Visiting family over New Year

[Welliesandwaves]

My partner and I have been together 18 months, both in our 40's and know that we want to marry each other in the future. Our relationship is very happy and we treat each other very well. My family live overseas and I see them twice a year roughly. I plan to go visit them for New Year and have asked DP to go with me. DP doesn't want to go. It being busy, wanting a quiet life, wanting to be independent, and money being reasons cited. I have offered to pay half of the costs to help with this concern and to drop to the airport after one week so that I can go for two weeks but DP can just go for one week. I don't know how to be with this. I'm finding it very hurtful. DP will be away Christmas week itself, and if I go to my parent's for two weeks over New Year then we won't see each other for 3 weeks - which feels very long to me. But more hurtful is the idea that the preference is not to come with me. Any advice? I'm not going to try to convince DP to come along anymore than offering the above initially as I don't want to have to argue for this, I would love enthusiastic participation ideally!

We would stay with family. DP will be spending Christmas itself overseas on a retreat and doesn't work so no going back to work stress. I think the issue is the being with family and our differing views on this. Which is my concern.

Yes, it's this difference with regards to each others families that also bothers me

I would worry that with this attitude, in your life together, only his priorities will be seen as worthwhile for the two of you as a couple. What else is he going to refuse to consider even though it’s important to you, in the future?

After Christmas = time to hibernate and regroup for the new year. Stay cozy and relax. Eat chocolate.
Spring = March or April= more energy, new life, brighter days, up and at'em

Totally different vibe I think.

Maybe you're not in the Uk/Ireland!

OP - you keep saying that the ‘marriage is on the cards’ - but what does it actually mean?
It does seem that it is a fairly new relationship and the two of you are having different expectation of what either of you want the relatioahip to be.

I am in the same age group as you. And I have done years of overseas family visiting with exH and our kids. Sitting around, while they all reminisce about the olden days. I did it for the kids - so that the kids have their time with their extended family. But if not for them - i’d not be there every year.

Now I am in a new relationship. And no - not going to be traveling for 5 hours to spend a week with his family. Also - not expecting him to join on a trip to mine - when I am in my home - I’d like to spend time with my family and talk about things and experiences we shared. Visiting with a new partner is not at all the same.

I am with your partner on prioritising time as a couple. Traveling to see the show you both want to see - I think is a great way to create joint experiences. If you didn't want to go - you should have spoken up before - not agree , with some expectations on him traveling to your family.

Something about your posts gives me a strange vibe. Almost like you need to bring him to your family for some sort of validation - or to show off.

Does it have to be a whole week? That’s a long time to spend staying with in-laws. Could you compromise and suggest a long weekend staying with them, then perhaps a couple of nights at a nice hotel together?

I feel that there is no right or wrong here. I was asking only instead that advice was provided in how to feel ok with this hurt. From listening to everyone's responses I see there are differing views on a couple of things.

While some, like me, value staying with family, many seem to dislike this. This is the basic issue that is causing the difference of views around what to do. Neither is right nor wrong, but it is a fundamental difference that if you are planning a long term relationship with a person is going to cause some kind of strife. This is a concern to me.

The other point of difference is whether or not to do things occasionally that your partner wants to do, even if it's not what you would spend time on. I believe that this is important in a relationship. Obviously not all the time, but on occasions for our partners I feel it is part of a relationship. Others of course may disagree. In terms of the theatre trip, no I wouldn't choose to spend money to fly overseas to see a show I've seen before in a city I already lived in for years, but I am happy to go as I know my partner really wants to go. I didn't do it thinking of this trip to my family, but am surprised to see that DP wouldn't also travel to something that matters to me. So this is the second point where people have differing views.

I think someone said perhaps I wanted to show off my partner...I'm really not sure what is meant by this as my family has already met my partner. I of course would want them to get to know each other though, as family.

Thank you all for your input, I do appreciate it. I guess that we have some clear differences on what we each expect or do not expect in a serious relationship. This is something for me to think on.

Oh and I know that 18 months sounds little....it certainly did to me when I was in a 23 year relationship, but for some reason this does feel like the real thing and it is serious, despite the short length of time!

In the UK marriage is seen much more as two people getting married than the blending of families. This has good points - gay marriage and relationships have been accepted here much more than in some other cultures (eg Ireland)

Gay marriage was legalised in Ireland only 2 years after it was legalised in the U.K.

I can understand why he doesn't want to go. Christmas and New Year can be frantically busy.

If you are working (which I assume you are as you are 40s and can afford to go abroad) then taking annual leave at Christmas time means that if you can grab any time to relax it's a bonus, in my view!

I can absolutely see that if it means finishing work, spending Christmas with his lot, flying abroad to spend a week (or two) with your family and then returning back to work again, knackered and skint for the rest of January he's not enthusiastic about it.

DP is spending Christmas on a retreat overseas and does not work so would not be returning to work afterwards.

I'm working and want to go over New Year as my office will still be closed and so we are on annual leave during this time.

