To date a good man

[Holibobby]

I have a male friend who I’m really close with, he will literally do anything for me and I’ve noticed he’s always there. But things got a little awkward around Valentine’s Day when he got me flowers and card and for my birthday got me a card with deep words on it.

Ive never gave him the impression that this is anything but friends, never been any flirting or anything said. However, I’ve noticed that my life is so much easier when he’s around and I really enjoy his company.

My dating history involves a string of good looking narcissists who have taken me on adrenaline rides and as a single parent I’ve never let any of these men into my life properly as they’ve not been the type I would want around my DD. However with my friend he fits in perfectly with my family and friends. BUT I don’t fancy him. I don’t know whether it’s becuase i feel calm around him and relaxed whereas in the past it’s been chaos and I think that’s what had me hooked to those idiots (after a lot of therapy and self-awareness too - I’ve recognised this).

My question is I’m completley happy on my own (I’m 35) but there’s a little part of me that thinks maybe I should try and date again (maybe him) but I also don’t want to just settle for the nice guy and feel like if I didn’t fancy him it wouldn’t be fair. Also when we meet up he lingers for ages and I start to feel a little suffocated but I think that’s just because I’ve got so use to my own space.

I don’t know what to do. Any helpful suggestions?

Only you know the answer. I married a man I respected more than I fancied and it’s been my best decision ever, but I had no way of knowing that at the time. What are your friends best assets?

@Overtheatlantic That’s lovely. He’s amazing with my DD, he’s so kind, generous, funny, good company, good to talk to, hard worker, laid back, goes with the flow, good listener, tries to make my life easier in lots of ways.

Do you think he is attractive, as in he would be to others?
Maybe as he's been just a friend and there is none of this 'adrenaline' you've had with the narcs (been there, done that), you can't see him in that way?
There's usually that rush at the start where you get that attraction, which you've missed out on, but if you were actually dating, do you think that spark would grow?
He sounds great OP!
You may be happy single now, but will you be happy single at 40 when you want to date and realise just how many of the narcs make up the pool of single men?
Maybe take it slowly with him, you could find yourself forever regretting letting a good man go if he gave up and settled down with someone else....

Tough one. Don't let a friend pressure you into a relationship - I've been there, and it doesn't end well. But from who you describe him, he does sound like a lovely guy. And honestly if he is a good person he will still be a friend to you even if doesn't work romantically.

From my own experience - when I met my DH I was dating several guys, and he knew this. One was literally model good looking, 6'4", high income - but I just knew deep down he was a player. Younger me would have chased after him like an Olympic sprinter. Older wiser me knew that my reserved, kind, thoughtful, stable DH was the one I could be truly happy with. I do find him attractive too though, but for his qualities as well as his looks.

No idea what you’re asking, unless someone comes along where you have everything, why would you initiate the depressive torment (for you and for him), of settling? He’s your friend and it’s great to have good friends, you could lose that if you’re not careful. Especially as you say you are fine alone, which judging by your post, I don’t really believe is the case

The attractive 'narcissistic' guys you were dating probably saw you as just short-term fun. Eventually, they’ll settle down with someone they view as their equal—someone they’ll treat better because they see her as on their level.

I have seen this pay out so many times.

He sounds lovely, and for some couples romance can be a slow burner. You said you don't fancy him but I guess the crux of it is- how do you feel about shagging him?

I wouldn’t. You should have some therapy and figure out why you’re only attracted to men who treat you badly.

No I wouldn’t advise a relationship with him.
If you don’t fancy him now then in years to come he will give you the ick.
Keep him at arms length, see him as a friend and only that.
Sounds like he is putting in a lot of effort but they all do that at the beginning.
If you but him cards buy funny lighthearted ones.

@lolstevelol Most Narcs don’t settle down - they pick a victim who will stay with them and put up with them. It’s clear you have very limited knowledge around how narcissism operates - the problem lies with the Narc - not the person who has come into contact with them.

So that short term analogy you mentioned isn’t always 100% true! I was with one for 10 years which was anything but ‘short term’ and ‘fun’

@Holibobby - have you read Women Who Love Too Much? She discusses what you’re describing, I think. It might help
you work out whether you could develop a physical attraction to this man, who sounds lovely.

@Dery No I’ve not read it, this was on my list a while ago, I will order it, thank you :)

Going against the grain a little but I think it's a terrible idea to get into a relationship with someone you don't fancy. If you don't fancy them at the start you won't want to go near them in 10 years' time. You need to let him find someone who does fancy him

I'd say pass, you feel suffocated by his friendship, I don't think you would stay in the relationship anyway if that's how you feel. Not all good looking men will be unreliable as you've experienced before, its their personality flaw anyway! it's finding the balance of someone attractive and reliable, don't make the the puzzle fit, just wait until it's with the right one however long that takes.

