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Original poster

Should one try to be friendly with one's ex, or is civil coolness good enough?

37 replies

Twoddle · 25/04/2008 14:27

Ex-partner came to collect ds (3) today for "Dad time". I met him outside, as I don't want him to come into the house anymore. I was cool but civil - handed over ds's things, switched car seats etc, and just chivvied the process along really.

Ex-dp - who slept with other women and doesn't regret it, is still seeing one of the prostitutes he was unfaithful with (six months on) and has hurt me in so many ways in recent months - was asking why I was being frosty; if there was something wrong.

I simply said that it's over, and if it weren't for ds, we wouldn't be having anything to do with each other as it would be the most self-preserving way to move on. We do need to interact, but I feel that this should be fairly business-like and minimal. I think he would like - no, expects - me to be friendly with him, and he raised an eyebrow and shook his head in a "what a drama queen" kind of way at my explanation.

So, on account of our son, should I be feigning friendliness with his dad who has hurt me so very much, or is civil coolness good enough in the name of self-respect?

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 25/04/2008 14:30

Civil coolness is just fine.

How dare he expect anything more after what he has done.

Original poster
Twoddle · 25/04/2008 14:45

Thanks, SWBL.

Bump ...

OP posts:
branflake81 · 25/04/2008 15:41

I disagree, actually. He is going to be your son's father for the rest of his life and I think it will be hard for your son to be confronted with this frostiness between you for the next forty odd years.

The wounds are still very raw now and I can completely understand that you are hurting and want nothing to do with him. but, I think in the long run for the sake of your son you do need to try and cultivate if not exactly a friendship then an amicable relationship.

nappynoonoo · 25/04/2008 15:45

Coolness is fine, you are doing the right thing . This way your DS knows that there will be no arguments or anything as such when you and his dad meet.

Original poster
Twoddle · 25/04/2008 15:46

Thanks, branflake. I understand what you're saying; of course the ideal for ds would be for us to be something close to friendly. But how do I do this? It goes completely against the grain of natural, self-protecting response in this situation, and if someone (my ex) has become largely unlikeable, can it be right to fake friendliness? And I also don't want to give ds the message that it's OK to do what Dad did, because Mum's still friendly with him so it can't have been that bad. There have to be some consequences, surely? Or at least some boundaries?

OP posts:
Baffy · 25/04/2008 15:47

At this point in time he is lucky he is getting civil coolness! Cheeky b*gger!

Don't worry about the future. You are co-operating and understanding of his right to spend time with his son. You understand the importance of that. And that's all you need to do right now.

Who knows how you'll feel somewhere down the line. The wounds are raw and he's hurt you so badly.

One day, when you're happy, settled, and realise you're better off without him, then maybe you can be amicable and friendly. It will be easier to smile at him when you're smiling at the fact you've got rid of the lying cheating scum bag!

For now. I think he's lucky you're being cool and calm.

WowOoo · 25/04/2008 15:48

I would say civil coolness is fine too. Children can tell when friendliness is fake/ put on. There is no way I could be amicable if a man had treated me that way. Tough for your son though.

WowOoo · 25/04/2008 15:50

Tough on you too. You doing the right thing.

littlewoman · 25/04/2008 15:51

Why are your feelings any less valid than his? My xh thought we would be the 'very best of friends' after he'd shagged half the town. Friendship may evolve eventually, but denying you the right to be hurt and to heal time is unfriendly in itself.

Baffy · 25/04/2008 15:52

FWIW I am in exactly the same position as you, and for the moment, I am so badly hurt and affected by his actions, that H has to pick ds up from his grandparents and drop him back via them.

So your ex is getting a good deal!

Yes there should be consequences. And we shouldn't have to 'fake' friendliness towards people who, quite frankly, have behaved atrociously!

Being civil, and calm, is as much as you can be expected to do. That will teach your son about respect for others and appropriate behaviour.

Anything more, in these circumstances, at and this point in time, is too much to ask.

Original poster
Twoddle · 25/04/2008 15:55

BTW, ex-dp left a message last night to say he missed ds and could he pop over to see him at his bedtime. I'm experimenting with putting down some boundaries (counsellor's advice ): it would feel like crossing a line for me, to have ex-dp come into the house and make himself at home (as he has done in the past). As it happens, we were out anyway. But can I say no to him seeing his son impromptu like this in future? That is, you made certain choices, and one of the consequences of that is that you see ds on x, y and z days now and that's it, and you don't come in my house. Counsellor seems to think it a good idea, while I feel weird doing it - possibly because I've been a walkover to date ...

I must emphasise that while ds sometimes talks about wanting us both to live together again, he doesn't appear to miss his dad when he doesn't see him; doesn't ask after him. So I don't think this would be distressing to him, to not see him in this kind of ad hoc popping-over-at-bedtime fashion.