So is no one going to mention the super giant red flag that DP lives with his family and doesn’t work?……🚩🚩🚩🚩

Honestly, I do plenty of things my DH likes that I do not. I'll go to his friends and colleagues weddings, I go on cinema and theatre trips for him, I've even been to an NFL game in America when on holiday as he loves NFL and I have no interest in it.

He has gone on trips with me to historical sites and done similar things for me.

But neither of us would be overjoyed at the thought of staying with each other's family for a week. He goes to his, I go to mine. We will spend a couple days with each other's family, but I think a week sleeping in the home of the other persons family is a lot.

I love DH, we've been together 15 years, but neither of us would want to spend a week staying with each other's family. I don't think it's a huge deal.

Thanks for your perspective. I'm glad you and your DH share the same views on family time. I think here what is the issue is that it is a big deal for one of us but not the other. That's where the issue lies.

I think you can't make him change his mind OP. If it was me, either I'd do it and be massively resentful, or I wouldn't do it and you'd have to accept that.

I do think you have to do things you don't really want to do sometimes in a relationship, but I think a week or 2 is too far. He spent time with them when they were here right? That probably was him compromising and doing something for you.

Are you able to accept him never going with you to visit?

There's no wrong answers here really, just different opinions.

Quite! Explain Op!

Even without this the dynamics are completely different to family dropping in from a few hours away and travelling abroad to stay with them.
He's also going away to a retreat ( not sure why he needs that given his circumstances) and maybe it feels like too much especially at Christmas.

I do think being older makes a difference. You are more set on doing what you want then in your loosey goosey 20's. It doesn't mean your family aren't important as such but clearly more effort is required.

I take it this is a same sex relationship, lack of he,she, etc. Is this a factor in why they don't want to stay with your family OP?

Im going to mention it. Run a fucking mile!

I'll go against the grain too. If marriage truly is on the cards, then it sends strange that he's digging his heels in over this, on such flimsy reasons which basically boil down to "can't be bothered, don't wanna". I'm not someone with a history of becoming super close to in-laws, but it's normal to build some kind of relationship and exchange visits. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling disappointed by this. I don't know whether your partner is just not as committed, doesn't like your family, or is just not a very energetic person (given the not working, going on a retreat etc), but don't keep your rose tinted glasses on - maybe there are incompatibilities.

A week is a very long time in someone else's home, even if you know them well.

Can I ask what the nature of the retreat is that he's going on?

I assume they would have outings and activities planned, not just be sitting around the house. For me, a week abroad somewhere that has good weather (escaping the British winter), being hosted by (partner's) family and seeing a different part of the world, sounds pretty good. Yes, it's nice to get home afterwards, and you wouldn't want to be doing it all the time, but I'd try it first before refusing point-blank like the DP. That's if I was serious about the relationship.

I came on to post that if DP already has plans for Xmas and you want him/her to travel in the new year, it might be a case of not wanting to use so much leave in one go.

But then it seems DP doesn’t work? Or are they working in a family business/farm given they live at home?

Anyway… I think I would ask DP “if not now, when?” - would they come with you in a year’s time, or consider a trip in April/May?

Totally agree re the red flags here.

I think this is just a fundamental difference. You find going and visiting your family enjoyable. Your dp for whatever reason just doesn’t. A week overseas stuck with someone else’s family wouldn’t be how I’d want to spend my time, if I had a choice, sorry. It’s very different to popping in for lunch when family lives nearby. It’s intense and exhausting. It’s not the same as visiting your own family (or living with them). When I was in my 20s, it was different. In my 40s, no.

Tbh I’ve been with my Dh for 16 years and he has literally never visited my family (also overseas) with me. They have come to stay with us for a week at a time and even that was a lot. I feel the same about Dh’s family coming to stay for a week at a time. I don’t go with him to visit them anymore. It’s just too much. Some people love all the togetherness, but most don’t. Yes, you do have to do it out of obligation to each other, but not all the time and I do think maybe at 18 months it might be too much too soon.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if a female poster expresses a need many posters will instantly explain to them that it is completely un-english and irrational and out of bounds. Even if they have to twist themselves into a knot of contradictions to do so.

Marriage in the UK has always—like fucking everywhere—included the families on both sides. Thanks to patriarchy, misogyny, and primogeniture the husbands side is usually favored but that doesn’t mean that being a son in law has no cultural weight or that people aren’t routinely expected and wanted to show some deference and respect to the natal family by showing up and being hosted once in a while.

And all fluttering and bleating aside a grown man can manage a week abroad without collapse or resentment even if posters here can’t.

What kind of retreat does Mr “I don’t work and live with my parents” go on? Monastic retreat? Therapy for being a useless wanker? Or is he Santa Claus and he will be exhausted after delivering all those gifts?

Yes its selfish of him. 18 months isn’t too early to be in love and plan to be married. Except with this dude. He doesn’t mean by it what you mean by it. He doesn’t care about you or the relationship the way you do.

Take s deep breath and really look at him and the relationship. You may not be compatible as you may not share the same values.