Thank you for your kind words.
I'm not going to 'do anything'. I wouldn't do that to my children. My youngest has just started at university and needs me. My eldest is independent and carving out a good and happy life but still needs me.
What changed? A few things. I realised I was always the one making the effort with the friends I did see. If I didn't suggest meeting up, they didn't either. I felt like I was just a nuisance so I stepped back. I thought if any of them were interested, they'd get in touch. They didn't.
I was involved in a couple of hobbies at the time and it was a reasonable perception that these were time consuming and fulfilling. So maybe people just thought I'd moved on? But I didn't have strong friendships from these hobbies. They were very sociable and we spent a lot of time together but it was an illusion really.
One of them is where I met my partner. There's too much if I take life in general so I'll just stick to this one strand.
One of the women in the group took against me after he and i got together. It became really unpleasant and I left 2 years ago (after a year of it) for my own peace of mind and just to put a stop to it. My partner also left. I didn't ask him to nor expect him to but he chose to. So I lost all the friends I had through that, he lost the friends he had too. He's not bothered but I feel very guilty that he chose me and not them.
I did a similar hobby with another group. But that ended earlier this year just for logistical reasons really. I still support them when I can but I don't see them anymore and efforts I've made to keep in touch have failed. We're now only in sporadic contact via SM.
At around the same time, I started a new role at work and the workload has increased dramatically which has made it impossible for me to find a new group even if I wanted to. I'm also feeling anxious about whether I'm performing well enough in that role and worry that they regret putting me in it.
I don't really want to say what the hobby was but, it's fair to say that whilst it isn't niche, it's not as simple as just joining a group. There has to be a vacancy for you to fill. Like a team I suppose with specific positions, roles, numbers and a selection process. You can't just join because you want to do it.
So sticking with the theme.
It's a stereotypically male role that I fulfill. It's generally regarded that women are very attractive/sexy when they do it. I'm not 😂 That's never bothered me. I did it because I enjoyed doing it not for male approval. But I've still been subjected to male approval/disapproval as a result (both in terms of appearance and performance). And that's really affected my confidence, even when it's positive because I still feel scrutinised.
Before I started seeing my partner, I was in another relationship for a while. He was hugely critical of me all the time. Mainly because I didn't meet the standards he thought women should. I ended it. But one of the things he criticised me for was my appearance. Especially when doing this hobby. Telling me that wearing X or having my hair like Y wasn't 'enough' and that I should make an effort to appear 'sexy' because that's what people watching expected to see (there is an element of truth in that). He compared me to other women doing the same thing and told me I should he more like them, dress like them, act like them.
A couple of years ago, my partner also made a couple of suggestions along those lines. Not explicitly criticising me, just 'jokingly' saying, "You should wear/do X or Y next time you're [doing the hobby]" when we've seen women on tv or whatever doing the same thing and all I heard was ,"You're not enough." And, "They look attractive/sexy but you don't." Like nothing else matters.
I'm now selling my equipment because I know I'll never do that hobby again. It's a very 'visible' hobby and there's no hiding. My current partner and my ex both suggested I tried to make myself look 'sexier' for it. I don't want to have to but the last few times I did it, I felt really self conscious and wondered how many other people were watching me and mentally criticising me.
It's easy to tell people that 'no one is looking and you and no one cares' when people are literally telling you that they do look and they do care. My self esteem isn't good enough to stand up to it and this has, tbh, made it worse.
I just feel very vulnerable. How often am I been scrutinised by others and not coming up to standard? I've become very small.
I used to go out a lot and socialise and now I stay at home.
I feel I'm surrounded by people who are better than me, more X than me, less Y than me. Every time I hear someone else being complimented, I hear an implied criticism of me. Every silence is an unspoken criticism.
I know comparison is the thief of joy and I know that I bring my own self to rhe world and there's no one else like me and all of that but it doesn't help anymore.
I only see myself as all the things I'm not. I'm not really sure what I am that's worth being. Or different to anyone else anyway.