What's the difference between finding someone attractive and a crush?

[kinsey681]

I don't know what the difference is. If you fancy someone, you fancy them right? Or can just acknowledge that someone is attractive but not fancy them? I don't quite understand when people say that.

Thoughts?

No, it's still not the same. I used to work with a man who was very attractive and sexy. I noticed it of course and briefly pondered wow, he's gorgeous, if I was single I'd be all over that.

However, thats where it stopped. When he wasnt around, I never thought of him, I didnt fantasise about him, I didnt imagine us together, I didnt wonder what he was doing when he wasnt at work, I didnt care who he was dating etc etc He didnt enter my head at all.

A "crush" is a THOUGHT process whereby you create a neural network about that person which involves constantly thinking the same repetitive and fixated thoughts over and over again about that person. It involves fantasy creation and imagination which induce feelings of craving for them and sadness at not having them. It causes a fight or flight physical response whereby you feel nervous around them and may blush or get flustered in their presence. All of these physical sensations arise from the constant thoughts you are thinking about the person. A crush isnt something that just happens to you - you have to feed it with your thoughts. If you dont feed it, it will subside. That doesnt mean you wont find the person attractive still but you wont be "crushing" on them.

A crush involves you actively feeding into a thought process.

Ah OK, so you're a man who's been told by a woman that she thinks you're attractive but doesn't fancy you, and you don't understand the difference.

Am I wrong?

No, I'm a woman. I haven't been told anything like that.

I struggle to see a difference. If you find someone attractive romantically/sexually, is that not just fancying them?

The difference is like this - think of a cold drink that you enjoy and quite like (say coca cola as an example).

On a normal day when you aren't particularly thirsty, someone offers you a glass of cold iced coke. You think 'that's nice. I like coke. I wouldn't mind a glass of coke'. It's nice, you like the look of it but you could take it or leave it. If you drink it, you'll enjoy it but if you don't have it you don't really care. You are attracted to the coke. You quite fancy the coke but you don't have a crush on it.

On another day, you are on holiday in a hot hot country and you went out the night before partying big time. You wake up with a raging hangover, thirsty like hell, it's very hot in the room and you are sweating like a pig. Your throat is dry and you are sooo thirsty. Someone offers you a glass of cold iced coke. My god! You want that coke. It's all you can think of. If that that person takes the coke away, you will chase after them until you get it. You need that coke. You can't live with out it. The coke is everything to you. You must have it. You have a crush on the coke.

A crush keeps popping up on these threads, its so American so im inclined to believe its a load of horseshit

I suppose crush is the American term for 'fancying someone quite a lot'.

If I think someone is attractive it can mean that I can see why people find them attractive. Example: Brad Pitt. I can see objectively that he is a very handsome man but I've never lusted after him etc.

A crush is finding someone attractive and daydreaming about them/ making an effort when you see them/butterflies etc.

Attractive: she’s pretty, he’s good looking (like you can acknowledge a beautiful friend, a handsome celebrity).

crush: damn he’s gorgeous, I wonder what it would be like to touch him, sleep with him, going to sleep imagining scenarios where you’d bump into eachother and flirt, fantasise during sex / solo time etc.

There's three different levels as I see it (but everyone interprets the words differently)

1. finding someone attractive - can objectively see that they are good-looking or have an appealing personality or both, but don't want to shag them.
2. fancying someone - finding someone attractive and wanting to shag them
3. crush - want to shag them but there's also a slightly obsessive element to this beyond the feelings involved in point 2 "fancying someone". So imagining scenarios with them, thinking about shagging them, daydreaming about them etc

Eeeek! Just realised this is your third thread about your husband working with a woman who is young and pretty. We cannot rationalise your feelings about this.

You need to talk yourself down.

This isn't about my husband's apparent crush, no! This is more general. What does talk yourself down mean?

You have become quite anxious, it seems.

I think loads of people are attractive but don't fancy them.....in fact it's quite rare for me to fancy someone but I see multiple people I would describe as "attractive" daily.

In fact, I'm 100% heterosexual and can still objectively say if I think a particular woman is attractive or not. I can see a woman walking down the street or in the supermarket and think she's attractive/good looking/pretty etc. I've never once fancied or had a crush on a woman.

Similarly I can see an attractive man and not fancy him. Although it would be rare for me to fancy a man I didn't find attractive.

I'd maybe describe fancying someone as when you find them sexually attractive (as opposed to objectively attractive) AND there is a bit of chemistry there or a spark

Completely agree. Actually fancying / crushes are extremely rare. But I am in a committed relationship so I’m not looking elsewhere for chemistry.

I think a crush implies that not only do you think he is attractive, but he makes your heart beat faster and you feel a bit flustered and distracted in his company. It is less controlled and more debilitating than just thinking "What an attractive man".