Sexless marriage

[UrbanGirlWithStyle]

Hi ladies,

I know this is a quite a common topic on these threads, sorry to add another one but I’m at the end of my tether.

I have been married for just under 2 years. My husband is a kind and supportive man and I know he loves me.

A bit of context, before my husband I had a very violent, abusive relationship which resulted in me becoming incredibly underweight and unwell. My husband is the typical “ nice guy” which wasn’t my usual type but I feel with him I’ve really fallen for someone safe and the complete opposite of my ex.

Our sex life has never been brilliant, although in the first years before we got married we would have sex I would say every 2/3 months which isn’t ideal for me but I could cope with that because I love him and sex isn’t the most important thing to me.

However, since we’ve been married we haven’t had sex at all. In almost 2 years. There have been moments when I think we will have sex but then he just shuts down and isn’t in the mood. He says he is trying and is just overthinking it. Or, we go to have sex and it just doesn’t work…

Another issue is we both want children… but how can we have a child if we aren’t having sex at all?

This lack of intimacy has caused huge problems in our relationship as I find myself seeking validation from other men. I haven’t and wouldn’t physically cheat but emotionally I find myself straying and that is absolutely not what I want to do, and I’m stunned that it is something I am doing! I’ve been really open with my husband about this and have shared my feelings and that I’m straying and he doesn’t seem to care.

I know there is no other woman, and like I said he is the most supportive, attentive man and will do anything for me.

I just don’t know how much longer I can keep up the facade of perfect home, perfect life, perfect marriage when I don’t feel a physical connection with him now. I’m in my early 30s and feel it isn’t fair on either of us to be living life like this.

I also wonder if he’s simply just not attracted to me any more. If anything, I’ve lost weight and care more about my appearance now then when we first met, but maybe he’s just not into me?

Has anyone had experience of coming back from being in a rut like this? He’s been to the doctors about low sex drive and has been given psycho sexual therapy and medication and still no luck.

Any advice would be incredible.

Also, before anyone mentions about my emotional cheating, I know it is absolutely awful and just as bad as physical. I just can’t seem to stop myself seeing some kind of connection because I feel really unwanted. It’s something I’m working on and I know it’s horrid.

You aren’t going to like it but the only advice I have is that you need to leave him.
His lack of interest in sex will eventually destroy your self esteem.
It isn’t going to get better and you cannot change him.

To be honest I think I know that is the solution but it also terrifies me that I won’t find someone as kind and supportive. After my ex, I always thought as long as I had someone that treated me well I would be happy but this lack of intimacy is really making me feel so undesirable.

Yeah, it's not gonna work if you want a family. We haven't had sex for around least three years, but neither if us is bothered and we are done with kids so it's fine. I do day dream 😊 and night dream to be fair about sex, but that's as far as it goes.

I think if we already had a family it would be okay but we can’t even say we are trying for a baby if it’s not working…

Part of me thinks if he was happily married he would be actively trying

It's not going to get better. I was in a sexless marriage for 6 years. Great friends but no sex. Turns out he was gay.

Its not normal for a man to go off sex so young. Is he not knocking off a woman at work?

I was in a very similar relationship, he was kind, generous, selfless and everything my horrid ex wasn't but the lack of intimacy eventually took its toll and I left him (after counselling and lots and lots of talking) my relationship now is absolutely everything I've ever desired. We have sex more than once a week (and we have children!) we are open and share our fantasies with eachother, I've never felt more loved, sexy and wanted. You deserve to feel that too! X

How did he come out?
to be completely honest this is my thinking. We are absolute best friends and get on so well but there’s something I can’t put my finger on!

No, he works from home and barely leaves the house which is another annoyance! He isn’t struggling with mental health, just enjoys his own time and likes gaming a lot.

Seems to just have no sex drive at all towards me !

Does he have a skincare routine, comment on men on TV, have a moustache or any other signs?

I’m so pleased for you. It sounds exactly like my situation. It is just a really sad situation because he’s such a lovely man and I have a lot of love for him but I’m so fed up of not feeling wanted or sexy!

Hahaha no. No signs at all of preferring men but I have asked him before and he’s adamant he’s not. He’s quite typically masculine aside from being a lot more caring than others I’ve dated

Do you initiate and take the lead?

You've asked him!! Most men would hit the roof if their wife asked them in all seriousness if they were gay.

You do get masculine gays I suppose. If I were you I'd be going full on miss marple on his devices to see what he looks at.

Yeah to be fair he is really reactive when I ask him and is adamant he’s not. I’m really open with him and have explained how it makes me feel and he does seem to understand and appears frustrated at himself, then I feel bad that it doesn’t seem to be something he can help.

Basically you've got a great friend in him, not a partner.

I think this will get worse for you, not better, as you've got half your life ahead of you and you can't rely on having children (or the menopause later on) to kill your sex drive, it doesn't for plenty of women. In fact sometimes the drive gets stronger as you get older.

You're so young to be looking at a sexless rest of your life.

Just because he's a kind and supportive guy, doesn't mean he's right to be your husband.

Yep!! Even when we are on holiday though with no distractions there’s nothing. Each time I try I tell myself I won’t try again because it upsets me so much to be rejected, but I keep trying because I really want it to work.

He's definitely atypical of most men of any age let alone one in early 30s. TBH he aint gonna change at this age and become a rampant horn dog so make your peace, get a lover or divorce and move on. Without physical intimacy a couple is dead. You cant even blame kids!

This is a massive issue the, or would be for the vast majority of couples. What was the sex like when you did used to have it? Does he have a reason? I'm assuming he gets erections okay and has normal physical function, if not he needs to get checked.
Does he masturbate?

Sounds like you have a housemate not a lover OP.

And it's totally understandable in seeking validation from other men in such a set up. No sex in two years of marraige? That would mess with anyone's head.

If you cannot see this changing you have an obvious decision to make.

Says in the OP his dick sometimes doesnt work.

Leave him. He doesn’t fancy you, for whatever reason.

Maybe he's asexual.

Get an annulment.