Should one try to be friendly with one's ex, or is civil coolness good enough?

[Twoddle]

Ex-partner came to collect ds (3) today for "Dad time". I met him outside, as I don't want him to come into the house anymore. I was cool but civil - handed over ds's things, switched car seats etc, and just chivvied the process along really.

Ex-dp - who slept with other women and doesn't regret it, is still seeing one of the prostitutes he was unfaithful with (six months on) and has hurt me in so many ways in recent months - was asking why I was being frosty; if there was something wrong.

I simply said that it's over, and if it weren't for ds, we wouldn't be having anything to do with each other as it would be the most self-preserving way to move on. We do need to interact, but I feel that this should be fairly business-like and minimal. I think he would like - no, expects - me to be friendly with him, and he raised an eyebrow and shook his head in a "what a drama queen" kind of way at my explanation.

So, on account of our son, should I be feigning friendliness with his dad who has hurt me so very much, or is civil coolness good enough in the name of self-respect?

I think it's really necessary for your son's sake, let alone yours, for boundaries to be set for when your ex sees him. It sounds like your son is coping ok with the situation at the moment, and it can be really upsetting to them if the ex just drops round on an ad hoc basis.

For all your sakes, a routine needs to be set and kept to, as far as possible, then your son will know when to expect him and when not to. ie NOT at your ex's beck and call

Hmm. fireflytoo, how do you feel about your dad in view of what happened? Because, rather childishly I know, I feel XP in some ways doesn't deserve to have ds's love and warmth. That said, I haven't bad-mouthed XP in front of ds. I have been very upset, and explained that Daddy has hurt Mummy's feelings and that Mummy doesn't want photos of Daddy up anymore, because he doesn't live here and they make me sad. (Ds can have them in his room, though. He was only upset about them coming down because one of his friends was in one of the photos!) Am I saying too much? I don't know. But pretending that XP is nothing to do with my pain?! I can't do it 100%. I hate listening to ds enthuse about the time he has with his dad, and reporting back with things like, "Daddy says I might be a big brother if he gets a new partner." I really don't want to know, but you grin and bear it, don't you?

Anyone else's XP/XH not even explain to the children why he'd left?

Oh dear, I'm going for a walk.

That is one of the hardest things you have to do - no matter how much you're hurting at the moment, your son will always love his dad, and he will feel torn if he knows too much of what happened.

My parents divorced when I was very young, and my mum was always careful not to bad mouth my dad, although he emigrated leaving 5 kids behind. That was 30 odd years ago.

Now we're all 'grown up' we've made up our own minds about him, but at the end of the day, he's still my dad.

My two DC's dad did the same thing, and it was really hard not to let my feelings get in the way of letting them speak about him and seeing him. But it's necessary at an early age for them to feel ok about their dad, and when they get older they can make up their own minds.

Wise words, wouldbehippychick. Takes a lot of discipline, sometimes, not to be divisive. But you're absolutely right.

I do worry that with me having my head full of what to do about where we live, about finding some work, about handling finances, etc - and therefore being distracted and maxed out - ds may grow to favour his fun and childlike dad who has access to up to four PA's to take care of all the everyday stuff and is all-eyes-on-ds whenever he sees him. That would break my heart.

I am realising that going through this kind of experience requires untold strength, serenity, reserve and courage. It's make or break stuff, isn't it?

Twoddle sounds like you dealt with the photos very well. Of course you don't want to bad mouth him but giving your son the explanation that they make you sad is honest, not going into too many details (like what he did to make you sad...) which could influence their relationship...

you're being very fair to him.

Yes boundaries need to be there for the children as well as you. Dad doesn't live here any more, therefore he does not just turn up when he feels like it at bed time. The kids could start wondering if when he doesn't come, he's NOT missing them and feel worse.

When he's settled down and grown up a bit perhaps he might even like to have DC stay at his house, but not until he's earned it. If he misses them so much he should've thought about that before breaking up your family. Daft bugger.

...and Twoddle, your kids will appreciate what you've done for them when you grow up. My Dad died when I was a kid and Mum wasn't fun to be around, stressed, broke, grieving, but by God do I respect her now.

What NiftyNanny says is true, Twoddle. Yes, there will be times when you're feeling stressed etc, but again, at the end of the day you're his mum and nothing can ever top that. Doesn't sound like your exp is too grounded really, and whilst at the moment he might be on your son's level, I'm guessing there'll be a time in the future when your son's maturity overtakes exp's

Things will be ok, just keep going and try not to worry about the future too much. Easier said than done, I know

Twoddle...

Firstly my dad was always a stranger to me as he was rather distant with us kids anyway... but I learnt to understand him when i grew up. I am glad that i can admire my mum for her fortitude and dignity and not feel pity or resentment.

About him prefering his dad... i don't think that will ever happen. And even though you don't really want to know, I think it is healthy (and shows he is content if not happy) that he wants to tell you everything. As he grow older he will learn tact.

Also...i have often seen that it is the parent who provides a steady routine and unconditional love who "wins out" rather than the irresponsible ,self centred one. He may start to realise that you..who has to discipline and order etc, are the one who is there ...and that his dad has left him for stuff and fun!!

Take each day as it comes. I know that sounds trite, but I really mean it. It has seen me through a painful divorce and is all that is holding me together now in the middle of another break-up. What is it with men?

hippychick and firefly, thanks. Reassuring words at a tricky time.

firefly, so sorry to hear you're going through this again. Good for you for at least going for it with another relationship post-divorce: I can feel celibacy coming on! I do hope your situation improves soon.

One day at a time and a biiig squeeze for ds in the morning.

Twoddle, don't worry, to your DS, you are irreplacable. As they get older, kids know exactly which parent to go to for a hand-out (My DD is expert), doesn't mean they respect the spoiler, though.

Thanks, Katie.

I would say you should act as you feel comfortable

my ex lives in a little bubble

we had a court appearance recently and I was sitting with solicitor & my dad when he arrived. My solicitor politely asked him to sit at next table so she could speak to him (he chose to represent himself in court rather than pay money to his solicitor)
He then asked her if he could join us at our table. She said no as she needed to speak to us. What did he think we would chat about? The weather, his job etc? She seemed suprised he had even asked.

I am amicable & friendly to my ex in front of the children BUT he cheated on me, and left me to be with OW so why would we be friends? You dont treat your friends badly.

I am nothing but friendly and positive about my ex & his gf to my children but we are NOT friends. Maybe in years to come we can reach an understanding but I am not pretending to the children. They need to know that somethings dont work out and that doesnt affect their relationship with their dad but we dont love each other.

Incidently my children seem fine with the whole situation and Im sure thats cos I dont argue or disrespect my ex (although OW is verbally abusive on phone to me) but I just rise above it.