Please help me improve

[Kansas123]

I am new here, I am also male but wanted some female perspective, I just want to improve so I can be a better partner.

I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years, we live together for half this time. For context I am 47 and partner is 41.

The issue is I go weeks without affection, not even a cuddle unless I do it. She admits she is not affectionate and I have discussed this on a numerous occasions as I need a little bit of affection not much but a cuddle every few days to keep me emotional connected. We both agreed to communicate, so sometimes I might say something like feeling a bit disconnected and I get back that she is not enough for me and it makes me feel awful to think I have upset her.

My partner love language is receiving gifts and I often buy thoughtful gifts or personal things that I create, she loves the gifts Also likes acts of service. Partner likes her hair being brushed and loves foot massage so I do this every night. However she knows my love language is physical touch and as I said it goes weeks without from her and then all of a sudden she will cuddle me and give me affection for a day or two. This appears to be a monthly cycle.

It has come to the point I get sad and feel unloved/unwanted. I now don't communicate this as I don't want her to be upset but this causes issues as she can read me like a book. If I did ever say something I would always say it's me but it would be nice if we did this for example but I have stopped as it always gets turned back on to me and get told shouldn't being feeling like that.

She says I will cheat on her which I would never do, every other relationship she has had that has happened, I think that's a disgusting thing to do and think if it ever gets to the point that you think that, you should end the relationship.

I am terrified of losing her, should I continue communicating and is it normal for a male partners to want affection? Also would you be upset if your partner asked for a little bit of affection if they felt it was missing?
What do I need to do differently ?
Am I wrong to feel unloved/unwanted?

I also encourage her to go out and see her friends she has 3 very close friends, however every evening she will be on her phone messaging them all night and ignores me apart from wanting me to brush her hair, I have said a couple of times that she don't listen to me when I talk , as she might start a conversation and then back to her phone and doesn't listen to what I am saying in response. However I stopped that as i upset her and was told I am high maintenance. This is a side note and was probably rude of me to ask her to listen, as I do actively encourage her to meet and talk to her friends. On occasions she has cancelled plans with me to go out with friends at last minute and I have never said anything about this but it makes me feel second best.

Love languages are a theory that you have misunderstood. Her love language is not RECEIVING gifts. That's not a love language, that's being a spoilt princess!

This isn't a good relationship for you. Why are you so scared to lose her?

It sounds like she’s taking the piss out of you, sorry. Stop being her service human every day if she can’t even be bothered to be nice to you more than once a month.

Partner likes her hair being brushed and loves foot massage so I do this every night.
then she ignores me?
How does this occur? does she say 'time to brush my hair', it's quite bizarre and doesn't seem at all like a sexual relationship.

“nomorehocuspocus · Today 17:49

Forget 'love language' and start thinking about how this relationship is making you feel. You aren't happy and that is all that matters. You don't need to change yourself and try to accept the way she treats you - and she sounds extremely selfish from what you've said so far. She's a taker not a giver, and I very much doubt she loves anyone except herself.”

This with bells on.

House equity is ringfenced to me.
I do love her that's why I do not want to lose her.
Yes basically asks me to brush hair.
We do have sex about once or twice a month, I would like more but I suppose all men would.

You say you don’t want to lose her but honestly what does age bring to your relationship and your life?

Can you tell us her good points?

You've all been suckered in here, he's talking about sex, it's a euphemism.

Like every bloke that joins Mumsnet. A stick to beat the poor woman with.

I think this is probably true. It's why, even after being told many times that if the relationship isn't meeting their needs, they should move on, they keep refusing to do so.

What they're really looking for is women to give them hints on ways to coerce or pressure their current partner into providing more sex without the hassle of having to hit the dating scene again.

I am also at a loss to see what you are getting from this relationship? It seems … well weird TBH. With the hair-brushing can I ask is she from an East Asian country? Where did you meet her?

The whole thing sounds very dysfunctional. I would cut my losses.

She has plenty of good points. She will always try to help me if I am struggling with something apart from the relationship.
Will do jobs around the house that I am not so good at.
When we have conversations when she is not on phone , she will give advise and be on my side.
She is lovely and loving to the pets, she also is very good with my daughter who is 14 and stays with us 3 weekends a month.

