Please help me improve

[Kansas123]

I am new here, I am also male but wanted some female perspective, I just want to improve so I can be a better partner.

I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years, we live together for half this time. For context I am 47 and partner is 41.

The issue is I go weeks without affection, not even a cuddle unless I do it. She admits she is not affectionate and I have discussed this on a numerous occasions as I need a little bit of affection not much but a cuddle every few days to keep me emotional connected. We both agreed to communicate, so sometimes I might say something like feeling a bit disconnected and I get back that she is not enough for me and it makes me feel awful to think I have upset her.

My partner love language is receiving gifts and I often buy thoughtful gifts or personal things that I create, she loves the gifts Also likes acts of service. Partner likes her hair being brushed and loves foot massage so I do this every night. However she knows my love language is physical touch and as I said it goes weeks without from her and then all of a sudden she will cuddle me and give me affection for a day or two. This appears to be a monthly cycle.

It has come to the point I get sad and feel unloved/unwanted. I now don't communicate this as I don't want her to be upset but this causes issues as she can read me like a book. If I did ever say something I would always say it's me but it would be nice if we did this for example but I have stopped as it always gets turned back on to me and get told shouldn't being feeling like that.

She says I will cheat on her which I would never do, every other relationship she has had that has happened, I think that's a disgusting thing to do and think if it ever gets to the point that you think that, you should end the relationship.

I am terrified of losing her, should I continue communicating and is it normal for a male partners to want affection? Also would you be upset if your partner asked for a little bit of affection if they felt it was missing?
What do I need to do differently ?
Am I wrong to feel unloved/unwanted?

I also encourage her to go out and see her friends she has 3 very close friends, however every evening she will be on her phone messaging them all night and ignores me apart from wanting me to brush her hair, I have said a couple of times that she don't listen to me when I talk , as she might start a conversation and then back to her phone and doesn't listen to what I am saying in response. However I stopped that as i upset her and was told I am high maintenance. This is a side note and was probably rude of me to ask her to listen, as I do actively encourage her to meet and talk to her friends. On occasions she has cancelled plans with me to go out with friends at last minute and I have never said anything about this but it makes me feel second best.

I sympathise with your situation OP. Your sadness comes through in your post.

The issue is I go weeks without affection, not even a cuddle unless I do it

Weeks? This is so extreme.

Wanting that physical connection is natural for most people, including women. Me and ex partner held hands everywhere we went.

and get told shouldn't being feeling like that

You get told you shouldn't be feeling like that because it's convenient for her. Your feelings are totally reasonable, so she doesn't just get to cancel or delete them like that.

every evening she will be on her phone messaging them all night and ignores me apart from wanting me to brush her hair, I have said a couple of times that she don't listen to me when I talk , as she might start a conversation and then back to her phone and doesn't listen to what I am saying in response

Wtf? OP, I'm wandering why your partner is in a relationship with you. Are you sure sure she's not using you for something?

What you've written makes it sound like she's not physically attracted to you, not interested in you as a person. She's quite happy to get gifts from you, and to receive non-sexual touch that she could get from a hairdresser, but she doesn't want to actually be physically close to your body.

I'm afraid I don't see a future for you. She's just not that way inclined. Instead of agnosing over her on here, I really think you should invest your time & affection into someone who wants to return it.

Agreed it sounds odd dynamic. Almost as if she's a doll.

It sounds like the woman keeps him at a massive distance, and every now and again she will 'let' him do something to or for her. I would bet on the fact that she doesn't find him sexually attractive at all, to put it kindly.

I asked if she is physically attracted to me last night, she said course she is. I have my doubts though. I need to think what I want to do. She has contacted me saying we really need to sort this out and she is upset.

I also don't want to be the cause of any upset for my daughter. Who will be with me this weekend as any disruption will have a negative impact on her as well.

Your brother’s wife is correct. One person cannot bring the love of two people to a marriage.

Is it possible that you just love the version of her you have built up in your head, and the real person is actually somewhat different.
She is throwing you scraps, and she obviously doesn’t like you very much.

Maybe she lied! Her actions as opposed to her words are what you should be looking at.

