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Original poster

To date a good man

32 replies

Holibobby · 01/11/2024 00:26

I have a male friend who I’m really close with, he will literally do anything for me and I’ve noticed he’s always there. But things got a little awkward around Valentine’s Day when he got me flowers and card and for my birthday got me a card with deep words on it.

Ive never gave him the impression that this is anything but friends, never been any flirting or anything said. However, I’ve noticed that my life is so much easier when he’s around and I really enjoy his company.

My dating history involves a string of good looking narcissists who have taken me on adrenaline rides and as a single parent I’ve never let any of these men into my life properly as they’ve not been the type I would want around my DD. However with my friend he fits in perfectly with my family and friends. BUT I don’t fancy him. I don’t know whether it’s becuase i feel calm around him and relaxed whereas in the past it’s been chaos and I think that’s what had me hooked to those idiots (after a lot of therapy and self-awareness too - I’ve recognised this).

My question is I’m completley happy on my own (I’m 35) but there’s a little part of me that thinks maybe I should try and date again (maybe him) but I also don’t want to just settle for the nice guy and feel like if I didn’t fancy him it wouldn’t be fair. Also when we meet up he lingers for ages and I start to feel a little suffocated but I think that’s just because I’ve got so use to my own space.

I don’t know what to do. Any helpful suggestions?

OP posts:
Makesthehome · 01/11/2024 13:22

It sounds like you have been using this man because he makes your life easier.
It’s really not very nice to lead people on in this way when they have feelings for you and you do not return them.

Imagine if it were you with the feelings, would you want to be strung along like that… or for the person to pretend they fancy you, when they don’t? Would you like months, years, or decades of your life spent with someone who has settled for you, when you could have had better?

Let this man go and let him find someone who loves and fancies him, too.

By settling with him, you would be blocking yourself from finding a better match, too.

Let this poor man go, please. Don’t hurt him (you will eventually if you don’t fancy him), when he has been so good to you, he doesn’t deserve that.

Drom · 01/11/2024 13:29

Holibobby · 01/11/2024 12:55

@Drom I've been told by his family and friends that he has feelings so it's not a case of feeling 'sorry' for me or my lifestyle. I am living a very good and happy life (which has taken a very long time to get here). Yes, I agree with you and I take full responsibility for dating men that I've allowed to mistreat me in the past, however, this was only mentioned to contextualise my current thoughts.

He's asked about meeting lots outside of the girls, but I have felt that may be blurring the lines and it wouldn't be fair if he thought of us meeting as a 'date'.

The issue is he's never been in a relationship and has quite an obsessive personality (in the past he's also pursued another friend who wasent interested in anything more - now he doesn't speak to her)

I'm not acting on anything, it's just a thought and wanted to gain some clarity.

@Holibobby, the more you say about him, the less ‘nice’ he sounds, to be honest. I’m not liking the sound of the obsessive personality, the lack of previous relationships, or ditching a previous friend who wasn’t interested in a relationship with him.

I think that in your shoes I’d be rethinking my opinion of all the things he does ‘to make your life easier’, plus the Valentine’s cards and flowers, and pushing to meet away from the girls — isn’t he just trying to leverage this ‘nice guy’ status into a relationship? Is the reason you’ve let this go on because you know that if you say you’re not interested in dating him that he’ll drop you like the last friend he pursued? And then be complaining that ‘girls only like bad boys’ and ‘nice guys finish last’?

I mean, I could be wrong, but just because he presents differently to your previous boyfriends doesn’t make him actually nice?

cookiebee · 01/11/2024 14:35

Drom · 01/11/2024 13:29

@Holibobby, the more you say about him, the less ‘nice’ he sounds, to be honest. I’m not liking the sound of the obsessive personality, the lack of previous relationships, or ditching a previous friend who wasn’t interested in a relationship with him.

I think that in your shoes I’d be rethinking my opinion of all the things he does ‘to make your life easier’, plus the Valentine’s cards and flowers, and pushing to meet away from the girls — isn’t he just trying to leverage this ‘nice guy’ status into a relationship? Is the reason you’ve let this go on because you know that if you say you’re not interested in dating him that he’ll drop you like the last friend he pursued? And then be complaining that ‘girls only like bad boys’ and ‘nice guys finish last’?

I mean, I could be wrong, but just because he presents differently to your previous boyfriends doesn’t make him actually nice?

Show quote history

I completely agree, after your last update about him he actually sounds as if he could be in the abusive category himself. The nice guy that uses every trick in the book and love bombs you, if you don’t respond he ditches you completely and moves on to the next victim. However I don’t know him, you do OP, but the nice guy thing can also be an act.

Catseyes88 · 01/11/2024 15:16

Holibobby · 01/11/2024 12:55

@Drom I've been told by his family and friends that he has feelings so it's not a case of feeling 'sorry' for me or my lifestyle. I am living a very good and happy life (which has taken a very long time to get here). Yes, I agree with you and I take full responsibility for dating men that I've allowed to mistreat me in the past, however, this was only mentioned to contextualise my current thoughts.

He's asked about meeting lots outside of the girls, but I have felt that may be blurring the lines and it wouldn't be fair if he thought of us meeting as a 'date'.

The issue is he's never been in a relationship and has quite an obsessive personality (in the past he's also pursued another friend who wasent interested in anything more - now he doesn't speak to her)

I'm not acting on anything, it's just a thought and wanted to gain some clarity.

You said in your original post you are 'really close' with this male friend.

Yet you don't feel comfortable meeting outside of your 'situationship' and having one on one time. I find this really strange and quite contradicting.

My best friend is the opposite sex, and we meet up on a near weekly basis for film nights etc. This doesn't mean either of us wants to sleep with the other person, neither is one leading the other on, its just what really close friends do....

Lavenderblossoms · 01/11/2024 15:34

After reading everything you've said op, especially that part about him being obsessive, then absolutely not.

Mostly because you don't fancy him and that will never work. Deep down, it will always be that way. You've spent enough time with him at least to know if you'd be attracted to him and you aren't.

Enjoy his friendship and keep it at that.

Planesmistakenforstars · 01/11/2024 15:50
  • has quite an obsessive personality
  • he lingers for ages and I start to feel a little suffocated
  • I don’t fancy him

Hell no.

OhshutupSimonyounobhead · 01/11/2024 16:06

100% No not only for his personality type but it being totally unfair on him. Surely he deserves to be with somebody that fancies him?

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