Try the 'show me a recipe' or whatever it is line then.

My DH already knows that my love language is receiving gifts.

😂😂

So essentially, OP - this is just yet another post by a man who wishes he got more sex.

Sigh.

Next.

Sorry if that's come across that way but it not about sex.
I just want to improve levels of affection. This is the issue for me, a cuddle or a kiss now and again would be great, I don't know how to communicate that though without upsetting my partner.

I am really thankful for the replies on here it has helped me understand a bit more. Thank you to all those that commented.

I do love her and want to make it work , however I think every relationship does need mutual affection and due care. I will try again to speak to her about this.
I just don't know the best way without making her feel upset and in the past I always end up taking responsibility for everything.

So she's never been affectionate, but despite this you've bought a house together? I suspect you've had doubts for a while, otherwise you would not have felt the need to ringfence.

@Kansas123 have a look at Jefferson Fisher's FB page for ways of getting your point across.

Thank you to everyone that commented, we had a discussion. I gave my point of view that I need affection. The reply was women don't need affection only like it at certain times in the month. She said I have a misconception of how relationships work.
I have therefore asked for space and stayed at my brother's house last night

😂gave me the ick too!

You shouldn't have to feel sad and unwanted. If that's how you feel then she's not meeting your needs. If your rubbing her feet and brushing her hair and buying her presents and not even getting your back rubbed and a cuddle back then your going to have an uneven relationship. Things that aren't balanced affect the person who's going the extra mile!
I don't like comparing everything to my own relationship. I'm just starting to leave a crappy relationship. Every single part of it was one sided and crap. It was abusive and mentally exhausting. But I always went the extra mile. I put in 95% and he put in 5% in my opinion. He was similar where sex was only important when he was going through a stage. If he didn't want it for 6 months. I just had to accept it. But there were times he wanted me everyday for 6 months then for a year he'd barely go near me.

It was the same with emotional support. He didn't want to hear about my day/job/friends etc but wow I had to listen about his mental health and difficult past on repeat. I always listened and validated. Yet I was starved of my needs being met.

Your terrified of loosing her because her actions are telling you that your not safe and she's not interested and your not important. You should wake up in the morning and know your partners not going anywhere.

"The reply was women don't need affection only like it at certain times in the month." Does she speak for all women? Completely not true and she is dangling you, she doesn't care about you, she cares about what you provide for her, this is all very one sided. She doesn't even cuddle you. You love her but she doesn't love you. Wanting a conversation is not high maintenance.

"It has come to the point I get sad and feel unloved/unwanted. I now don't communicate this as I don't want her to be upset" again you are afraid to speak your mind, to tell this woman how you feel.

You need to understand from the outside this relationship looks terrible because it is terrible. Your needs are not met, both emotional and physical, you are sad, you feel unloved, you shower her with gifts, hair brushing, massaged feet, what does she do that you want?

I would maybe think about therapy to ask why you seem to want to work at this relationship that makes you sad.

Yes my brother's wife was talking to me last night. She also suggested therapy as she said without wanting to say to much that emotional rejection can really have a detrimental effect.

She was saying relationships need to be 50/50 in all aspects, and said they knew that this relationship had issues with affection just from what they have seen.

She said women like affection and should like to show affection to their partner it's a mutual enjoyment, and if you care for your partner you will know the things they like and make them feel loved and do it not out of a sense of duty but enjoyment as making your partner happy is what a relationship is about and that in turn should make yourself happy.

OP I’ll say the same as I would say to a woman posting similar - why are you not operating her treating you like shit just to pick up the few scraps she throws when she can be arsed?

This is to one sided. It’s all about HER. What she wants, what she needs and you’re expected to sit like a good little boy waiting to catch the crumbs.

Sorry OP but they’re no future here unless you want to live a life where the soul is gradually sucked out of you.

Please get out as soon as you can.

Your sil sounds great.
Most people/ women do like effection.
Your dp is fobbing you off.