Maybe she wants the comforts of the relationship as it is and can’t be arsed with being by herself.

This is a situation where maybe starting again is the best idea. Start with showing affection, bit by bit, small step by small step - start verbal, start with actions like helping at home, start with small kindnesses, then progress to gentle arm round shoulder etc.

I remember getting into a situation with my late OH where he was so intent on intercourse all the time (far more often than I could manage or desire) and all the small affections stopped. If he was sad, I could not give him a hug because it would take about two minutes before he was trying to get my knickers off - so no small kindnesses were able to happen and we had periods when we felt very apart.

Maybe talk with her - tell her that you miss a sex life, but can see that it feels more than she can manage at the moment but that you do not want to lose all kindly physical contact and loving gestures. Find a way to get these back as a first step. If even these prove too much, then you will know that things are not likely to resolve.

I have sympathy with both sides of this partnership - he wants to get some normal closeness back, she wants life to be easier with fewer demands. It is very hard to solve. But very very common.

@TheShellBeach -
Wow you really are desperate to make this poster feel rubbish aren't you! Laughing at them and mocking them in front of the entire forum.

He quite clearly has been reasonable in his request for advice, so if you don't have anything productive to say, just don't say anything at all.

Such a bullying attitude is uncomfortable to read when someone is being vulnerable.

Just like to say thank you for all the advice given I really cannot thank you enough for taking the time to comment.
I am still hopeful of saving the relationship but I think from the comments from here have helped me tremendously to see things more clearly and from other perspectives, also from talking to my sister in law. I need to stop giving all he effort as my sister in law said it's not fair and I am easy to walk all over as I do to much for people close and I deserve to be wanted and would be by many which was a nice comment, but she said I need to value myself higher then i do. So I have booked therapy to help with that.

I hope you know that you are not the issue here, and neither is she TBH. You are incompatible in the affection stakes and no amount of trying or therapy will change that for either of you.

Those of us who enjoy affection need it to feel loved, those of us who don't just don't need it and dislike offering it. Ne're the twain shall meet.

You can choose to try and force yourself into something you are not and be unhappy if you wish but I couldn't recommend it in the long term. Both you and she deserve to be happy, it doesn't seem as though either of you will be with each other. There are few things lonlier than being part of a couple where one needs affection more than the other can offer.

This

Therapy won't change the fact that you're not on the same page with intimacy and affection. It would help if you found someone who will reciprocate and is more in tune with you.

It sounds as if she is being very selfish. You have to brush her hair and rub her feet every night but you go for weeks without so much as a cuddle from her. That's not fair and it's cruel.
Why are you afraid of losing somebody who is not affectionate, if you say you need affection? You are not compatible with this woman. You can find somebody who is affectionate. Do you know how many women out there who would be thrilled to have an affectionate, gift giving, foot rubbing partner, one who is willing to change in order to improve his relationship, even though he is apparently not the problem? That is exceptional and your stock trades high.

That's a step in the right direction. Therapy will probably help you to see more clearly that staying in this relationship is not in your best interest.

Jeez- ditch the awful girl friend and find someone who actually appreciates you

The days where she is more affectionate ? Could these be during ovulation ? It maybe hormonal issues tbf but it's not fair on you the cuddling part but not fair on her to feel its a chore. If there is nothing underlying it is a compatibility issue

Yea I think these are during ovulation so I need to understand that.

Well there is huge hormone surges that make you want to make babies, you also tend to feel the prettiest / sexiest and have the best feel good hormones !

When you talk about “affection” do you mean cuddles or sex? Do you have a sexual relationship?

What you’re wanting isn’t unreasonable. I know that I’m someone that needs lots of hugs and cuddles and tender physical affection, not everyone is the same. So when dating after leaving my marriage I needed to make sure quite early on that potential partners were compatible in that way.

If my partner told me he thought my love language was receiving gifts and services, I don't think I'd want to hug him either.

I wonder what your partner says when you mention this..?

I have never said they are her love languages, this is what she has told me

Affection I mean cuddles and maybe a kiss here and there.
We do have sexual relationship maybe once or twice a month normally.