H stringing me along? Is he BU?

[yotoo]

What would you do if your marriage broken down abroad, you went home with your child, after a lot of tension and communication and sadness for 6 months husband you and he both said you and child would come back to work it out, but then when you came, he said he didn't know if he wanted to be with you or if he loved you anymore and you had to wait and see.

Meanwhile child is school age and i don't have residency rights in the marital country outside of marriage. He is telling me to put him back in school here and see how things go but he doesn't know what he wants. It feels unfair. My child's education could be disrupted again if he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore, as I would have to go home (which he agrees- it's not a custody dispute.) It is a completely different education system and different continent. None of child's stuff is here anymore and I would have to ship it back.

H says i am haranguing him and he doesn't have any answers. He doesn't seem to care of the impact on our child. He says he has a lot of issues towards me and doesn't feel romantic towards me but he wants to see if we can make it work. Meanwhile UK half term is almost over and our child can't just stay out of school or boomerang in and out of schools.

WWYD? Is H being unreasonable? I desperately don't want to give up on our life, but if he is done he needs to tell me, surely? We can't live in limbo. I don't blame H, there is a lot of water under the bridge and I have not been great, but i wish he would just tell me if he is done.

The old saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is relevant here.

You lived with him there. You separated and came home. In your absence, his heart did not grow fonder. He did not miss you enough to want you back. I know that sounds harsh but he is in fact telling you the truth.

He wants a relationship with his child and is trying to work out if he can do that knowing that you both come as a package.

If you stay, the relationship is done. And you will be in a precarious position re residency.

Come home, bring your dc back and concentrate on settling him into his new life here.

It doesn't matter how much you love him.
He doesn't love you.

And even if he did love you (a tiny bit, maybe), that is beside the point.

You are a parent now, so your primary duty is to provide a stable home and school for your child. That means looking long term at his best interests.

You haven't said what the other country is, or whether you would be prepared to settle there even if you and DH did not get back together, but I am willing to bet that your son's best future is in the UK.

Whatever your DH motivation is, you can be sure it is all about him, what he wants and what suits him. It is not about the welfare of you or his child.

So if you separated but did not divorce, would you still have residency rights? Is there something in that country for you apart from your husband? Is the education there good for your child and could they attend an international or British curriculum school?

No, once divorce was through I would have to leave the country and h does not want custody of dc. The education is in English but very variable and behind the UK a bit.

This is the thing, I am trying to think of what is best for dc future. In the UK our standard of living will be way lower and we will have to live outside of a major city, where he was raised, due to financial stuff/my family being in a rural area and my only real support network. H is dc's dad. I could work less hours and be there more for dc who is a high needs kid. That's why I came back, because I thought if H was saying there was a chance for us, it would be the best for everyone. But he is just blowing so hot and cold and seems so confused, I can't settle. This morning it was 'i dont know if i love you' and saying he felt nothing when i hugged him, then we went out for a walk and he was holding my hand and stuff. I feel so upset about it. I have to decide basically today whether to book flights home for me and dc. H will accuse me of playing games if I try and talk about this again later. He's convinced i don't want to be here. But its more that i dont want to be here living in a soulless existence with someone who is checked out.

I just feel so sad. Me and dc miss our home and H a lot at times and I wonder if i could have handled it better, but me and H have agreed the marriage was imploding before I left. It breaks my heart to hear H doesnt love me, I wish he had said that instead of saying I should come back. he said he would initiate divorce if I didnt come back and try and make it work, but if thats where we are, its such a mess. I just panicked.

I wouldnt have come back if he said he didnt love me or know if he wanted me here
There's an answer in that. ^

You need to come back to the UK.
He's wasted your time and given you and your son false hope.

A man who loves you won’t treat you like this.

He says i have broken him and i should have come back sooner. But i am here now and he keeps just rejecting me and blowing hot and cold.

This. Go home right now and DO NOT enrol in school.

‘He wouldn’t…’

Yes, they almost all would. He may not be fit to care for the child alone or want to, but he may have taken all sorts of advice telling him that if he gets his child established as resident, that’s all he needs to do to keep you trapped here, as you’re hardly going to leave without them. Then he can be single, do what he likes, but have you living near so he can have his child available whenever he wants to drop in!

Regardless of your relationship, you and your DH should not be discussing any of this with the child there! This must be extremely confusing for him.

No decent dad would behave the way he's behaving.

This is a typical ploy that controlling people use. It’s manipulation and it’s emotional abuse. Please leave. If he decides he does love you after all he can make the effort to follow you to UK and “try again” there. If you stay, you’re setting up yourself and dc for a rollercoaster of never knowing what mood he will be in, never knowing what you’ve done wrong, whether he’ll be home tonight or out with another woman…

Your child deserves so much better than this.
Your marriage is over.
Your husband is spectacularly selfish and juvenile to be giving you both the run a round.
Take control and return home and enrole your child in school.
He needs one parent prepared to behave like an adult.
It has to be you.