I agree, I made the mistake of dating the friend, the one who was there for me after years of an abusive situation, I believed I had a solid foundation with him that would grow to love, and I was attempting to make “a sensible choice”, but I was vulnerable at the time and it was a stupid move. He was a gorgeous looking guy, kind and funny, I just never got to the point of having that spark. It wasn’t there, it’s not nice to play with peoples feelings like that, even if that was never your intention. When someone hears you are into them and want to date, they would likely not be up for it if you told them you aren’t attracted to them, but are trying to be because there are so many other boxes ticked, and they should at least be aware that that’s the situation so they can consent or not consent to that dynamic if they choose to

I can’t see any good reason for doing this. You currently have a good friendship. You’re currently happy being single. Why try to shoehorn a relationship out of this when it doesn’t seem as though you feel your life is particularly lacking one right now, and there’s ultimately quite a bit to lose - both a friendship and potentially some of your own self esteem and confidence - if it ends poorly. It’s doing both of you a disservice to try it just because he’s nice and kind and a better man than your exes.

I think either you need to date him properly or back off a bit from the friendship. He clearly wants more and you're not being fair to I'm currently.

How does the idea of seeing much less of him make you feel?

@Bigstyle I don't think I'm leading him on in anyway as there's no flirting, we don't really spend any time on our own as he's my DDs friend's uncle so its always when I have my DD and he has his niece, so there's no alone time. I take time responding to messages as he's always asking me what im upto etc and If Im free on certain days and I am rarely free so I only see him maybe a couple of times per month.

You think it's usual for that sort of relationship to lead to valentines cards and flowers and someone who will "literally do anything for you"?

Honestly, OP, I think you need to take some responsibility for this. You are choosing to date these men. You chose to stay with one for a decade. Throwing around armchair diagnoses of ‘narcissist’ (by which you just mean ‘someone who mistreated me’) just puts all the blame on the other person by making it sound as if they have a clinical diagnosis of a disorder.

Some of this is on you. Look at the language you use about your friend— he ‘makes your life easier’, ‘he’d do anything for you’, and you’d be ‘settling for the nice guy’. You make him sound like an adoring Labrador who’s only waiting for the word. You have absolutely no reason to think he’s up for a relationship, based on ‘deep words’ on a birthday card, and giving you stuff for Valentine’s Day. For all you know he feels sorry for you, assumes (on whatever basis) that you’re not happy being single etc.

You clearly have a nice friendship via your child and his niece, so leave it at that. But I’d assume if you only ever see another with the children, and have never made the transition to seeing alone another outside of that context, it’s possible it’s just a situational friendship that currently works for you because the girls are friends. Would it last if the girls drifted apart or fell out? Would you want to transition to going for a drink without the girls?

I don't see why the choices are to date narcissistic horrible men or go for one you don't fancy. Surely there's a middle ground here where you can wait (as you are presumably not desperate for more children) and find someone you do fancy but is also a nice dependable person. I mean, having a partner is not compulsory and at the moment, you get the benefits of his friendship which are good, but imagine then having sex with him and if that's an 'ugh' then no, don't do that to him.

@Drom I've been told by his family and friends that he has feelings so it's not a case of feeling 'sorry' for me or my lifestyle. I am living a very good and happy life (which has taken a very long time to get here). Yes, I agree with you and I take full responsibility for dating men that I've allowed to mistreat me in the past, however, this was only mentioned to contextualise my current thoughts.

He's asked about meeting lots outside of the girls, but I have felt that may be blurring the lines and it wouldn't be fair if he thought of us meeting as a 'date'.

The issue is he's never been in a relationship and has quite an obsessive personality (in the past he's also pursued another friend who wasent interested in anything more - now he doesn't speak to her)

I'm not acting on anything, it's just a thought and wanted to gain some clarity.

The issue is he's never been in a relationship and has quite an obsessive personality (in the past he's also pursued another friend who wasent interested in anything more - now he doesn't speak to her)

It's a definite no then.

If you were very keen to have a relationship, I’d probably advise you to think about whether you could explore that with him. Physical attraction can sometimes build if someone has all the other qualities we’re looking for.

But you’re happy on your own, so what would be the reason to date someone you’re not even attracted to?

How would you feel if he met someone else?

If you wouldn't care then he's probably not your man.

If you'd be bothered, then maybe there's a small spark of something there...