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Original poster

Visiting family over New Year

50 replies

Welliesandwaves · 31/10/2024 09:49

My partner and I have been together 18 months, both in our 40's and know that we want to marry each other in the future. Our relationship is very happy and we treat each other very well. My family live overseas and I see them twice a year roughly. I plan to go visit them for New Year and have asked DP to go with me. DP doesn't want to go. It being busy, wanting a quiet life, wanting to be independent, and money being reasons cited. I have offered to pay half of the costs to help with this concern and to drop to the airport after one week so that I can go for two weeks but DP can just go for one week. I don't know how to be with this. I'm finding it very hurtful. DP will be away Christmas week itself, and if I go to my parent's for two weeks over New Year then we won't see each other for 3 weeks - which feels very long to me. But more hurtful is the idea that the preference is not to come with me. Any advice? I'm not going to try to convince DP to come along anymore than offering the above initially as I don't want to have to argue for this, I would love enthusiastic participation ideally!

OP posts:
Original poster
Welliesandwaves · 31/10/2024 10:13

Perhaps what I am asking is is there any advice on how to feel ok with this? How to get past this feeling of hurt. As I said, I have no intention of trying to convince DP to go on this trip with me, so all I can do is be ok with going alone. How do I get there? I know that my automatic when hurt is to withdraw, so how do I stop myself from withdrawing and go back to being ok

OP posts:
KnittingKnewbie · 31/10/2024 10:16

Kindly, I think you're overreacting. It's after Christmas. He wants to chill out at home. To be honest, if I had the opportunity to not visit my own family I'd take it, never mind an overseas trip to see someone else's! To be stuck with people for a week in the bad weather. I'm feeling claustrophobic thinking about it!

Could you plan a trip in the spring? More freedom, nicer weather, less claustrophobic?

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2024 10:20

You let go of the hurt by realising it’s okay to want to spend your time in different ways and he’d rather relax at home than schlep abroad to see your family. That’s fine.

What do you mean that you offered to pay half? Isn’t that obvious if not a bit cheeky if it’s a trip you want and he doesn’t? Why would he have to pay more than half? Perhaps I’ve misunderstood the comment.

Original poster
Welliesandwaves · 31/10/2024 10:20

KnittingKnewbie · 31/10/2024 10:16

Kindly, I think you're overreacting. It's after Christmas. He wants to chill out at home. To be honest, if I had the opportunity to not visit my own family I'd take it, never mind an overseas trip to see someone else's! To be stuck with people for a week in the bad weather. I'm feeling claustrophobic thinking about it!

Could you plan a trip in the spring? More freedom, nicer weather, less claustrophobic?

Thank you, I'm here to gather perspectives. I don't see the difference of January and Spring though. It is still a trip to visit my family overseas. Weather won't be bad there either time.

OP posts:
MeganM3 · 31/10/2024 10:24

Hm. Not sure I'd want to do a two week trip to visit someone else's family. At any time really. And it's still quite an early relationship.

I find a week seeing my own family very draining.

Some people just want to hibernate and stay home around Xmas / new year.

I don't think it would be too offended, though I see where you're coming from.

Original poster
Welliesandwaves · 31/10/2024 10:25

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2024 10:20

You let go of the hurt by realising it’s okay to want to spend your time in different ways and he’d rather relax at home than schlep abroad to see your family. That’s fine.

What do you mean that you offered to pay half? Isn’t that obvious if not a bit cheeky if it’s a trip you want and he doesn’t? Why would he have to pay more than half? Perhaps I’ve misunderstood the comment.

Thank you. I guess I feel that almost all of the year is relaxing and quiet, and so a week of family business is not too much, but maybe it is. Do people not go visit their partner's family with them, as part of building a life together?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 31/10/2024 10:26

Has he met them before?

Tippythedog · 31/10/2024 10:29

Hmm. I find even 1 week with my own family (or anyone!) too much.

How far away are they? Is there no option for him to go for 3 days?

How long is the flight?

Where would you stay? I hate staying in other peoples homes so would want to book a hotel.

CurlewKate · 31/10/2024 10:29

I'm going to go against the majority here. I think one of the things about being in a relationship is doing some things you don't particularly want to do because the other person wants you to. Unless there is a very good reason, spending time with your partner's family of origin is one of those things.

Original poster
Welliesandwaves · 31/10/2024 10:30

Perhaps this is the thing. I find being with family very important. Probably because they live away and I don't get to see them very often. So for me someone who enjoys being part of a family is important. I understand that some do find family draining, and maybe this is the issue, we see family very differently. I guess 18 months is pretty new, but we are planning our life together and so the role of family in it is something worth discussing and considering

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 31/10/2024 10:35

I’m another who would struggle spending a week with my own family let alone someone else’s. And Christmas is a period where many want to chill and take time out.

I do think a week with someone else’s family would fill many people with horror. It’s just a bit much imo.

Tippythedog · 31/10/2024 10:39

CurlewKate · 31/10/2024 10:29

I'm going to go against the majority here. I think one of the things about being in a relationship is doing some things you don't particularly want to do because the other person wants you to. Unless there is a very good reason, spending time with your partner's family of origin is one of those things.

Of course, I go to plenty of events I don't particularly love. But that's usually just a weekend/a dinner/a wedding.

I think flying over Xmas to stay for a week in someone's home is a big ask when you've only been together 18 months.

