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Original poster

Not contacting me before a date?

31 replies

Fishcake18 · 30/10/2024 22:06

So I've been messaging this guy on and off for six weeks..we originally met in real life (in the spa..) and chatted 4/5 times before he asked for my number.. At first it was every day messaging and a bit of cheeky sexting (we'd known each other a little while at this point and he was VERY attentive the first few weeks) Since then contact has been on and off- good morning, the odd text chat, a few deeper ones, and we've met up briefly a few times at the gym /spa for 15 minutes/one hour

So we're meant to have our first 'official' date this Saturday - coffee, lunch - not sure what he's thinking yet.. but the last text contact we had was Monday! For me this feels a bit weird not to check in.. and I guess I miss how often and attentive he was in those first few weeks.. I'm not sure if he is avoidant/uncertain or just feels there's no need to contact now we have a proper plan.. Is this normal?? And maybe just a man/woman thing??

Am I over thinking this??

OP posts:
SauviGone · 30/10/2024 22:11

I'm not sure if he is avoidant/uncertain or just feels there's no need to contact now we have a proper plan

But you don’t have a proper plan? You don’t know whether you’re having coffee, a meal, whatever… he hasn’t firmed anything up and now he hasn’t been in touch for days.

Honestly, I’d be surprised if this date actually happens, sorry.

Original poster
Fishcake18 · 30/10/2024 22:21

Wow..ok that was tough to hear..but maybe needed. Yes I had same thought..that I'll text to confirm with him on the Friday but maybe he isn't as bothered, or doesnt have a plan..😕 yes maybe right to be concerned by lack of contact?..doesn't show real keenness or investment at this stage?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fishcake18 · 30/10/2024 22:22

And really he should be texting me?!!

OP posts:
NunyaBeeswax · 30/10/2024 22:22

Amd when you text him and asked if you're still having a date on a Saturday, what did he say?

Popcorn23 · 30/10/2024 22:23

I'd just text and say something like 'Any ideas about where we are going for our date this weekend?' and see if he replies.

I'm a boring, literal person. It is too much effort to try and guess what the other person is thinking/ doing.

If he has ghosted you though, take yourself somewhere nice instead.

Original poster
Fishcake18 · 30/10/2024 22:24

I haven't yet..we said pencilled in for Saturday on Friday week..then texted again about other stuff on Sunday/monday.. I was going to text him Friday afternoon with 'just confirming we are on for tomorrow..what were you thinking?'

OP posts:
Original poster
Fishcake18 · 30/10/2024 22:25

Tbf he originally asked me to meet up Saturday just gone, but I was busy unfortunately and said this..but that I could make time to be free next Saturday.. ie arrange childcare etc! I'll be really pissed off if he blows me out!

OP posts:
Day99 · 30/10/2024 22:28

I'd text sooner than later, if you really want to text him. Is last text from you or him?

I generally think if we wanted, he would, and the lack of planning might mean he is keeping options open. Sorry to be harsh.

SauviGone · 30/10/2024 22:29

If he knows you need to arrange childcare, then it’s really poor form not to have firmed up plans by now.

TwistedWonder · 30/10/2024 22:29

In my experience when they stop texting then the date isn’t going to happen.

Especially if there’s no actual fixed plans.

Did you text last?

category12 · 30/10/2024 22:30

Fishcake18 · 30/10/2024 22:24

I haven't yet..we said pencilled in for Saturday on Friday week..then texted again about other stuff on Sunday/monday.. I was going to text him Friday afternoon with 'just confirming we are on for tomorrow..what were you thinking?'

I wouldn't wait until Friday. Weekend's are valuable free time, I don't think it's great to leave it - you'll end up missing out on other opportunities for the sake of some guy you barely know (plus looking like you have no life).

If you're going to text about it, do it tomorrow, and if you don't hear back within a few hours, make other plans for the weekend. Do not be hanging about at his disposal.

