How to say no to MIL

[nothankyouno]

Hi All. Have name changed for this, so grateful for any advice.

Long story short, I have a very difficult relationship with my MIL. The backstory is novelistic (is that a word?) but I have tried to include the relevant parts below.

DD2 is three months old and I am on maternity leave. MIL would like to come round twice a week whilst DH is at work (and DD1 at school) to see her. She did this with DD1 - letting herself in the house, waiting impatiently and staring whilst I breastfed her, criticising and questioning everything I did (ranting and crying because she hated the name we chose, shouting at me for using white noise when baby slept, being offended if I dressed DD in anything but hand me downs from her other grandchildren), belittling me ("why does she not sleep through the night at six weeks? MY children did" and "don't you like being much thinner?") and when DD was fed and changed would seize her and carry her off, doing loud performance parenting in her native language (which I do not speak) and expecting me to bring her drinks and food until baby needed feeding or changing again. These visits were dressed up as "help"... I suffered badly with post partum depression and the shock of being a new mum and I sort of complied, was polite and let them continue until I went back to work. It was truly awful.

DH has asked me if she is able to do the same for DD2. I have said no, absolutely not - he has to be here and really she should only come once a week. His working pattern means he is at home two weekdays and one day at the weekend. I think this is a pretty reasonable compromise. He will (reluctantly) tell her this but she will not want to accept this and will likely accost me to ask why when she next visits. What can I say that is short, to the point and that she cannot argue with?

Thank you so much for the offer but whilst dd1 is at school I want that time to be saved just for 1:1 time with the new baby. You can of course come round on xx day.

Then stick to it! Of she knows about the pd from last time you could also add the white lie of "and the midwife has recommended this"

"He will (reluctantly) tell her this"

Nope.

You don't need to be saying no.

He does.

He needs to do it willingly and forcefully.

He needs to sort this for you.

His mother, his problem to solve. You’ve been very reasonable in agreeing to once a week given her past behaviour. He needs to step up and be your human shield!

Enjoy your lovely new baby.

Take that key away from her!

As others have said - Your DH really needs to be setting boundaries here, and make sure she doesn’t have a key if she uses it to let herself in when you don’t want her to! But I can see that even if he does this, it’s likely she will directly ask you why.

I would suggest something very blunt - “I’m sorry MiL, but you really overstepped with DD1 and I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t want that again.” And if she acts surprised or denies it then “If you can’t even see it, it’s bound to happen again. So I think this is best.”

But you need to consider - will it make any difference? If not, I would suggest something like - “You need to talk to DH about it when I’m not around.” (tell him you’ll be saying this and that it’s up to him to decide what to tell her).

Crucially, don’t stray from whatever you do decide to say (and don’t get into giving examples that she will deny or tell you you misunderstood. If she won’t accept it, she isn’t going to accept anything else either and it really isn’t up to her whether or not your reason meets her standards. Say it nicely, don’t get riled up. If she badgers you, you need to say something like “MiL, I’ve told you why. If you can’t accept it, I’m sorry, but it doesn’t change anything.” You can also tell her she’s not welcome at all if she isn’t prepared to be nice to you in your own home. Be prepared to walk off/go up to your room/go out. Don’t accept any criticism from her. If she is rude to you, pull her up on it immediately. “Please don’t be rude to me, especially not in my own home.”, “I’m not listening to criticism this time round, MiL. Keep your opinions to yourself.”, etc.

Equally, though, try to give her an opportunity to enjoy her GDs and complement her when she does things well, is nice aoround you, etc. It’s difficult when you’ve been sensitized by bad experiences in the past, but if you can try and have some tolerance for her different approaches. She has a different culture (I assume from the language comment) and is of a different generation. She will most likely really have your DDs’ welfare at heart even if not yours.

Be honest tell her she over stepped with dd1 and you are not willing to let that happen again. She visits when dh is there to facilitate it. I would also leave them to it and use the time for a rest.

Thank you all so much for replying, many wise words.

@roadrager @TheGirlattheBack DH will tell her no. I say reluctant as he will tell her no, but most of their conversations include him calling out some aspect of her unpleasant/overbearing/entitled behaviour and they do argue quite a lot. He does stand up with me on the big things too - including on DD1's (perfectly nice, normal Top 20) name. She does not seem to get why her behaviour or request is problematic - and suspect that if she did understand, she would not care. As this is the case, she will likely ask me directly when she next sees me (today) as to whether she can come and why not - and I want to be prepared.

I wish he would minimise contact with her but he is not prepared to do this. I have had a decent amount of counselling over the years as her behaviour has really impacted me and our marriage - the last counsellor was brilliant and made me see that I do have choices and the ability to set boundaries and stand up for myself, rather than being continually respectful and deferential at my own expense, so I am keen to put this into practice and to enjoy my leave. Her visits ruined my first leave - I felt continually angry and anxious having her constantly there when I felt so down, sleep deprived and vulnerable.

I do not think that she is an amazing grandma but she would not hurt the girls - DD1 is pretty indifferent to her, although she loves and is close to her aunties and cousins.

@EMary12345 @RawBloomers @dogfail I am working on a combination of your responses. Whilst I do not want to be rude, I do not want to permit any wriggle room or any further conversation. I also don't want to give her the satisfaction that she makes me miserable, either.

