I'm just too old for this shit now. Too tired and too old..

[GoldStarSun]

That's it really. Familial abuse until I cut contact in my 30s. Shit relationships that have been at best just shit and at worst, abusive.

Been single for most of my adult life as a result. I've not really done the whole 'dating' thing. Only dated men I'd actually got to know beforehand. Men who were previously friends. Not men who were players; not cheaters; not men where I'd overlooked 100 red flags. Always been happy on my own but sometimes, you meet someone and think it might be worth a shot...

Started seeing someone I'd known for a few years 3 years ago and it's just not working. We get on great. But the relationship isn't working.

I've just had enough now.

I'm sick of being too this or not enough that. I'm sick of men trying to change me or suggesting ways in which I could be 'more'. Making crappy comments and then trying to pass it off as 'just a joke'. Saying things and denying it. Lying.

I'd cry except that I haven't got it in me. I've got nothing left. I'm just a shell. I've lost my sparkle.

I don't want to face the rest of my life on my own. I thought I'd found someone I could grow old with but it seems not. It was also nice having some spare money to actually enjoy life with and someone to share that with. Someone just to share life with.

I've always done it on my own. Even when I've not been single, I've done it all on my own.

I brought two children up to adulthood on my own and I'm so proud of them. I've always worked, built a career, had hobbies, friends. But, whilst my career is OK, it's hard. I haven't had the support to enable me to invest in friendships (no family) enough for them to withstand the test of time. Only.two years ago, I had hobbies, friends, a social life and now I just feel like it's over. A burden.

I sometimes wish I could quietly slip.away. in many ways, I suppose I have. No friends, no hobbies, nothing to look forward to. And no real motivation to change it because each time I bounce back, it hurts all the more when I fall again.

I'm just tired.

I don't really expect anything from this. I just needed to tell someone.

On the subject of friends not contacting you. I have a lot of friends but I know that if I withdrew into a bubble and didn’t proactively contact them and suggest meeting up, I would probably be waiting along time. Not because they don’t like me or because I don’t matter to them but because… life happens. Work, children, family, obligations… they all suck up time and energy

I do understand that but a few of them retired/semi retired early so are only in their late 50s/very early 60s, no dependent children and, in some cases, parents are long gone. They still go out and socialise because I see it on SM.

Some of them have been out in a group I'd have been included in 6 months ago. I know people can socialise with whoever they want and not everyone needs to be included all the time so whilst I was surprised, I wasn't upset by it, but it was a bit of a stark realisation that I'm on the periphery of that group and not a 'member' of it. When they wanted to keep the group a bit smaller, I wasn't in it.

I know a lot of people. If I go out, I can always find someone to talk to. But I don't have any closer friends and the ones I have had over the years are the ones who've fallen away.

I don't think I'm unpleasant but I do wonder if my world view is so clouded by my past that sometimes my take on things or interpretation isn't quite the same as others' and that has an effect.

You kind of need to stop giving a fuck about how people view you. Or how you think they view you. What's the saying - what other people think of you is none of your business?

That's true.

But it's hard when people make it your business by telling you.

Good idea to go to the GP and ask for counselling to try and unpick and learn different ways of dealing with your feelings.

Good idea to have talked to your partner about this and whichever way it's meant, he knows you're aware of the comments which hopefully should make them stop now he knows it's upsetting you.

You do get to point after having a lifetime of this to have had enough. It's very hard when you've had a difficult childhood and been subject and conditioned to behaviours, then others reiterate that so you get kicked further down a hole. There is a type of person who hones in on it. Usually aggressive but insecure and has problems underneath that wants to project bad feelings onto others. They pick up you're quiet and unconfident, making comments and judgements because they think it's funny and makes them look bigger. I've learnt key phrases to stand up to them now without being rude or aggressive and they don't like and didn't expect that. It's a shame but it's unfair on you otherwise and you deserve better.

That's a problem with them, not you.

Who, other than an obnoxious asshat, goes round criticising others like this?

Actually I'm annoyed now - you're being driven out of your hobby by gate-keeping nobbers.

I bet there's occasionally a conversation about "why do so few women join/stick around/take those roles" - and it's because of this gate-keeping crap by pompous blokes.

When you ask a man to explain why his 'joke' was funny, and he can't, that tells them you know it absolutely wasn't a joke. OP, even if they were supposed to be throwaway humourous comments and not 'joke' jokes, he still should have been able to tell you why they were funny (in his eyes).

I agree.

He just said he sometimes speaks without thinking and doesn't mean anything by it.

These things aren't direct criticism of me but brief mentions of things that he likes/finds attractive/sexually desirable but absolutely none of them are me in any way. But it's more than that. On one occasion, he said the words, "I've never thought about you like that," (meaning sexually) and had said something similar but slightly less damning on two previous occasions. He also can't remember saying those things, doesn't know why he would and so, obviously, didn't.

The fact that he says it was a joke, he's never thought that so why would he say it? That's not something he's ever been interested in so why would he say it? Is the problem.

It means it can't ever be discussed or talked through or resolved.

If I were to judge him solely on his actions, I'd say he loves me completely. There are many positive things he says about me a person that I believe he means. But it's just left me feeling that he loves me as a person but isn't actually attracted to me and doesn't find me desirable.

We rarely have sex anymore because of how this has made me feel about myself. Sometimes, I think about it and feel like I might want to initiate and then these things come flooding back and I just feel like an idiot. So I don't. Sex doesn't make me feel closer to him anymore. It makes me feel sad and inadequate.

He’s actually gaslighting you. (I don’t use that word casually)

The comment about “not seeing you like that” is insidious. I believe he knows what he’s doing.

But why?

And how could I have got to this age and never been truly loved by anyone? (my children aside).

How?

He's in the kitchen now cooking dinner and washing up. He always cooks dinner. Always picks me up from work. Always listens and supports after a crappy day. Does the majority of the 'wifework' in the relationship.

Why?

Have you spoken to a GP yet, or sought out private help. At the least you need antidepressants whilst seeking counselling.

Haven’t you just answered your own question?

What you’ve described are acts of service, otherwise known as acts of love.

It sounds like your history has affected you such that you find it virtually impossible to “read” or accept love, simply because you believe it’s not possible for you.

With an gentleness, it sounds like this man can’t do right for doing wrong.

If you are always looking for negative connotations, I guarantee you will find them every day without fail.

Please, I urge you to see therapy, and make sure it is of a different form than you have tried before.