Original poster
Welliesandwaves · 31/10/2024 10:45

Tippythedog · 31/10/2024 10:39

Of course, I go to plenty of events I don't particularly love. But that's usually just a weekend/a dinner/a wedding.

I think flying over Xmas to stay for a week in someone's home is a big ask when you've only been together 18 months.

Show quote history

Thanks for your thoughts. I am wondering how this would work if your family or DPs family was overseas, how to incorporate them into your life in this case?

DP actually lives with family so I see and stay with their family all the time, perhaps this adds to my hurt at this response to my family

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 31/10/2024 10:47

Again, has he met them before?

Original poster
Welliesandwaves · 31/10/2024 10:47

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/10/2024 10:47

Again, has he met them before?

Sorry, yes, when they have visited twice

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 31/10/2024 10:48

I’d be wary of spending a whole week with people I had only met twice.

Original poster
Welliesandwaves · 31/10/2024 10:52

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/10/2024 10:48

I’d be wary of spending a whole week with people I had only met twice.

Ok, thank you. My family have come over twice since we got together and they have seen each other for some days over each time they visited. It is hard to know how to get them more familiar with each other with living in a different country and so how to change this.

Btw I am very surprised to hear how many people are less than happy spending time with their own family! I have always loved spending time with mine so this is news to me

OP posts:
MrTwatchester · 31/10/2024 10:54

Some people (myself included) don't care much for family stuff, and keep it to a minimum. This goes for my family as much as my partner's. My partner feels the same way.

There is no way in hell I would travel to spend a week with either my own family or my in-laws, at any time of the year—let alone at Christmas, when I will be busy eating cheese and watching old films.

jsku · 31/10/2024 10:55

I think when you have your family overseas -
you’ll have to accept that you wont be able to ‘incorporate’ them into your joint life in the same way you can family that live nearby.

I also - i do think its different give your ages. If you were younger, and had marriage and kids in your future - you’d probably have a different pattern in your holidays/relationships. Iterating Christmas’s, visiting grandparents, etc.

But in your 40s - people often have a different pattern to their relationships.

pikkumyy77 · 31/10/2024 11:00

I am going against the grain here: I think its rude and selfish of your “dp” to refuse to go visit your family once.

You are planning to get married. You are planning to merge your lives. 18 months is pretty far along if you both share this intention.

But They “live with family” and you socialize with their family frequently. You have slotted into their life —can they not inconvenience themself once to participate in your life? If not now—when? Your family would like to host them! You would like to introduce them more to your world. You already know/do/relate to their life as they (still!!) live with family! Why can’t they do this trip? Contra the other posters it is not a huge ask of a grown man to manage minor social discomfort for a week.

I was in a long distance relationship for five years pre marriage—coast to coast for a while. We both definitely spent money and time travelling to meet each other’s family. That is what you do for your partner.

Original poster
Welliesandwaves · 31/10/2024 11:01

jsku · 31/10/2024 10:55

I think when you have your family overseas -
you’ll have to accept that you wont be able to ‘incorporate’ them into your joint life in the same way you can family that live nearby.

I also - i do think its different give your ages. If you were younger, and had marriage and kids in your future - you’d probably have a different pattern in your holidays/relationships. Iterating Christmas’s, visiting grandparents, etc.

But in your 40s - people often have a different pattern to their relationships.

There is marriage on the cards.

I am finding it hard that I am spending time with DPs family, yet the same won't be the case for mine because they live overseas. Family is very important to me.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 31/10/2024 11:05

I think your request is not unreasonable, and his refusal is. Especially given that family is important to you, and you see so much of his already!

Can he offer a compromise trip, maybe not at New Year if he feels it’s a busy time (and I feel overwhelmed by the Christmas season to be honest) but some other time? I’d probably want it to come from him tbh, because otherwise he’s just refusing to visit your family at their home and that’s rude in the context of your relationship.

Original poster
Welliesandwaves · 31/10/2024 11:11

And perhaps it is not relevant but I guess I feel hurt as I am going overseas on a trip to see a theatre show DP wants to go to in a few months, and I feel that then DP won't go overseas to see my family. Which I would view as more important than a show. Not saying I'm not happy to travel to see a show, but I wouldn't have chosen that cost myself, instead I'm going as it is something DP wants. I am hurt that this consideration is not being reciprocated.

OP posts:
Anxioustealady · 31/10/2024 11:13

I would hate to spend 1 or 2 weeks abroad with someone else's family, especially over Christmas/New Year because work is so busy in the run up and I find it quite stressful how busy everywhere is, so I would feel like I wasn't getting a break at all, and then having to go back to work stressed.

Will you be staying with family or in your own space?

Octavia64 · 31/10/2024 11:14

At 18 months in this is a relatively short relationship. I wouldn't be prioritising going to see my girlfriend's family for a week overseas at this stage.

In addition, I'm going to guess that if you have family overseas you come from a different culture.

In the UK marriage is seen much more as two people getting married than the blending of families. This has good points - gay marriage and relationships have been accepted here much more than in some other cultures (eg Ireland) and it also means that people can and do get married to people their birth families hate.

My grandmother hated my father and my mum got married to him in the face of considerable opposition. When my grandparents came to stay my father left on a business trip. They never spent time together until she was dying and even then my mum did most of it because my grandma hated him so much.