OP posts:
taxingtimes · 25/04/2008 15:56

I think you are behaving in exactly the right way. He wants you to be "nice" to him to make himself feel better. You don't owe him any favours and you don't need to be his friend. Your son needs to see that his parents can be civil to each other and for now that will be enough.

Original poster
Twoddle · 25/04/2008 16:03

X-post alert! Missed a fair few while I was typing last post. Thank you for reassurance. Friendliness may well evolve in time, but I think that has to be a natural thing; not contrived. His family - mother - also seem to think I should be able to just rub along OK with him at social events, etc - no need to do anything silly like not let him in the house or anything ...

Healing is going to take a looong time, methinks.

Baffy, how are you? Been thinking of you. x

OP posts:
littlewoman · 25/04/2008 16:07

Yes, you can put down some guidelines / boundaries. It is very distressing to see the xp, it used to make me cry and cry. They have absolutely no farking clue what damage they leave behind, do they? As long as you don't break contact that's been agreed upon, it is unfair for him to expect extra when you still feel so raw.

Baffy · 25/04/2008 16:09

I think the healing will take a long time.

People who just think you can 'get over it' make me so
The grieving process takes as long as it takes! And in the meantime a bit of support and understanding would be great!!

I'm ok thanks for asking. Major turn this week where I have stopped all contact with H and instructed a solicitor. Absolutely not what I ever wanted to happen. But sadly I don't seem to have many options left. OW comes before everything and everyone, including ds!
He 'doesn't want' a divorce. But wants OW too!!

I think the boundaries are a great idea. Keeps things clear and you all, including ds, know where you stand. I was a walkover too. And there comes a time where it has to stop and they have to see some consequences to their actions.
I agree with your counsellor.

xx

MegSophandEmma · 25/04/2008 16:09

With exh I manage fake friendlyness on the phone for my childrens beefit. When he comes to pick them and I am face to face I do exactly the same as you. Then its civil coolness all the way.

littlewoman · 25/04/2008 16:20

It is entirely ridiculous to think people should just 'move on'. Presumably an idea thought up by some man who had just dumped his wife. It makes the pain twice as bad. Firstly you hurt because you've been dumped. Then you feel like a freak because you can't just 'move on' like the world says you should. Take some time to decide exactly how would be best for you to come to terms with it, whilst minimising any bad effects for your dc's. So sorry you are going through this

Original poster
Twoddle · 25/04/2008 16:23

Ah, I'm human then.

Baffy, I'm so sorry it's come to this for you. How can your H both not want a divorce, and want his OW?! Sounds a bit like XP, who until this week wanted the freedom to shag around and do his own thing and the opportunity to talk about reconciling down the line. He "doesn't like being final".

God, I need to learn some self-respect and assertiveness.

I hope you soon get some closure to what's been a protracted, painful time.

((( hugs )))

Thanks, too, Meg. Yes, that's about as good as it gets for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twoddle · 25/04/2008 16:24

Thanks, too, littlewoman. Ah, you are lovely ladies.

x

OP posts:
Baffy · 25/04/2008 16:29

I'm with you on the self respect and assertiveness courses!

They both sound exactly the same!

Hope you're ok. You seem to be doing really well xx

TimeForMe · 25/04/2008 16:32

FWIW Twoddle i think you are handleing things perfectly!

As for the bedtime thing, I would be standing my ground. Good on you for setting boundaries and sticking to them. Way to go!

fireflytoo · 25/04/2008 16:35

My dad left my mum for another woman. He was only barely civil to my mum and she had to deal mostly with his new wife (who used to be her friend). I respect my mum to this day for always being civil to him (and positive about him to us) and despite the fact that she went through hell and back with 4 kids to bring up on her own and then in relative poverty.

You do not have to be friendly. Civil is fine.. but your son will pick up on the nuances. However... you are not together anymore so he needs to learn that people can disagree and fall out with each other and still be civil. If you are too friendly it might confuse him even more.... i.e. why are you not together if you like each other so much?

Good luck...you have a hard struggle to get through.. Be true to how you feel.

TimeForMe · 25/04/2008 16:35

Also, you don't have to be friends with the ex. Some ex'es lose all right to your friendship when they do they dirty on you. As long as there is no hostility in front of the dc's then I reckon that is just fine. I hated my ex and was never his friend but the kids never found out

TimeForMe · 25/04/2008 16:37

FFT said it so much better than me

fireflytoo · 25/04/2008 16:38

About the bedtime thing...my youngest dd is worst at bedtime and if her dad comes at that time she ends up inconsolable. Suggest that you want to get a routine in place first and that you might eventually review impromptu access if you feel it is in your ds's best interest.