Original poster
Fishcake18 · 30/10/2024 22:34

No - thanks! I'm after feedback! I genuinely think he likes me and wants to go out..but he's sort of waiting for me to confirm..for me to show interest..like he doesn't want to feel rejected again (I haven't rejected him at all, but have said no two times before when he asked me out due to having my children with me..but said I'd have loved to otherwise etc) As he doesn't have kids I just don't think he gets this, and is happy being a bit more 'spontaneous'

I have said to him already maybe we are on different pages and lifestyles with having kids/no kids etc..and he says he gets that but would still 'love to spend more time together and see what happens' and 'we haven't really given ourselves a chance yet'
He sets all the right things when we do text, but it's just not quite enough for me- I need kind of once a day or every two days to not start to feel uncertain how he feels!

OP posts:
Dogpawssmellgreat · 30/10/2024 22:34

I too would text tomorrow. Saying something like - hi hope you're having a good week! I just need to confirm childcare for Saturday. Where and when did you want to meet? It'd be great if we could do xx time if that suits you.

Or something similar.

Original poster
Fishcake18 · 30/10/2024 22:35

Ok I get what everyone is saying..maybe firm up tomorrow rather than Friday..so I know more what to arrange for childcare etc. thanks.

OP posts:
username7891 · 30/10/2024 22:37

IMO dating isn't that difficult and if you're wondering if someone is interested, they're usually not. If a man is keen on seeing you he'll make sure he's got a date nailed down.

I'd move on.

Oxforddictionary12 · 31/10/2024 06:30

username7891 · 30/10/2024 22:37

IMO dating isn't that difficult and if you're wondering if someone is interested, they're usually not. If a man is keen on seeing you he'll make sure he's got a date nailed down.

I'd move on.

Yes, what this person said. Unanswered questions and leaving you uncertain means no. You don't need someone who's not sure at this stage. My friend had someone who sent nice messsages but would communicate two weeks apart (she got fed up with his lack of interest/effort and they never met up) Dating can be a brutal game but keep going. Onto the next!

StarlightLady · 31/10/2024 06:33

For goodness sake, just message him.

OneDandyPoet · 31/10/2024 06:41

Fishcake18 · 30/10/2024 22:22

And really he should be texting me?!!

But why should it be him texting you? You are both grown mature adults. If you like him and want to definitely have a date, contact him directly your self. For all you know he maybe sitting there, and getting annoyed that you haven’t contacted him, to confirm/ make plans for this date. Why do women have to hang around to be contacted by men?

Just contact him and then you will know for sure. There’s no need for these games and waiting around.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/10/2024 06:57

Why wait till Fri - if a childfree weekend you want to make other plans

So text and say where and what time sat ?

solice84 · 31/10/2024 06:59

Just message him today to confirm
If he blows you out then you might have enough time to plan something else
I don't have high hopes for this tbh
I've been in this situation a few times and gut feelings are usually right

NotAgainWilson · 31/10/2024 07:04

TwistedWonder · 30/10/2024 22:29

In my experience when they stop texting then the date isn’t going to happen.

Especially if there’s no actual fixed plans.

Did you text last?

This. I would just assume the date is not happening and I have been put in the back burner as he is not interested enough.

If you have texted him about this date already and he has not replied, just stop. He doesn’t care. Whatever nice conversations you had in the last few weeks are irrelevant, you are not saving a 15 years long marriage here, there is no proper “relationship” here to justify keeping the door open. Just close it and move on, if he starts like this, what can you expect in 6 months? Just hurt and disappointment.

Tiredofthewhirring · 31/10/2024 07:13

I'd be making alternative plans for that child free time!

SmileEachDay · 31/10/2024 07:22

If you’ve not been able to go the last two times, perhaps he’s waiting for you to take a lead on firming up plans because you have less availability than him?

Message him!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 31/10/2024 09:06

Just text him... although to be brutally honest, I think he just enjoyed the sexting and has no intention of dating. Sorry OP.

ChristmasFluff · 31/10/2024 10:59

Nope, early days of dating is when you set the standard - and you haven't actually got the dating part yet, OP!

If someone doesn't text me for days after previously being in frequent contact, I assume they've lost interest and the date is off. Because someone I've never met is not going to be a priority in my life, and I like to do things at the weekends, so reserving them past Wednesday isn't going to happen.

At best, this bloke is trying to get you to do the running OP. More likely he has no interest in dating, only sexting. Or only meeting you 'spontaneously' (when he hasn't got anything better to do).

If he does contact you and you have made other arrangements, then he will realise he has to up his game, or he will bin you off for someone who is happy to do the running / be his fall-back girl.