@Jux to be fair she only came around on pre-arranged days... it is just that my mood fell through the floor everytime I heard a key in the lock and knew it was not DH...

Please put a stop to this now op

You may well
Offend her by saying no but that's her problem not yours.

I wish I'd put my foot down about the constant popping in and turning up and commenting on our life,house,parenting etc years before I actually did because I look bak and see how miserable it actually made me.

Luckily an argument ensued over something unrelated three years ago between dh and parent and it finally put boundaries in place and dh sticks to them with an iron rod now.

‘Oh, didn’t DH already talk to you about that? It’s probably best to speak to him again’.

‘Everyone (midwife/doctor/mumsnet) has said that it would be better this way. I want to at least try.’

’To be honest, I’m worried it will damage our relationship MIL. I wanted to throw a fucking cast iron frying pan at you last time, and I just can’t see you forgiving me if I actually do that’.

And change the locks before the baby arrives!!!

You don’t have to always be the bigger person sometimes you can match the energy of difficult people because they rely of other people’s socialisation to get away with their behaviour.

Why has she got a key to your home?

I’d be leaving a key in the back of the door so she can’t get in, or changing the lock after “losing my key” and not giving her another one!

She has a key to our home because she came to feed our cat whilst I was in labour with DD1. I don't mind her having it as she has not used it to break in without pre-agreeing a time to visit; it is just that I do not want her to visit without DH being present. If she ever used it randomly it would be taken away.

MIL is coming round today as mentioned and DH and I have already had an argument about it. (to go back to key, she will knock as the latch will be on the dooras we are all at home!) It is such a shame as she is all we argue about - we have such a happy, harmonious existence the rest of the time and I want things to change. Whilst he does stand up to her, tell her no etc he is always at pains to try and defend her. I brought up the comment I said earlier in my OP and he said that in their culture it is normal for people to comment on weight and she comments on his too. I said that it was not acceptable to hide behind cultural norms to excuse inappropriate behaviour. It boils down to motivation - he feels she is looking out for my health (which I think is entirely farcical, to be honest, who comments on a mum's size just after she has given birth?? I am not close to overweight in any case) whereas I think that in every interaction we have she is simultaneously trying to put me down and big herself up at the same time. DH says he does have my back but I don't feel as if he does.

I would be out today when she comes over and let dh deal with her. I absolutely would not put up with any of this. My in laws are nice but of a different generation and mindset (overly religious and judgemental) and I let dh deal with them. I’m polite but not really there.

I would love to @Spagettifunctional but this is the compromise I have suggested and agreed to - that she can come and see DD2, but DH has to be at home. DD2 is breastfed and will not take a bottle so I have to be here too.

It is easier with DD1 as I no longer have to be around, and will get easier as DD2 grows up as she will be able to be left,but equally I feel that this is my home and my precious weekend time with my children - I should not have to leave to accommodate her.

That sounds awful! How long was she staying for on each of those days?!

If she asks you about it, have something prepared to say…‘it’s too much for me you coming round twice a week and staying for x. I’m too tired and have too much to do. If you want to come round, come on x day when DH is here.’

Then leave them to it-go and have a bath/nap, put washing on, etc etc

If she’s rude, have some pre-prepared statements. Or just tell her that’s not very nice and leave the room.

DG must handle BUT if she accosts you in any way I think you must be ready to say something along the lines of…
“I’m terribly sorry but I didn’t find your visits helpful when DC1 was little - and if anything they made me stressed and I felt constantly criticised - so I want to avoid the risk of that occurring again. I hope you can respect my needs in regards to this”

Remind dh he made vows to you so his obligations are to you and your wellbeing.. Ask if he lied when he made them. Practice a few stock phrases in her language... If she tries to take the baby tel her thanks but baby is fine right now.. In her language so no chance she didn't hear/understand.. Take yourself off to your bedroom to bf for some privacy..

OP you said you don’t want to be rude to her - but she is rude to you so its ok to decide you aren’t going to be polite to someone who isn’t polite to you.

Be rude.

“you behaved really badly after I had dd1 and so I don’t want to entertain you without dh being here this time.”

tell your dh that cutting out people who are rude and insult other woman’s body shape is your cultural norm.

I'm overwhelmed by how much support and helpful suggestions I am getting on here - I know this isn't AIBU, but I honestly thought I would be told to let her come and let her comments wash over me. Thank you all.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel your last sentence is epic. Just what I needed to hear - and I will.

@Stormyweatheroutthere MIL is Eastern European. I can understand what she says more often than not these days following language leasons but hugely resented the years where the family used to sit around the table and chat in this language and I did not understand/could not join in.

Dh and I were very young when we got together - if I had been as old/empowered following years of reading Mumsnet threads as I am now I would have knocked this on the head years ago.

It's ok to say " I know you've been told that I don't want to talk to about this."

@Shinyandnew1 She would be here 3-4 hours each time. I will definitely follow your advice. It's the pre-prepared statements I need to work on. I know I have been very direct on here about my feelings but irl I am generally gentle, smiley and respectful - whilst I feel huge stress when she is here I often don't react very quickly to what she does/says and then wish I had acted differently at the time, which leaves me feeling impotent and angry.

Snap the key in the lock- get them changed and do not give her a new key.