, or by saying "Come on, let's not bicker." Every time we do start bickering, one of us will say "Let's talk to each other nicely".
Obviously, DH has to make as much effort as I do. It's a two-way thing. We're both much happier now, though. There were times when I wanted to divorce him because of the bickering, but we've overcome it.
The thing is, if you're bickering now, when you're still in the early stages, it's not a great sign. We only started bickering after we had kids, and life became stressful and exhausting.
You really need to nip it in the bud now and learn how to communicate differently. Relationship counselling will help.

We don’t bicker - is that the environment one or both of you grew up in? Chances are it was your family if you think it’s normal. It’s time to break the cycle: who wants to live like that or bring up kids in that environment?

He's right, you have big problems. Bickering is a sign of something deeper going on.

Sorry op, I'm with him. Bickering is exhausting. Dh and I can slip into it at times (but we're 20 years in and some things just become annoying), but I couldn't live like that. We're friends with a couple who Bicker all the time. Nights out with them are tedious, as you just sit and wait for them to stop. I don't know whether they think it's flirting or cute or what. It's bloody annoying is what it is.

@Walkerio Can you give an example?

Put an end to the bickering

If you can't agree what to watch on TV then get another TV for the bedroom.

If you can't agree on what to eat then just eat what you want and let him sort out what he wants.

I agree with the others - constant bickering isn't normal and it's tedious and soul destroying.

I have to agree with the above posters. We argue. But we don’t piss each other off over the tv. I’m happy to watch what he suggests and vice versa or sometimes I say no to something so he watches on his own if I’m out.

I’d call time on your relationship.