Sexless marriage

[UrbanGirlWithStyle]

Hi ladies,

I know this is a quite a common topic on these threads, sorry to add another one but I’m at the end of my tether.

I have been married for just under 2 years. My husband is a kind and supportive man and I know he loves me.

A bit of context, before my husband I had a very violent, abusive relationship which resulted in me becoming incredibly underweight and unwell. My husband is the typical “ nice guy” which wasn’t my usual type but I feel with him I’ve really fallen for someone safe and the complete opposite of my ex.

Our sex life has never been brilliant, although in the first years before we got married we would have sex I would say every 2/3 months which isn’t ideal for me but I could cope with that because I love him and sex isn’t the most important thing to me.

However, since we’ve been married we haven’t had sex at all. In almost 2 years. There have been moments when I think we will have sex but then he just shuts down and isn’t in the mood. He says he is trying and is just overthinking it. Or, we go to have sex and it just doesn’t work…

Another issue is we both want children… but how can we have a child if we aren’t having sex at all?

This lack of intimacy has caused huge problems in our relationship as I find myself seeking validation from other men. I haven’t and wouldn’t physically cheat but emotionally I find myself straying and that is absolutely not what I want to do, and I’m stunned that it is something I am doing! I’ve been really open with my husband about this and have shared my feelings and that I’m straying and he doesn’t seem to care.

I know there is no other woman, and like I said he is the most supportive, attentive man and will do anything for me.

I just don’t know how much longer I can keep up the facade of perfect home, perfect life, perfect marriage when I don’t feel a physical connection with him now. I’m in my early 30s and feel it isn’t fair on either of us to be living life like this.

I also wonder if he’s simply just not attracted to me any more. If anything, I’ve lost weight and care more about my appearance now then when we first met, but maybe he’s just not into me?

Has anyone had experience of coming back from being in a rut like this? He’s been to the doctors about low sex drive and has been given psycho sexual therapy and medication and still no luck.

Any advice would be incredible.

That was my first thought reading your OP, to be honest, though if course there could be all sorts of reasons for someone not being interest in sex. Either way, it sounds like a fulfilling relationship for you involves a sex life (I totally agree with that!), so, sadly, I don't think you can be happy and fulfilled with him.

whenever we have the discussion he always comes back to sex not being the most important and mentions he’s gone to the doctor etc so it could be a medical issue. It then makes me feel guilty that it could be medical and I’m so unhappy about it!

It really does feel like a niggling feeling in the back of my mind. Either that, or he just doesn’t have the attraction to me! I’ve been reading a lot about lavender marriages

It may not be the be all and end all but it is important and it’s important to you.

He needs to talk to his GP, it sounds like he has physical problems with having sex, getting, keeping an erection, becoming aroused, there are treatments for these things, hormonal supplements and Viagra type stimulants. If he wants to to have a child it needs sorting out.

But saying 'I've been to the doctor' isn't an answer - what did the doctor say? Is there a medical cause? What are the next steps?

I get totally that you don't just go 'oh well bye then' with a relationship that seems so positive in so many ways. But this situation can't go on indefinitely. It is normal to want and have sex with your partner and to want children, these are quite ordinary things to expect and you shouldn't have to feel tortured about them.

I think it's more than likely that if you stay in this marriage you'll be in the same situation in ten years time. He might be gay, he might be asexual, there might be another reason for his lack of interest but it's highly unlikely it will change. It would be one thing if you'd had a good sex life to begin with, but that's not the case. Sex has never featured much in your relationship.

You were understandably looking for someone kind after your abusive relationship and he was able to give you safety and stability. But he's never going to be able to give you a full relationship, even if you manage to fall pregnant at some point by him.

I really think you need to find out if he’s gay, sorry!

I would tell him you’re consider ending the marriage and getting it annulled. If he really wants to keep this marriage he needs to stop trying to guilt trip you when you raise it, and actually try and do something about it. It’s not normal, and if its like this now, chances are if you did have sex and got pregnant, you’d never have sex again. Who can blame you if you did look elsewhere. I personally would end the marriage. Good luck

I have some experience with this situation. Sexless marriage, but it’s not what I signed up for.
Anyway, we have DCs. I used ovulation kits to know exactly “when to strike” and with a lot of unromantic hard work and luck we conceived quite quickly (several times).
The problem is, as soon as you have DCs, leaving the relationship becomes a far bigger deal. And having DCs makes sex challenging for even the friskiest of couples.
There is no reason to believe his lack of interest is temporary or fixable and if it’s upsetting you now, it will only get worse. I have felt so desperately lonely in my marriage. I have often cursed myself for not being smarter in the early days and walking away.
Marriage doesn’t really bond you for life, but DCs do. My advice is don’t have DCs with someone you already feel lonely with. Reclaim your freedom and build yourself a happier life.
Some people don’t seem to need sex, but most of us do. It’s how we feel loved and wanted and intimate. As you are already finding, you can’t switch that off. Time won’t change that.

You need to leave him I'm afraid, he was what you pendulumed to after your awful ex, but he's no good for you either (obviously I'm not equating him to a violent abuser in the slightest). You deserve to be happy with a man who is not only not abusive but also who you have mutual sexual compatibility with, these men do exist