Losing the Love of Your Life

[ByHardyCritic]

My ex and I ended things over a year ago, due to something traumatic that happened to someone in my life, but had just as a profound effect on me. Ever since then I have just been single and have tried talking to a couple of other guys, but it was such a turn off and not because he was on my mind. Throughout the relationship we had our ups and downs, and it did bring up trauma in me that I didn't even know existed. Yet at the same time, I fell madly in love with this person. Even though he is probably dating someone, the connection I feel for him has never died out. And I believe that he has felt the same. Idk if he had a personality disorder, but there was definitely a few things off about him. Even though we had our good times, and me wanting to be a safe space, he opened up a tiny bit, with just surface level stuff, but nothing ever truly deep. I would bear my soul to this person, and I don't mind doing it to this day, because the love I feel for him, is just that overpowering and I want to shout to the rooftops. I know it may sound stupid to even want to have a future with this person, but I love him, despite the emotional rollercoaster I experienced and many other emotions. However, when I think about him or when we were together and I would be in his presence or look at him. I always saw his inner child just wanting to be loved as well as mine and I just see greatness inside of him, despite his flaws and his avoidant tendencies. As well, as far as focusing on myself. I have been trying my best to do that with everything life throws at me.

Just asking and not saying he is, but do you think a narc can transform?

Has anyone ever been with a narc who changed and how long did it take?

Do avoidant personality types always have a deep connection with at least one person?

What you feel for him isn't love, it's a trauma bond: more like an addiction and withdrawal than anything else. He's your heroin.

Just work on moving yourself on from it and him.

Why do you assume that is not love that I feel for him?

As well, isn't love the strongest drug ever?

That isn't love. Inner child and avoidant? Narcissistic. None of that is good and the fact you can't see this is worrying. Get some counselling first.

Because you describe something tumultuous,

• that triggers your trauma,
• that felt "off",
• that you think your ex is disordered,
• that you think he's a narc,

and that it was an emotional roller-coaster. Intense highs and lows usually appear in unbalanced, dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

All these things are not healthy and speak to it being love's evil twin: trauma bonding.

Healthy love doesn't actually look like that, it's not a roller coaster.

Whatever you want to call what you feel is fine, but - it is just a feeling and you need to do what is healthy for you, not what is self-destructive.

You made some good points. I guess I don't necessarily know what healthy is or feels like.
😄Never heard that term used before, Love Evil Twin, which makes sense.

I am in counseling. My trauma did not start with him, it just came to the surface I guess you could say, when I was too far in.

I'm going to be brutally honest with you. There is no such thing as ' the love of my life'. There are billions of people in the world, there will be literally hundreds of thousands of people who are perfectly lovely and who you could be happy with. There isn't only 1 person for you, that is really just a romantic notion pushed on us.
While you continue to think that he is the love of your life you won't find another partner. You will be ignoring others who are right in front of you, you won't be seeing the good in them, and frankly you are wasting your life. Take a deep breath, stop thinking about him, make a conscious decision to do something different today.

Honestly save yourself the hassle.

This isn’t love. He’s told you what you want to hear. You barely know him. You can’t force yourself to be someone’s safe space. He may not even be capable of feeling safe when close to someone. And even if he is he isn’t suddenly going to treat you well, he’ll still drop you when he can’t cope with the feelings

As a pp poster said this isn’t love, it’s addiction. I’d add to a fantasy version of him.

Get some therapy to work out why you are reeled in by emotionally unavailable men.

Are you the same poster whose ex has moved on years ago and now has a pregnant girlfriend?

Good point, love and typical female gender roles are often pushed onto women at a degree that is sickening. When I say the love of my life, I mean first love. I felt love for previous partners, but nothing to this level, and it feels amazing yet scary at same time. I am not against being with someone new, but part of me is a little scared. A part of putting myself out there is also leaving myself open to getting hurt, and I truly don't want to go through another heartbreak. But I have made a decision to be honest with myself and change my thought processes, so I guess that is a start.

What????

Narcissists don’t change. They have no interest in changing or it could destroy them. Stay away and do the work you need to do so that you don’t get caught by another one. From experience, staying single is good. Learning to be content on your own and also learning to listen to your gut.

Good point, I never thought of that: He may not even be capable of feeling safe when close to someone. What do you think that is or where does that feeling come from?

I guess empaths are kind like magnets to emotionally unavailable people.

I think you’re confusing him with the person you thought he was, hoped he would be, wanted him to be with the person he actually was.

He was a fantasy, let it go .

I have heard that they don't change. And I can't rightfully say that he is one. I have heard of how they can destroy the people that they're with, but I have never heard of change destroying them. I am at a point in my life where I don't necessarily like being single, but I am okay with it.

I think narcisssism is a condition caused in very early childhood by emotional neglect, if they’re confronted by the reality of their personality it would destroy them. Something like that. They can destroy the people who love them because they don’t care about anyone, it’s all about the public show. They need the supply of attention and love and will use manipulation and deception to maintain it, with no regard for the effects it has on the people around them.

i was about to ask that...

Okay, it makes sense, which I think when the trauma bond may be comes into play, because empaths or I believe those with anxious attachment style deal with emotional neglect to a certain level. I have heard about supply and how there is always someone or others in rotation. But at what point does it get truly draining and depressing for people with that personality disorder. No true connections will ever be formed, yet at the same time I believe that is what they truly want. It is a confusing cycle. I don't want to label him, because that is a very complex subject and I at times feel like that term gets thrown around too loosely.

I don’t think it does get depressing for them. That’s why they never change. They manipulate the world so that they always have what they want, and nothing is ever their fault.

It's never a good sign to think in relationships that things could be great if only they'd change. People have to be extremely motivated to change and it often takes years.

It suits this man to stay as he is.

If he isn’t capable of feeling safe, it will likely come from childhood trauma - but that doesn’t mean you (or anyone else) can fix that. He would need to put the work in to learn to trust others.

I think sometimes you can form meaningful friendships with people who are unable to feel safe. BUT you will have to do almost all the giving and forgive a lot of bad behaviour, and really not want anything in return. That can be bloody difficult in a friendship but is impossible in a relationship. You need something from a partner. You can’t love him into someone else.

I think sometimes one of the hardest things when you see the potential in someone is recognising that that is just your fantasy. If you inhabited their mind you probably could fulfil that potential - but they may not be capable of it. That’s sad and hard to accept. But will save you a lot of bother if you can.

I was also coming on to say that the “love of your life” terminology is inaccurate and unhelpful but you have addressed that. And yes, first love is very intense but most of us aren’t with our first loves and for good reason.

And as @category12 has flagged, what you describe is not a healthy love in any case - healthy love makes you feel secure, content and confident. This sounds tortured.

And what you say about seeing his wounded inner child who just wants to be loved: that kind of talk is just you giving him a licence to treat you badly with the constant excuse that he had a difficult childhood. Plenty of people have tricky childhoods and don’t treat their adult partners badly because they have seen what bad treatment looks like and recognised it to be unhealthy. And allowing him to get away with treating you badly doesn’t help him either. He has no incentive to address his behaviour if he doesn’t experience consequences for it.

Have you read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood? She has helpful insights into these topics.

Your style of posting is remarkably similar to a poster last night.

@GrazingLamb
I think you are right.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5201222-im-i-just-a-fool?page=3&reply=139512764