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Original poster

H stringing me along? Is he BU?

37 replies

yotoo · 31/10/2024 13:42

What would you do if your marriage broken down abroad, you went home with your child, after a lot of tension and communication and sadness for 6 months husband you and he both said you and child would come back to work it out, but then when you came, he said he didn't know if he wanted to be with you or if he loved you anymore and you had to wait and see.

Meanwhile child is school age and i don't have residency rights in the marital country outside of marriage. He is telling me to put him back in school here and see how things go but he doesn't know what he wants. It feels unfair. My child's education could be disrupted again if he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore, as I would have to go home (which he agrees- it's not a custody dispute.) It is a completely different education system and different continent. None of child's stuff is here anymore and I would have to ship it back.

H says i am haranguing him and he doesn't have any answers. He doesn't seem to care of the impact on our child. He says he has a lot of issues towards me and doesn't feel romantic towards me but he wants to see if we can make it work. Meanwhile UK half term is almost over and our child can't just stay out of school or boomerang in and out of schools.

WWYD? Is H being unreasonable? I desperately don't want to give up on our life, but if he is done he needs to tell me, surely? We can't live in limbo. I don't blame H, there is a lot of water under the bridge and I have not been great, but i wish he would just tell me if he is done.

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 31/10/2024 13:46

Where is your ds enrolled in school?

Trickedbyadoughnut · 31/10/2024 13:51

Is he planning to make it so you can't move away again? Enrolling the child in school for x amount so a Court won't allow you to leave?

Original poster
yotoo · 31/10/2024 14:02

Currently still enrolled in the UK school.
I just dont know how H can expect me to change that and uproot him on a 'maybe'.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 31/10/2024 14:03

Take him home, he should be in school right now.

Don't enrol him in school there.

Original poster
yotoo · 31/10/2024 14:05

It is UK half term so he isn't meant to be in school right now at least.
I just thought if we came back as H said he wanted, it would be beacuse he was sure. He is now saying he just doesn't know and doesn't know when he will know if he can love/see a future with me again or wants a divorce,e tc.

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 31/10/2024 14:05

I would be very concerned that he's tricking you into establishing your child as habitually resident so that you cannot return to the UK with your child without his consent.

CabraCadabra · 31/10/2024 14:06

Yes he is and yes. Go home

MrTiddlesTheCat · 31/10/2024 14:07

If you're currently there on holiday, with a view to reconciling, get yourself home ASAP.

Spendingtoomuchonfood · 31/10/2024 14:09

MrTiddlesTheCat · 31/10/2024 14:05

I would be very concerned that he's tricking you into establishing your child as habitually resident so that you cannot return to the UK with your child without his consent.

Me too.

Put you and your child first time. Come home to the UK and get your child settled in school. Is sounds like he is already in a UK school? All this going back and forth is no good for a child.

Original poster
yotoo · 31/10/2024 14:11

The thing is I still love H. Our child misses him. I miss everything about our life and our child has not yet settled in the UK properly. If there is a chance to make it work I want to take it. But if H doesnt love me, why doesnt he own that? He just said there is only an ember of love for me and he doesnt know how he feels. Yet he expects me and dc to fully move back there.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 31/10/2024 14:13

He's stringing you along for your child. That's it. He's telling you loud and clear.

Tread VERY carefully op.

Personally I would get the hell out of there at the first available opportunity.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2024 14:15

MrTiddlesTheCat · 31/10/2024 14:05

I would be very concerned that he's tricking you into establishing your child as habitually resident so that you cannot return to the UK with your child without his consent.

This. No doubt in my mind. Go home while you can.

TentEntWenTyfOur · 31/10/2024 14:16

Just come home, and let your dc stay in school here.

He is mucking you about, and it is totally unfair of him to keep you dangling like this, not knowing which way the wind is blowing or if it will change direction.

You don't have to put all the control in his hands and leave it up to him to decide whether he wants you or not. Decide for yourself what is best for your dc and you, and take the decision yourself.

Come home. He can then piss about all he likes and take all the time in the world to decide what he wants, and in the meantime you have taken control of your life, and then it will be up to YOU to decide whether you want to be with him or not.

Original poster
yotoo · 31/10/2024 14:17

Can we leave aside the idea he is trying to trap dc in the country as for outing reasons i cant get into related to H job, I am almost 100% that's not what he is doing. I think he just wants me here to figure out if he wants to be with me, however that obviously affects dc in terms of schooling and moving forward. He says i am pressing him for 'reassurance' he can't give me, but I wouldnt have come back if he said he didnt love me or know if he wanted me here.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2024 14:17

yotoo · 31/10/2024 14:11

The thing is I still love H. Our child misses him. I miss everything about our life and our child has not yet settled in the UK properly. If there is a chance to make it work I want to take it. But if H doesnt love me, why doesnt he own that? He just said there is only an ember of love for me and he doesnt know how he feels. Yet he expects me and dc to fully move back there.

Don't swim an ocean for someone who won't walk over a puddle for you. No man who isn't sure ever got more sure because a woman threw herself at him begging for scraps.

TentEntWenTyfOur · 31/10/2024 14:23

Your H is not just rejecting you, he is rejecting your dc as well. That is seriously damaging for a child to not know whether dad loves them or not.

What would be best for your dc right now?

To stay in a country with a different education system, without knowing whether they will be staying or not, or if he will send them away again?

Or to come back home to a school they know in a system they are familiar with, where they can be secure and stable in their home life?

Blairsnitchproject · 31/10/2024 14:24

yotoo · 31/10/2024 14:11

The thing is I still love H. Our child misses him. I miss everything about our life and our child has not yet settled in the UK properly. If there is a chance to make it work I want to take it. But if H doesnt love me, why doesnt he own that? He just said there is only an ember of love for me and he doesnt know how he feels. Yet he expects me and dc to fully move back there.

His behaviour is saying loud and clear that he doesn’t love you, his words are not far behind that. He has manipulated you over there and is treating you like rubbish all just to see how much power and control he has over you all for his own amusement not remotely caring about how this will upset you or your son. There is nothing about a relationship in his behaviour.

You and your son deserve so much better.

itsmeits · 31/10/2024 14:26

So he sees you as a donkey and is playing with you with a carrot.
Ask him out right. If its all I don't know! Maybe, let's wait and see. Tell him you don't know how he feels there for he needs to get a grip of his feelings and tell you within the next 24hrs he's has 6months to decide FFS!
Someone needs to grow a backbone in this relationship and walk away.
For the love of God don't sleep with him. As then he's defo having his cake and stringing you along.
If his ember is small your fanny is shut.

Phineyj · 31/10/2024 14:27

Ah!!!

Get home ASAP before you get stuck in a country with no residency rights.

You must put your son first as your husband sure as hell isn't.

Could your husband reside in the UK if he wanted? If he could, he's asking you to take a big risk that he doesn't face. That's not the action of a loving person.

tiv2020 · 31/10/2024 14:28

I guess you have to try and think which would be worst for you, op
Coming back to the UK and parting ways with your h now and wondering what could have been
Or giving it another try and then splitting again down the line and having to decamp again
Between these 2 scenarios which would feel worse?

ComingBackHome · 31/10/2024 14:34

Go back to the U.K.

ComingBackHome · 31/10/2024 14:37

What are you missing from a marriage where you partner says when he didn't know if he wanted to be with you or if he loved you anymore and you had to wait and see?

You are missing what you had 6+ months ago at least. Not what you have.
What you have is a H who wants you there for his own benefit. Not someone who cares about you. Who loves you.

honeylulu · 31/10/2024 14:41

He's not trying to take your child, I agree. But he does want child in his life, although looked after by you day to day in the country where he prefers to live.

Living there isn't appealing to you if you are separated so he's using your hope that you can remain married to engineer what he wants.

He wants you doing a wife job without loving and cherishing you as his wife.

He is stringing you along but you know that. You've put it in your OP title!

LoveSandbanks · 31/10/2024 14:43

You deserve more than this. Put aside dc for a moment, YOU deserve to be with someone who knows they love you. He’s playing with you, making you work for his love. He’s a shit and you deserve much, much more.

highly unlikely there isn’t another woman somewhere. Ditch him and come home. If he loved you in the way you deserve he’d follow you.

ginasevern · 31/10/2024 14:44

You have to put your DC first. To be honest it sounds as though you are putting yourself and your own emotional needs first in all of this. Meanwhile, your DH is playing a game of cat and mouse with you. He's toying with you and you're dancing to his tune. Is that what you want? Where is your self respect and do you really want your child to think this is how relationships work? I also agree with others that you need to be careful about custody. Your DH might seemingly not give a toss now, but he wouldn't be the first man from another culture/country to suddenly "see the light".